The Floater Blog

Environmental Protection Agency catches toxic waste dumpers!

2006-12-09T12:14:00.000-05:00

In a great coup, the Environmental Protection Agency for the United States has discovered an illegal dumping site for radioactive waste.

"This is a great day for the agency. Critics have been saying for some time now that our organization is ineffective and a patsy for big business... well, I say those critics have been silenced with a resounding 'We DO care about the Environment!' The EPA has an ever watchful eye, so watch out illegal dumpers, we're on to you!"
- Steve Johnson, Administrator for the Environmental Protection Agency

In perhaps the dumbest quote of his career, Steve Johnson reiterated his belief in the agency's investigative prowess. In reality, the EPA was in San Francisco for an 'Environmental Products' Convention. Upon returning to Headquarters they were looking through their photos of the convention and they discovered that while taking a photo of Everett Smith (EPA Headquarters employee) they had inadvertently acquired photographic evidence of an illegal dump site. Sure enough, they returned to San Francisco and discovered that during the convention they had failed to notice thousands of barrels of Toxic Waste being buried directly into the floor of the Moscone Convention Center directly behind them.

The now famed evidence photo

"To me, it just sounded like they were doing construction. It was annoying. They were pretty loud and I had to go back there a few times and ask them to be quiet. No one takes the EPA seriously so we always get the worst locations on the floor. ......Well, sure, it seems obvious now, but I wasn't looking for toxic waste at the time. I just thought the Blue Suits were part of a company uniform. Hindsight 20/20 I guess."
- Everett Smith, EPA Headquarters, employee

While the EPA is calling this a great coup, they still have no idea who dumped the toxic waste. The only evidence they had to go on is the 'US Department of Defense' labels on each of the barrels.

"It's a total mystery but one we hope to solve. However, our immediate concern is to safely re-bury the barrels in the convention floor. It is a real pain in the ass to get rid of radioactive waste and to the dumpers credit, the Moscone Convention Center floor is as good a place as any."
- Steve Johnson, Administrator for the Environmental Protection Agency

The owners of the Moscone Convention Center are furious and want the radioactive waste removed but Johnson insists that his 'hand are tied'. However, he hopes this incident will restore some of the public's faith in the beleaguered agency but so far it has had no effect on the Agency's dismal reputation.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Moscone Convention Center, San Francisco

New Liberal Leader Claims Win Was 'Magic'; Comment Sparks Controversy.

2006-12-03T13:28:00.000-05:00

Stephane Dion was crowned the new leader of the Liberal Party yesterday. Unfortunately, the Liberal Party's excitement at ending its leadership woes were short lived as Dion only lasted 4 minutes in the seat of power before sparking a religious controversy during his acceptance speech.

"I feel incredibly honored to be here. And let's give a big hand to my esteemed opponents. [crowd cheers loudly] I came into this race as an underdog against two powerhouses. To end up winning... in a come from behind victory [crowd cheers]... there is only one explanation for this great victory: Magic! It's a magical night for the Liberals! [crowd falls into a stunned silence]"
- Stephane Dion, official Leader of the Opposition and Leader of the Liberal Party.

Dion's admission to not only a belief in magic but to using his dark Pagan art to influence the election came as quite a shock to the crowd of seventeen thousand on hand to witness the event.

"I'm stunned. We'd talked about his beliefs and morals many times in the run up to the election but he never mentioned anything about being a practicing warlock. Frankly, it's frightening. I hope he didn't put a hex on me."
- Mark Marissen, Stephane Dion's national campaign manager

Further investigation into Dion's past revealed disturbing evidence of his Pagan Magic.

Photo of Dion practicing his Dark Pagan Arts, most likely, to
have U.S. Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice succumb to his bidding.

Officials realize that the results of the election are now cast into doubt but are afraid that taking any action may anger Dion and he may turn them into snakes, sicken them with the plague or even sacrifice them to a higher god by eating their flesh.

The Conservative party were quick to criticize the new found leader by calling him a witch (an insult to a male practitioner of magic as it is akin to saying 'you throw your magic like a girl'). However, the Conservative Party were also quick to adopt Pagan Protection Rituals. Prime Minister Stephen Harper is taking no chances and is slaughtering a baby pig everyday and hanging it from his door in the hopes that the blood will cleanse his home of magic.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Palais des Congrais, Montreal, Quebec

Xbox 360 vs. PS3 Which is stronger?

2006-11-24T14:52:00.000-05:00

Gamers all over the world are rushing to the stores this Christmas to purchase one of the 'next-generation' of gaming consoles. The big question is which console is stronger? The Floater Blog takes an in depth look at the two big systems: The Xbox 360 and the Playstation 3.

The performance of these consoles has been looked at a number of ways but we here at the Floater Blog felt the best benchmark would be to compare the strength of the two consoles. The results will surprise you.

The Xbox 360 easily holds seventy pounds while the PS3 looks on with obvious Jealousy.

