Friday, April 28, 2006

Rogers Inc. becomes Rogers High... School.

Rogers Inc. has taken a step forwards by going backwards.... into High School. Ted Rogers, President and CEO of Rogers inc. explains,

"High Schoolers happen to be our largest demographic and so as a company I really want us to adopt a High School mentality so we can better understand and serve our customers. In order to do that I've rented out a high school where our new Head Office will be located until a new Rogers High Head Office can be built by September."
- Ted Rogers, CEO Rogers Inc.

The High School Rogers is talking about is Sir William Osler High School in Scarborough Ontario. The Principal was all too willing to cancel the last 38 days of classes and vacate the school in order to receive a 10% discount on their first three months of high-speed internet for the following school year.

Ted Rogers, wearing a ridiculous blue suit, speaking to his new employees

Many new policies have been adopted by the company. Here are a few examples:
  • All employees must now work at small tables in groups of 3 or 4 but no talking is allowed until discussion time.
  • Employees must use a hall pass to access the washrooms and the staff room is now off-limits to all employees but for the CEO and VP.
  • All students must practice cool things like 'Parkour' the running and jumping sport in their 'tipping on the brink' commercial. Or break dancing which if done to a particularly skilled level, the present employees will respond with "Oh, that's bananas son."
  • The hiring age has been reduced to 14 with preference given to 16 year olds.
  • Retirement packages are available to anyone over the age of 21.
In the long run this may be a smart move for Rogers. Creating loyal customers out of impressionable minds is far easier than creating loyal customers out of intelligent people.

However, in the short run, this new regime has caused much strife and turmoil amongst the employees.

"All I did was pass a note. I had to pass it cause Brad was looking at Sarah in that creepy way again and I finally figured it out that he totally likes her. And then stupid Mr. Rogers fired me."
- Jennifer Bington, Former Assistant Marketing Manager, Rogers Inc.

Other employees have been suspended without pay for failing to hand in reports on time. One employee was asked to come in on Saturday because he was caught text messaging his friend at one of the work tables.

The long term success of the new Rogers High is yet to be seen, but in the short term there are a few hurdles to clear first.

- The Bloggeee, reporting live on location, Rogers Inc.'s new Head High School Office, Scarborough Ontario

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Star Daily goes Inside Celebrities... actually inside of them.

Star Daily has announced a new show: "Inside Celebrities." A show that takes the viewer actually inside celebrities' bodies.

"We here at Star! Daily pride ourselves on being incredibly in-touch with our viewers. We took a poll recently and our viewers told us they wanted to be closer to celebrities. Well viewers, we heard you and we're closer!"
- Inta Rusive, Marketing Director for Star! Daily

Title Screen for the new show.

The first episode will be about billionaire heiress Paris Hilton's liver. Pictured above, Star Daily has outdone itself with shocking discoveries of fat deposits indicating a recent meal of fast food. Perhaps the most surprising evidence dug up was a globule found in her liver suggesting Paris has been dating rocker Tommy Lee for about 3 months now and they had rented out an entire Brazilian resort for a sex-filled weekend.

Just how does Star! Daily manage to get inside celebrities' bodies? Does this violate their rights? Ruder explains:

"We follow all the laws to the letter. If the celebrities are in a public place than they are deemed accessible by the media. Same goes for injecting them with microscopic cameras. If they are in a public place and happen to fall into a chloroform induced sleep than they are accessible by microscopic camera injections."
- Inta Ruder, Marketing Director, Star! Daily

Some Celebrities have come out against the show, threatning lawsuits and claiming it's an invasion of privacy. However, over 130 million viewers tuned into the first episode with ratings expected to double. So, invasion of privacy or not, people love watching people's insides.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Star! Daily Head Office, Toronto Ontario

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Sun to be home to new Presidential Memorial.

President Bush announced today, in conjunction with NASA, plans for a Presidential Memorial in the Sun.