Hold: The first test was simply to see how much weight they could hold. While it seemed the PS3 with it's wider stance would dominate this category, its cheap plastic crumbled under only 56 pounds while the Xbox 360 easily lifted and held 70 pounds.
Advantage: Xbox 360

The Tractor Pull: For this test we attached a 3.5 inch airplane cable to one end of a tractor trailer and the other end to the console. The results were very poor. Neither the Xbox 360 nor the Playstation 3 managed to move the Tractor at all. In fact both consoles just sat there, impervious to the crowds cheering them on, until the time expired.
Advantage: None

The Weight Catch: A popular test on the World's Strongest Man series, we would throw medicine balls with increasing weight at the competitors and whoever could catch and hold the heaviest ball would win. To be frank, both consoles were terrible at this competition. Starting with only a 55 pound medicine ball the Xbox 360 cracked under the pressure and literally blew apart. It did not appear to even attempt to catch the ball. The PS3 fared marginally better, as it too cracked under the lightest of medicine balls. However, the PS3 managed to cup and hold the ball with the inside of it's outer shell casing thus completing 1 catch.
Advantage: PS3

Tug O' War: Using a standard 10 stone Mariners Rope each console would attempt to pull the other console over the winner's line. This test of strength quickly became a test of endurance as neither console was able to gain an immediate advantage. In fact each console managed to hold their exact starting positions for a whopping 6 days, 12 hours and 13 minutes before the competition was declared a tie. The mathematical probability of two competitors in this competition facing off with an absolutely even matched pull strength is astronomical but for the two competitors to also posses the exact same incredible endurance is just unreal. We truly witnessed something special and all of us who were there will certainly never forget those exciting six and a half days.
Advantage: None.

The Stronger Console: None. Our empirical evidence proves that neither console is over matched. There have been many reports claiming that one console is stronger than the other but we can say, without a doubt, that those reports are blatantly false. If you are looking to purchase one of these consoles we would recommend first asking yourself what is more important to you: Holding heavy weights or being able to catch heavy balls? And make a choice based on our results. If, instead, you're looking at tractor pulling or tug o' wars there is no clear advantage either way. Sony and Microsoft have fought hard for your money but this test just goes to show, once again, that it all comes down to personal preference.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Floater Blog Testing Facility, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Air Force One makes emergency landing, Bush wins bet

2006-11-17T13:17:00.000-05:00

Say what you want about President Bush but he puts his money where his mouth is... i.e. on his face. (He has been known to place rolled one dollar bills under his nose and exclaim "Look at me, I'm a rich white guy!) Sen. Johnny Isakson found this out the hard way. The Senator from Georgia joined Mr. Bush Wednesday, on Air Force One en route to Washington. Apparently the episode started when the two politicians began discussing which State has the best Chili. Heated words were exchanged until President Bush bet the Senator that he could kill a Possum with one fart after eating a bowl of Texas Chili. Never a man to back down from a challenge, the Senator not only accepted the wager but swore he would raise the age of sexual consent to 35 in Georgia if he lost.

He lost.

Sen. Isakson looks on disappointingly as the Possum slowly dies.

A short 22 minutes after a quick bowl of Texan Chili, President Bush exceeded all expectations by flatulating for a personal best 76 straight seconds in the general direction of the Possum (brought on board for just such occasions). The Possum quickly asphyxiated and Bush declared himself the winner.

There was some confusion at first as Isakson claimed the Possum was only 'playing' dead however as soon as he stepped within three feet of the Possum and the fumes, Isakson himself asphyxiated and had to be taken to the hospital.

The noxious fumes quickly spread throughout Air Force One resulting in an emergency landing in Galveston to fumigate the plan. All in all the President's lack of foresight resulted in the hospitalization of 3 Senators, 22 Staffers, 3 Secret Service Agents, 1 Pilot and 12 White House Reporters. However, as the President himself said, "What's in a few respiratory failures... compared to.... having... proving that Texans make the best Chili? I'll tell you, A dead Possum."

On a brighter note, Isakson has made a full recovery and has kept true to his word and raised the age of Sexual Consent in Georgia to 35, much to the delight of parents and chagrin of Georgian children.

- The Blogastair, reporting live from the Galveston Island Airport, Galveston, Texas

Sen. Pat Roberts declares war on Noontime Hunger

2006-11-10T16:23:00.000-05:00

Senator Pat Roberts has declared war on 'Noontime Hunger'; an epidemic that is sweeping across the nation. The Republican Senator from Kansas is currently chair to the Senate Intelligence Committee but says that he uncovered this terrorist plot all on his own.

"I started to notice the epidemic in September of this year. You see because of the upcoming elections I had to start coming into the office earlier, at 9:30am for a full 6 hour day. So for the first time, I noticed that around 11 or 1130am (the time I usually arrive for work) productivity would drop dramatically. Attitudes changed, talking at the water cooler became monosyllabic and in a couple of extreme cases people were actually short with each other. It seemed everybody was suspiciously becoming hungry at the same time."
- Pat Roberts, Republican Senator for Kansas

The Hon. Senator from Kansas went on to make a few phone calls and was shocked to discover that his office was not the only one suffering from this epidemic, in fact it had become a national problem. And for all the Senator knows, these symptoms may have spread across the world (The United States Senate has no contact with the world outside of the United States so he has no way of checking this).

Pat Roberts at a 'War on Hunger' Rally in Kansas

After reporting his findings to the Senate Intelligence Committee it didn't take long for them to deduce that only the Terrorists could be behind such a heinous epidemic.

"Well once we put the facts together, it was fairly obvious. What are the chances that almost every one of the 150 million or so in the workforce would become hungry at the same time everyday? Without some kind of outside influence... the chances are nil. I'll admit the Terrorists have scored big on this one. We can't figure out what kind of Bioterrorist weapon they are using but we can change the results."
- Pat Roberts, Republican Senator for Kansas

The Senate Intelligence Committee has begun an educational campaign to counteract this terrorist act. Americans are encouraged to eat as much as they can as often as they can to prevent the symptoms of hunger. Companies like McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger King have all come forward with generous offers of assistance.

"Just remember, every time you are cranky, tired or weak from hunger, or even when you go out to lunch at noon... the terrorists are winning. So please, America, go to these generous restaurants and buy as much food as you can and eat it, right now. And don't ever stop eating. God Bless."
- Pat Roberts, Republican Senator for Kansas

The Senate Intelligence Committee is drafting a final report of this problem and is tabling a proposal to invade the oil fields of Argentina.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, The United States Senate, Washington, D.C.

'Tiny Ghosts' haunt Toronto Man's House

2006-11-03T15:18:00.000-05:00

Brad Lepp is much like any other Torontonian 364 days of the year but on that 365th day, Brad Lepp turns into a terrified, shivering, ball of crying and snot. Brad's transforms into this blubbering ball of sniveling because of the ethereal spirits that haunt his home every year on October 31st.

"I love Toronto, and I love my home. It's just that one day of the year... I don't know why these spirits haunt me but... it frightens me [sniffs]... [sobs uncontrollably]."
- Brad Lepp, Toronto Home Owner and Target of Evil Spirits.

It seems that this has been happening for every one of Brad's thirty something years despite his continuing efforts to ward the spirits off with charms, spells and hocus pocus.

"The wards are built around the idea of scaring the ghosts away. So, I carve scary faces in the front of large pieces of fruit (I used to use pineapples but pumpkins seem to work better). I hang scary bats, cobweb, witches, vampires... you name it. All in the hopes they'll think the house belongs to a much scarier monster. But it never works. In fact, it's getting worse. It seems the more I do to protect my home, the more ghosts come to haunt me.
- Brad Lepp, Toronto Home Owner and Crybaby.

Brad Lepp stands confused amongst the many 'wards' around his house.

Perhaps the spookiest aspect of this frightening tale is the type of ghosts haunting Mr. Lepp's house.

"I get ghosts that look like witches, goblins, pirates... a lot of pirates this year. Even SpongeBob Square Pants! You wouldn't think TV characters would have their own ghosts but believe me they do. The only thing the ghosts have in common is they all seem to be tiny. I can tell you now, if you haven't seen a ghost before, they are usually no bigger than three or four feet in height... but still incredibly frightening."
- Brad Lepp, Home Owner and Possible Mental Patient

Mr. Lepp has no plans to sell his home vowing that next year his wards would be bigger and scarier. The City of Toronto has begun an investigation into this paranormal activity.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Brad Lepp's 'Monster' House, Toronto, ON

Special Report: Blogastair designs a T-Shirt!

2006-11-01T01:23:00.000-05:00

The Floater Blog is a highly respectable news source and would like to assure its readers that it will never sell out for a petty or insignificant plug of any of its writers. Which is why we now bring to you the IMPORTANT AND SIGNIFICANT NEWS THAT BLOGASTAIR HAS DESIGNED A T-SHIRT!!!!

That's right dear readers, it's called 'Evolution' and it's on www.threadless.com. (Click on the graphic above) A fantastic T-Shirt site that prints 7 shirts every week based on votes from its users. A great idea and a great site!! So go now and vote for the T-Shirt!!! Believe me it has nothing to do with the large cash price Blogastair would receive if his Tee receives high enough votes and everything to do with giving you, the reader, the gift of voting this wonderful T-Shirt a '5' (and checking the 'I would buy this T-Shirt' box).

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, the home of Blogastair, Toronto, Ontario

No Child Left Behind Act enters Phase II: The Work Placement Program

2006-10-27T14:54:00.000-04:00

The 'No Child Left Behind Act' entered its second phase on October 1st of this year and so far Republicans are calling it a success.

"The whole point of the program was that every child would have an education and a job. Now we are at the point where we can streamline the process and provide a shorter education with more job time, which, in the short-run, will give our economy a nice boost before the elections."
- Margaret Spellings, U.S. Secretary of Education.

Randall, one of the many children in the program, on his first day of work.

For this phase of the program certain children have been earmarked as 'Educationally Incompatible' and will be found a job in the workforce much sooner than their peers, some as soon as Pre-school.

"This is for America's children who can't do stuff other kids have had to done.... Let's face it, heh, I mean some kids are stupid right? So if they ain't gonna done learn nothin... then let's get them workin... and payin taxes... and doin somethin that is right."
- George W. Bush, President of the United States

Some opponents of the plan are concerned that the children being earmarked for early job status are those that come from the lowest family incomes. Democrats are calling this a 'a 100 year step backward into child slavery' and the U.N. has put a travel advisory out to anyone traveling to the United States with children. However, the GDP has increased 3 percent since the program was put in place which suggests that while 6 year olds may only be a tiny portion of any worksite... it's a tiny bit more than they had before.