"This is a proud day for me, a proud day and a ... prouder day... for my... for me. I'm proud of all the boys at NASA... and girls. Heh, I like the girls too. For putten me to the sun proudly."
- George W. Bush, POTUS

The President, speaking at a Grade 2 level, meant to say that he was proud that the American nation would be memorializing him in the Sun. In order to avoid a further 40 minutes of general confusion and disorientation at the Press Conference a spokesperson for NASA, instead of the President, was asked to explain how this plan would be carried out.

"Using a new X30 rocket we will be propelling 30 nuclear warheads to the Sun. Upon impact with the Sun's inner core the warheads will detonate and, much like expensive fireworks, explode into the likeness of the President. Our hope is the image will burn into the Sun's outer core."
- Rev. Ian Morrol, Presidential Spiritual Advisor to NASA

Artist's rendering of the proposed Presidential Tribute.

When asked about the risks of detonating 30 nuclear warheads in a giant ball of gas Morrol went on to say:

"If we do the right thing by God, God will do the right thing by us therefore, the risk becomes negligible."
- Rev. Ian Morrol, Presidential Spiritual Advisor to NASA

With all concerns eased by the good Reverend's soothing words the next question was a bit of a puzzler. Why the Sun? In a another twisting lair of confusion and blubbery, The POTUS answered:

"The Sun? Well, heh, why not? I mean Lincoln, Washington and ... you know ... a couple other guys got a mountain... why not the Sun? The Sun belongs to America right? So why shouldn't my face be putten up in the Sun? Besides it'll help with re-eclection."
- George W. Bush, POTUS

After confirming with Presidential aides that he meant re-election reporters asked how he planned to circumvent the constitutional rule which bars a President for running more than two terms. The President simply smiled and winked, which, while creepy, was probably clearer than any answer he could have given.

The Bloggerbotterastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washington, D.C.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Easter Bunny hides Easter Eggs and Microphones!

In possibly the most damaging scandal yet of the current President's reign, the Government has been caught red-handed trying to expand their illegal surveillance network. Between 2am and 5am on Monday April 17th hundreds of Americans were surprised to be woken up to an Easter Bunny breaking into their house to hide eggs... and microphones.

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of this story is the White House's frank and unapologetic views of their brazen plan.

"For quite some time, we have been looking at expanding our surveillance from wiretaps and electronic interceptions to direct in-home microphones. We feel this is an important step in National Security and our studies show the only people opposed to this measure are terrorists and traitors."
- Scott Mclellan, White House Press Secretary

One of the many Easter Bunnies' Mugshots

Thankfully one reporter, who has now been banned from the White House press room, asked the right question: Why were men dressed up as Easter Bunnies attempting to install these microphones in the middle of the night?

"Well we had been looking at different ways to deliver our in-home-listening-devices and the President came up with a solution. The plan was to piggy back the real Easter Bunny's work on Easter Weekend. While the Easter Bunny was delivering the real treats for girls and boys, our men, dressed to look like the real Easter Bunny, would go in and install the microphones. If anyone saw them, they would assume they were the real Easter Bunny and go back to bed. Of course, hind-sight 20/20 the President found out this morning that the real Easter Bunny is in-fact, not real."
- Scott Mclellan, White House Press Secretary

Few details other than those mentioned were released to the public including possible consequences of this episode. In fact, reporters found themselves stone-walled again when Mclellan left in a huff.

"... I've already said no comment on that subject. Look, why don't you stop asking questions about information only terrorists could be interested in. Let's talk about the real issue here. The President has just found out that a lifelong idol of his does not in fact exist. It's a tough and emotional day for this mourning administration and it is very insensitive of you to come in here and make it tougher like this. Frankly I'm disgusted. [walks off in a huff]"
- Scott Mclellan, White House Press Secretary

Is this action unconstitutional? What happens to the 'Easter Bunnies'? Are you planning to continue expanding your illegal surveillance? On a day where the President has lost a childhood friend, questions like these, will have to go unanswered.