- The Blogerooni, reporting live on location, The White House, Washington, D.C.

Kim Jong Il apolizes for Nuclear test; reveals surprise condition for concessions

2006-10-20T17:45:00.000-04:00

Kim Jong Il shocked the world today when he actually apologized for testing Nuclear Weapons. He then shocked high-level politicians when Kim Jong Il conditionally agreed to concessions set forth by the United Nations regarding North Korea's Nuclear program. However, perhaps the most shocked person today is George W. Bush who was in the midst of a press conference with Kim Jong Il when the North Korean Dictator revealed that his country would only agree to the U.N. concessions... 'if the American President can remove this stone from my hand.'

This picture was taken at the exact moment George W. Bush realized Kim Jong Il
wasn't joking about taking the stone out of his hand.

To his credit George W. Bush fought long and hard to get the stone out of Kim Jong Il's hand however his 'Texan Swagger' was no match for Kim Jong's 'Forty Years Of Professional Martial Arts Training'. The fight had to be stopped after a particularly rough exchange in which the President was thrown to the ground, stepped on and referred to as 'Kim Jong Il's Bitch.'

The President left in a huff and vowed to bring the full force of his military might to remove the stone from Kim Jong Il's hand.

"Kim's Young Eel... or whatever his name is... it's not important, better do to remember... that I am a man. A man... a particular type of man that has... I don't like to be messed around. And Kim, I would do to remember that if necessary comes to shove... America has nuclear weapons."
- George W. Bush, President of the United States of America

The North Korean Dictator was swift with his response:

"As I said, if the American President can take this stone out of my hand [reveals stone] than I will agree to U.N. concessions. As to the President's threat... I would like to once again apologize to the wolrd and the United Nations for our Nuclear test... but Mr. President, we now have them too."
- Kim Jong Il, Supremem Commander of the Korean People's Army

- The Blogastair, reporting live from the nuclear fallout cave, Pyongyang, North Korea

Mcdonald's Corporate Jet engages Swiss Air Force in Air to Air Combat!

2006-10-13T17:17:00.000-04:00

Last month Switzerland dealt a crippling blow to McDonald's by passing a law which bans fast food from being sold to minors. Last night, McDonald's struck back. Hard.

In a shocking development one of McDonald's corporate jets entered Swiss airspace under the guise of 'conducting business' early last night. The jet then proceeded to shoot down two fighter jets from the Swiss Air Force who happened to be on route to a training mission. More fighters were scrambled and a dog fight ensued resulting in the loss of two more Swiss jets before the McDonald's plane fled the area.

Satellite Photo of the McDonald's Jet dodging a Swiss missile

"We just had no idea their jet had that kind of military capability. It was over before it started. I'll never eat a Big Mac again."
- Matthias Weibel, Brigadier General of the Swiss Air Force

McDonald's released a statement to the press shortly after the attack:

"It's unfortunate it had to come to this but we will not negotiate with terrorists. They can keep our young Swiss hostage but we will continue to pursue military action against them until they release the minors of Switzerland to eat where they please."
- Jim Skinner, CEO McDonald's Corp

Effigies of Hamburgler and Ronald McDonald have been burned at public demonstrations across the country. Swiss President, Moritz Leuenberger, has vowed to keep all the countries citizens safe from harm.

"Whether it be from trans-fat laden food or precision military strikes, the Government will protect you from McDonald's."
- Moritz Leuenberger, President of Switzerland

The Western world eagerly awaits the outcome of this corporate war as it will have a watershed effect on future international business.

- The Blogastair reporting live, Swiss Federal Council Chambers, Switzerland

Big Bird Burns his Nest Down, Big Egg dies.

2006-10-06T16:11:00.000-04:00

In a tragic twist of fate, Big Bird, of Sesame Street Fame, burned his house down while playing with fire. A strong vocal oppenent of kids playing with fire, Big Bird had this to say:

"You know, it's something I've always said but to be honest I've never really believed it... [starts to cry] until now. I dunno... I just, I just had a lighter and it looked like fun and I... I ... Oh god what have I done. [sobs uncontrollably]
- Big Bird, Children's hero and resident of Sesame Street

Big Bird stands in shock amidst his burning house.

Tragically, Big Bird's Big Egg was inside the house under a heating lamp and was not able to be rescued in time. Apparently, Big Bird had taken a break from living on the semi-impoverished block of Sesame Street and rented a house in the Hamptons in order to help incubate his new egg.

"We see it all the time, guy sees a fire somewhere, he likes the flames and thinks he can make his own fire... ba da boom ba da bing your nest egg is burned to the ground. But this here... I mean the Bird's got no opposable thumbs and he still thinks it's a great idea to play with a lighter? It's just a shame."
- Nicholas Scoppetta, Fire Commisioner, New York Fire Department

For now Big Bird is struggling with his loss and has vowed to fight 'playing with fire' with fire. Concerened readers can make a donation to his "Fight playing with fire with fire" Fund. To help raise money for the cause Big Bird is auctioning off the world's largest hard-boiled egg on E-bay and all the proceeds will go directly to his fund.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Big Bird's Burned Nest, Hamptons, NY

The Floater Blog introduces Merchandizing line!

2006-09-29T12:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Floater Blog readers,

I know it may feel as though your life has been turned upside down for the last 39 days. It may feel as though the cold hand of reality has slapped you in the face. And maybe it feels as if the cold hand of reality then punched you in the gut and maybe just as you were bending over the cold hard elbow of reality slammed into the lumbar region of your spine. And maybe... just maybe, it even feels like the cold hard hands of reality pierced your ear with a barbed fish hook and threw you into a tank full of crocodiles. But now... feel these. They are the warm and welcoming hands of the Floater Blog pulling you from the mouths of the reptilian beasts by the fish hook in your ear to say... we're back... and we love you.

In fact, we love you so much that we took time off to make your lives better. That painful barren wasteland of a month without the Floater Blog will soon seem worth the sacrifice once you purchase one of our many producst from our brand new MERCHANDIZING LINE!!!! That's right we have spent the last month developing a whole line of products with the sole aim of making your life easier... starting with... THE FLOATER BLOG BOTTLE OPENER!!!!

The Floater Blog Bottle Opener* in Action

This new bottle opener is nothing if not practical. Small and compact the Floater Blog Bottle Opener* can easily fit into any large storage closet or basement. The Floater Blog Bottle Opener* might look complicated with all of it's mechanical parts and that's why it's so expensive!!! But the amazing thing about the Floater Blog Bottle Opener* is that it opens bottle's all by itself!!! That's right you simply say the command word and it will retrieve a bottle from the desired location and bring it back to you open, cold and ready to drink!!!

And as a promise to you the Floater Blog will not use any cheap tactics to sell any of our products. We feel the product is strong enough to sell itself!! So buy one today and see for youself!!!

- The Blogastair, finally reporting live from the Floater Blog's new headquarters, 3/4 of a kilometer into international waters off the coast of Brazil.

*Note: You must supply and train your own child or petite circus performer to operate the moving parts. Some assembly is not required as all of the assembly is.

Ontario anounces 46 Billion to be spent on Nuclear power, Giant Cat to be put down.

2006-07-28T17:02:00.000-04:00

Dalton McGuinty held an eventful press conference at the Tiverton, Ontario Bruce Power Plant. He announced plans for the Ontario government to spend 46 billion dollars rebuilding up to three nuclear plants.

Environmentalists balk at this idea because of the nuclear waste they produce and the safety hazards they pose.

McGuinty stands firm on his decision though and assures the public there is "nothing wrong with our nuclear program."

Dalton addressing reporters while a Giant Cat lurks in the background.

Reporters immediately questioned him on this statement as there was a monstrous 22 foot tall tabby cat lurking in the background throughout the entire press conference.

"Yes, in this area there have been sightings of animals growing to unusual sizes but I don't see how this has any relation to our Nuclear program. We are here to discuss the benefits of a sustainable energy source, not some mutant animals."
- Dalton McGuinty, Premier of Ontario

The rest of the press conference was cut short as most reporters left to watch as the Giant Cat single-handedly pulled four 500 pound Tuna from Lake Huron. An amazing feat if for no other reason than it being the first time Tuna have been found in freshwater.

Afterwards, McGuinty promised to 'have the giant cat put down' promising that future discussions of the Province's energy crisis would not be distracted by these Giant Beasts.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Bruce Power Plant, Tiverton, Ontario

Rejoice!

2006-07-25T00:01:00.000-04:00

The world rejoices today. In a celebration the likes the world has seen only twenty five such times before, Alastair Forbes will be anointed twenty six today. In a four hour morning ceremony, 193 heads of State will pay homage to Alastair and his family. Ceasefires have been declared the world over and all Religions but for one have declared today as a day to worship Alastair, not their respective deities. Buddhism made no such declaration as Alastair is already considered their deity having achieved Nirvana on his tenth birthday.

A Castle was built to mark the occasion and a private dinner party will be held with a little over 2000 people attending. The Castle is a gift from the world's Mammals, represented by just over 5000 heads of species. Last year the floating Palace was donated by the Birds of the world and the Amphibians are looking forward to their plans for a semi-submerged Chateau next year. Angels came down from the Heavens to give thanks for Alastair including the Michelangelo angel who painted this representation of the Celebration to happen tonight:

We Loveth Thee, Alastair, We Loveth Thee, by Michelangelo

In a time when there is so much strife and conflict in the world, it is refreshing to see the World unite in their genuflection towards Alastair. He has done so much and asks for so little in return, it's the least the World can do. Michelangelo was right, We Loveth Thee, Alastair... We Loveth Thee.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, The Forbes Castle, Paradise Island, International Waters

Bush: The Environment is hurting our economy

2006-07-19T13:30:00.000-04:00

The American government has a new war to fight… the fight against the Environment.