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washingtong, D.C.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Subway sues Mcdonald's over sandwiches!

Subway is suing McDonald's over their new 'Toasted Deli Sandwiches.' How can a sandwich company sue another company for making a similar sandwich? Simple. They're actually the same sandwich. How can a sandwich company patent a sandwich? They can't. Subway literally means they are the same sandwich.

That's right. Subway claims that McDonald's is buying Subway sandwiches in the morning and re-selling them as 'Toasted Deli Sandwiches' in the afternoon.

"One of our employees (who has now been promoted) became suspicious when for the 16th morning in a row a conspicuously dressed man came in and purchased 72 footlong subs. After a thorough investigation we unfortunately discovered that our recent jump in breakfast sales was not due to our new sausage, beans, egg and hash browns sub. It turns out that all over North America, McDonald's employees had been purchasing Subway sandwiches in the morning for re-sale in the afternoon. Besides the obvious health and safety issues, our patented bread is not for re-sale."
- Fred Deluca, Subway CEO

Photo of McDonald's CEO Charlie Bell caught 'red handed'

McDonald's CEO Charlie Bell initially attempted to deny Subway's claims until we showed him the photo of himself purchasing Subway Sandwiches in bulk (above).

"Well, I don't see why this is special, McDonald's has many suppliers with many problems. There is a simple answer to both of this supplier's concerns. We don't just re-sell the sandwiches. We give them the McDonald's touch. Each sandwich is deep fried with a Mars bar for 45 minutes. Killing both the germs and any claims that it is still a patented bread. So I invite anyone to come and try our new healthy choice Toasted Deli Sandwiches that are nothing but McDonald's."
- Charlie Bell, Mcdonald's CEO

Will the law see this issue the same way McDonald's does? Charlie Bell certainly presents a convincing argument. However, The Floater Blog prides itself on reporting the news, not judging it.

- The blgloger, reporting live on location, McDonald's Head Office, Oakbrook, Illinois

Monday, April 10, 2006

Nike's PR increases Factory Output!

You can teach an old dog new tricks, or at least that's what Nike's counting on with its revamped 'Please to Beat You' Ad Campaign. The original Ad campaign for Nike Soccer was so successful they thought they may be able to use it again to help their flagging employment division.

"We're really trying to turn a new corner with factory management. In the past we have used strict discipline and 'punishment reinforcement' as tools to increase factory output. We are revolutionizing management by implementing a positive approach to strict discipline and punishment reinforcment. Where before it would have been "No! You should have thought of that before, Pee in this bucket now!" Now it would be "Oh, I hate to do this, but our washroom's are only for break, but I have a compromise, how about you pee in this bucket now?"
- Dr. Rappalling, Nike's Employment Manager, Indonesia

To augment their revolutionary management style Nike have begun their new ad campaign to change the way Nike's employees in China, Indonesia and Vietnam view their employer.

Nike's re-vamped 'Pleased to Beat You' Campaign

"As you can see, the ads reflect our new approach. Before, it was all business and 'more shoes now!' Now we're 'pleased to beat you!' We'll take the time to go over your transgressions and help you to get back on track to being more productive. We think it's just a win win situation. For us."
- Dr. Ahore-able, Nike's Employment Manager, China

Since Nike's ad campaign started in their factories, production has increased by 10%, however, there is now a higher turnover rate. Moreover, Nike will be the first to tell you that they only sub-contract the work out to these factories. This means that how much of the 'Pleased to Beat You' Program each factory wants to adopt is up to them. Nevertheless, Nike remains confident they have a winning ad campaign on their hands.