“I have been watching this trend closely grow… over the years I have been Mr. President. Now a new enemy has come to fight us even so… while we are still fighting Terrorism. Well let’s call a spade a tar baby and Environment you are a terrorist.”
- George W. Bush, POTUS

A Presidential spokesperson assured us that the President meant to say there has been a growing trend of the Environment encroaching upon the American economy, which puts the American way of life at risk. The White House then released a simulated photo of the encroaching Environment and warned citizens to take every precaution when encountering the Environment.

The 'Environment' attacks an Ohio town.

Ralph Nader, two time Presidential Candidate respectfully disagrees:

"It's absurd. The picture is clearly a poorly doctored photo of an enlarged caterpillar, which by the way are herbivores. This Administration has consistently misled the American people and this has got to be the last straw.... I mean the Environment isn't an object or a monster... it's our world... nature!"
- Ralph Nader, two-time Presidential candidate

Nader, however, has proven himself a hysterical fearmonger with his take on this issue and the President has assured the public he is part of an ongoing Terror investigation. In the meantime, Americans can rest assured that the war on the Environment is already underway. Generous companies like Shell, Monsanto and IBP have already donated funds and manpower towards destroying the enemy.

"We're working very hard to destroy as much of the Environment as possible. But so far we've only won a few battles we're a long way from winning the war. All I ask is that Americans support us in any way they can. Drive aimlessly, throw away styrofoam containers, start brush fires, eat only processed foods and burn your rubber tires. Every little bit counts."
- John Hofmeister, President of Shell Oil Company

We here at the Floater Blog have already made a donation to 'Drill Alaska', so now the question is what will you do?

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washington D.C.

Frat Boys duped: 'Indiana is nothing like India!'

2006-07-11T15:13:00.000-04:00

An unfortunate set of circumstances has ruined an otherwise 'awesome summer road trip.' Jeremy Talman and Don Nedlan had spent a year planning a month-long backpacking trip to their favorite country India. However, things took a terrible turn for the worse:

"Ya, I'm really bummed out. We had this awesome trip planned but it was harsh on our budget. And when we saw this flyer advertising tickets to Indiana that were WAY cheaper than our tickets to India and we were like 'right on!'... but it turns out Indiana is nothing like India."
- Jeremy Talman, Sophomore, Alabama State University

Jeremy and Don in front of the Soldiers and Sailors Monument.

Their mistake was exacerbated as Jeremy and Don only brought 12 American dollars with them as the rest of their money was tied up in 46,000 rupees.

"Ya what really sucked about the trip for me is that there were no Indian hotties. Sure we saw some regulation hotties, but they weren't exotic or nothin... and the curry sucked."
- Don Nedlan, Junior, Alabama State University

The question remains... is Indiana taking advantage of India's popularity as a travel destination? With ads like "Come to Indiana and try our Curry" one would say yes. However, Lt. Governor Becky Skillman disagrees:

"I don't see how that is misrepresenting us, we have some curry here in our state and we encourage people to try it. Come for the curry, stay for roads. That's what I say. We've got lots of roads and most of them are paved."
- Becky Skillman, Lt. Governor of the State of Indiana

Hopefully the plight of Jeremy and Don will give light to one of the many hazards of international travel.

-The Blogertair, reporting live on location, one of the many, many roads, Indianapolis, Indiana

Canadian Lawyer Sues Herself. Sets Precedent.

2006-07-06T13:08:00.000-04:00

A precedent setting case is currently underway in Toronto, Ontario as a Canadian lawyer is suing herself... for copyright infringement.

"I was double checking a brief I had handed in to the courts in the morning when I realized that I had copied a great deal of the brief directly from a paper I had written in my final year of Law School. So I did the right thing and sued for copyright infringement."
- Elisabeth 'Lis' Patrick, Lawyer for WeirFoulds L.L.P.

The high profile of the case has sparked controversy and some high-profile comments:

"I think Lis has done the right thing. She is a great example for Lawyers in our country. No deed, whether it be good, bad, sensational or banal, should be exempt from being tested in a court of law."
- The Hon. Beverly Mclaughlin, Cheif Justice of Canada

The precedent setting case of Patrick V. Patrick

Patrick is suing Patrick for $162,000 dollars in damages claiming 'loss of revenue' and 'damage to my reputation'.

"If I let this go, people may associate my work with this sub-par material and my professional reputation could be affected. Yes, It is a risk. I am liable to lose my apartment but on the up side I would gain enough money to rent it back."
- Elisabeth 'Lis' Patrick, Lawyer for WeirFoulds L.L.P.

The case is currently in its third month before the courts and has cost taxpayers an estimated $67,000 dollars so far, prompting some to question the merit of the whole trial.

Further doubts have overshadowed the case when Prosecutorial Patrick began drinking in the courtroom, often stumbling out at the end of the day visibly intoxicated. (See Above Photo of Patrick holding a glass of wine). Not to be outdone, the Defense Patrick has attempted to bribe the judge sixteen times now, with a progressively larger bribe each time. The last one being 94 dollars and a dinner date. (See above photo of Patrick reaching into her wallet)

A waste of time and the taxpayer's money? Probably. But it's a surefire way to double your money by betting on Patrick to win.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Superior Court of Justice, Toronto, Ontario.

New Study: Dogs actually are smarter than cats.

2006-07-01T21:22:00.000-04:00

The verdict is finally in: dogs actually are smarter than cats. A new study conducted by The Center for the Integrative Study of Animal Behavior revealed today that in basic cognitive functions most species of dogs far outperformed their cat counterparts.

The three basic tests were:

Write an essay on a topic of your choice.
Answer 10 skill testing questions.
Follow a map to pass through a maze.

"It really was no contest from the outset. I'm not sure why this hasn't been studied before but there never was a doubt in my mind."
- Dr. Spot, Author of 'See Spot introduce his quantum theory on astrally affected socio-behaviours of your pet', and one of the dogs participating in the study.

Dr. Spot, Author and Study Particiapant.

It would take far too long to examine all the test results in detail but to give a good idea , some of the essay topics turned in by the dogs include 'Indentured Service or Symbiotic Servitude: A comparative Study of Dogs and their Masters' (written by a Border Collie named Tiffany) and 'Let's Go for a Walk: A dog's observations of mid-western Botanical Biodiversity in Colorado' (written by a Pug named Rexington).
Most dogs scored a perfect 10 out of 10 on the skill testing questions and a whopping 92% used the map correctly to find their way through the maze. The remaining 8% only didn't make it because they had co-ordinated a plan to meet at a secret location inside the maze where they designed an elaborate prank for one of the testers involving 2 pulley systems, a fulcrum and 12 cream pies .

The Cats on the other hand faired very poorly in all 3 contests. There was not a single intelligible essay handed in. Most papers did not in fact resemble their namesake as they generally consisted of shredded paper, fur and fecal matter.
The Cats fared even worse in the trivia section with a full 100% failure rate. None of the Cats could answer such simple questions such as: What is 2 + 4? or Define 'ready'. Almost all the Cats resorted to some form of unintelligible meowing with a few rude ones staring hatefully at the tester and refusing to utter a sound of any kind. This seemingly innocuous study had its tragic side as the first 3 cats in the maze died from starvation, ending an otherwise successful investigation on a sour note.

Despite the dead cats this study is a great boon to pet owners. Providing a greater understanding and appreciation for our pets. Unless you own a cat, in which case you have discovered they are dumb.

-The Blogatini, reporting live on location, The Center for the Integrative Study of Animal Behavior, Bloomington, Indiana

Canadians are the most polite people to torture: US Study says.

2006-06-25T17:24:00.000-04:00

A new study just published in 'Scientific American' finds that of over 93 nationalities tested, Canadians were the most polite to torture. The tests were conducted by anonymous U.S. researchers working at an anonymous prison in an anonymous Eastern European country.

All nationalities were tested in three categories with 20 members from each country. The three categories were:

What language the Torturee used while being electrocuted.
How many teeth would the Torturee have left when they finally told the Torturer what they wanted to hear.
Given the opportunity would the Torturee attempt to escape.

"Canadians came out on top in each category, far outperforming other nationalities. I wouldn't hesitate for a second to torture a Canadian again in the future."
- Anonymous, Marketing Director of Anonymous in Anonymous.

Two tortured Canadians, still smiling for the camera.

The results were spectacular with 19 of 20 Canadians refraining from using any negative words and most still saying their please and thank you's before, during and after their electrocution session. The 20th said the word 'darn' but immediately apologized and asked if he could electrocute himself to make up for it. The Scottish were the most likely to use bad words often starting the session with "Who the **** are you? What the **** am I doing here?" and "I'm a ****ing piece of Haggis!"

A full 20 of 20 Canadians offered all truthful information before any teeth pulling occurred however 17 of the 20 asked to have at least 3 or 4 teeth pulled anyways saying 'well you've gone to all this trouble, you might as well take some out.' On the opposite end of the spectrum a full 20 of 20 Djiboutians had all of their teeth pulled as all 20 claimed they couldn't speak English.

Once again full marks for Canadians in the last category where none of the Canadians decided to try to leave through their unlocked cell door with a strong 16 of 20 actually closing the door, including one Canadian who asked for a guard to let them know for next time that they'd forgotten to lock them in.

Other intriguing finds were:

Germans were the most likely to make cold and precise statements such as "You are freezing me to within a 476th of an inch of my life!"
Canadians were most likely to apologize after they were hurt, most saying "Oops, sorry about that."
The British were the most likely to enjoy having their teeth pulled, with a 72% success rate in improving their smile.
The Swedish were most likely to speak in a 'funny sounding language' while being electrocuted.

This study is a great boon to the Bush Presidency as recently America has come under attack for falling behind in Science:

"This study proves... America has and are having to be... the bestest finders of... stuff that knows."
- George W. Bush, President of the United States

- The Blogastair reporting live on location, Anonymous prison, Anonymous, Anonymous.

Secret Vatican documents suggest Pope John Paul II was actually 'pretty fly.'

2006-06-19T15:27:00.000-04:00

The Floater Blog has obtained secret Vatican documents which shed a new light on Pope John Paul II. Leaked by top Cardinals expressing their displeasure with Pope Benedict's incredibly low 'cool factor' these documents reveal Pope John Paul the Second (or DJP2 as he was affectionately known in the Vatican Nightclubs) was actually a hip and happenin dude.