How much of this change in their employment approach was due to the upcoming release of the film Sweat? Well, on this, Nike was mum. (They refused to comment, for the layperson)

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Telus Animal Cuties go on Hunger Strike

For the second time in a year telecomm giant Telus is embroiled in a labor dispute. The cute animals featured in Telus' "the future is friendly" ad campaign have begun a massive hunger strike. Over 70 animals have given up on feed, pellets, krill, small rodents and end-table scraps all in the name of justice. Spark Parrot 1 explains:

"So they put down this cellphone and tell me they'll give me some more feed and a small worm if I walk on their cellphone. I thought they were testin it against bird crap or somethin. But I get a call from my cousin in Vancouver, who happened to be flyin by a TV shop, tells me he sees me on the TV. Says to me 'What the F@#$ is a parrot gonna do with a cellphone? You sellout!' "
- Spark Parrot 1, Telus 'Spark' commercials

Apparently all the animals have been duped one way or another into representing various Telus products and have been mercilessly criticized by their own species. Baby Pig 2 spoke at the Hunger rally:

Photo of the Hunger Strike

"I know I speak for all pigs when I say, this stinks! Hoofs are good for stepping on rocks not surfing the internet! The good name of PIG has been dirtied by associating with the disgusting name of Telus and we want it stopped!"
- Baby Pig 2, Telus Broadband commercials

The animals all feel the their names are debased by being forced to associate with such a terrible company.

"My life is ruined. I get calls from bunnies everywhere, and they're so many more of them each day. They all tell me that I have ruined the name of bunny, that everyone will think bunnies are terrible at customer service and that we'll demand WAY too much, giving so little in return. Also, I am still taped to two other bunnies who people now think are my sisters, but I've never met them before."
- Left Bunny, Bunny triplets, Telus 'Digital Cable' commercials

Telus may not pull their 'future is friendly' commercials anytime soon but one thing is certain: if they don't they'll have a lot of cute animals on their hands... who are dead.

The bloooooooooooogerino, reporting live on location, Telus Head Office, Burnaby, B.C.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Toronto's Underbelly exposed

The Floater Blog has an exclusive investigative report that exposes Toronto's 'underbelly' for what it really is: A giant Hydra Monster called Larusala.

"It was huge, just massive... so many... heads, and that one head in particular... oh god... [whimpers] and and and it just attacked us, in the middle of the night. That thing [sobs] took my wife, and oh the things she does to those poor women. [sobs even sadder]"
- John Palmetti, eyewitness of a Larusula attack

But John Palmetti's wife, Mrs. Palmetti, did come back alive. Most of them do... but they come back changed. We sat down to talk with Mrs. Palmetti and what she had to say will shock you:

"Well, I guess that if I were talking to her (Larusala) right now I would say... oh this is tough ... [gets intense look in her eyes] Since you been gone... I can breathe for the first time [laughs] I'm so moving on, yeah [snorts] yeah Thanks to you now I get what I want. [Gets misty eyed] Since you been gone."
- Mrs. Palmetti, talking about Larusula in Kelly Clarkson lyrics.

That's right, Kelly Clarkson lyrics from her popular song 'Since you been gone.' No one has actually been to Larusala's Lair, except for those who have been 'changed', so we've done the best we could to piece together exactly what goes on in that most wicked warren starting with an artist's sketch here:

Artist's depiction of Larusala's Lair

By all accounts, it appears that Larusala strikes just after 2am in the morning, whisking away a young female and tying them up deep in her lair (believed to be somewhere in the Don Valley). Larusala then opens all five of her sickening teethy jaws... and begins to sing 5 part harmonies of Kelly Clarkson's most popular hits. A spokesmen acting on behalf of the RIAA, TPD and the FBI talked to us about this bizarre behavior:

"Clearly this Larusala has been at this for a number of years and it has affected a LOT of women, why she chooses Kelly Clarkson is beyond us but it answers a lot of questions. Kelly Clarkson's popularity finally makes sense. We only hope that we can cure these poor individuals."
-T.J. Hooker, former fictional character, spokesperson for the RIAATPDFBI joint investigation.

We can only hope so too T.J., we can only hope so too.

- Blogtablogger, reporting live on location, Toronto, Ontario.