"DJP2? Are you kiddin! He was sick! He was famous for doing keg stands at the private mass... man I have never seen anyone able to give a better sermon hung over."
- Zenon Grocholewski, 65, Poland (2001), Prefect Emeritus of Catholic Education, Roman Curia

The documents are many and all are revealing. Some are personal journals of nights out on the town. Some are personal sketches of John Paul's depicting various upgrades to the vatican facade (i.e. disco lights, neon signs, a superman statue etc. All were rejected by the clergy). Some documents are photos not previously released by the Vatican including this one of Pope John Paul II's short-lived upgrade to his Popemobile:

The 'Pimpedmobile' as named by JP 2

"Reaching out to the kids was a big part of his mandate. Most people don't realize he was actually cool like the kids. Not like Benedict XVI, he tries... but he aint fly, he's just a lame old white guy."
- Attilio Nicora, 68, Italy (2003), President Emeritus of Administration of the Patrimony of the Apostolic See, Roman Curia

As Pope John Paul II is up for saint hood this should affect his canonization. It certainly has affected his reputation as more and more people have begun calling him what his favorite Cardinals called him: 'The Dope.'

- Blogatini, reporting live on location, Vatican City, Vatican City.

Kelly Forbes caught producing bizarre Turtle Pornography

2006-06-13T15:25:00.000-04:00

What is the world coming to? That is the question many people around the globe are asking themselves as Kelly Forbes' bizarre Turtle Pornography ring has been exposed. Not to be confused with scientific nature videos, these films feature turtles in bizarre sexual positions such as: the turtle waxer, the shell shaper and the oil rig. Every video is also personally hosted by Kelly Forbes (aka 'Smelly Forbes') who goads the turtles on to act out increasingly bizarre sexual endeavors.

"Surprised? Well, unfortunately no. Disappointed? Yes, definitely... we've all been disappointed in Kelly for quite some time now."
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer and Kelly's Mother

A still shot from one of Kelly's movies entitled "Peek-a-Do-You"

To date Kelly has released over twenty seven videos featuring 68 different turtles. Some of her most popular titles include:

'Deliver my Pizza real slow'
'Turtles do Dallas'
'The Shell Hole'
'Raging Tortoise'
'To Shell and Back'

Since the report was broken by the Floater Blog, environmentalist and animal rights activists have been up in arms.

"There is absolutely no scientific value to these videos. None. These are not nature films and these are not normal mating habits of turtles. These turtles are being outright exploited. How many of them are brought here by Kelly and have no other place to go? How many of them have no choice but to participate in these twisted videos?"
- Dr. Sue Lieberman, Global Species Program Director for the World Wildlife Fund

Kelly Forbes was unavailable for comment but needless to say, in the coming days things will become awfully heated around the Kelly Forbes' household.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Kelly Forbes' residence, Vancouver, B.C.

The Floater Blog discovers the Giant Squid and Jimmy Hoffa's body

2006-06-09T17:14:00.000-04:00

The Floater Blog investigative team has just returned from their most ambitious and rewarding investigation to date. It is with great honor that the Floater Blog announces the first ever photographic evidence of a Giant Squid and the discovery of Jimmy Hoffa's body. It is with greater honor for the Floater Blog to announce that these two discoveries were made AT THE SAME TIME!

The Floater Blog had received a tip from an anonymous prison inmate last Thursday that Jimmy Hoffa was made to 'sleep with the fishes' off New York's Verrazono Narrows bridge 31 years ago. The Floater Blog Investigative team spent the next 144 hours underwater following the trail of the late Mr. Hoffa's body, discovering that it had:

Fallen into a refrigerator at the bottom of the New York bay and Frozen solid, preventing decomposition.
Floated as a cube of ice 3880 nautical miles North towards the polar ice cap.
Stuck in the bow of the Titanic shipwreck for 16 months until the Discovery Channel crew, unbeknownst to them, knocked him loose.
Voted against Bush in the last election.
Become part of a bizarre Blue Whale mating ritual through which he became unfrozen.
Become the cause of a destructive turf war between the Blue Whale 'Crypts' and the Sperm Whale 'Bloods' of the North Pole which the Sperm Whale 'Bloods' eventually won at the cost of 24 homewhales, including 3 that were preggers.
Become the cause of an even more destructive turf war between the Sperm Whale 'Bloods' and the Giant Squid 'Polesh Crew' which was where the investigative team finally caught up with the body.

Without further ado here is the now famous picture of a member of the Polesh Crew and the Bloods fighting over Jimmy Hoffa's body.

The first photographic evidence of a Giant Squid and Jimmy Hoffa's body.

Note the tell-tale tattoo of the Teamster's Logo located on his right hand which we have enlarged and enhanced.

"Without a doubt this is conclusive evidence that Jimmy Hoffa's body has been found."
- Robert S. Mueller III, director of the U.S. F.B.I.

It is unfortunate that the body is being used as a 'plaything' amongst turf wars between giant water beasts but as George Boehlert points out:

"Despite Jimmy Hoffa's obvious importance and success in life, his true accomplishment came in death as he helped to gather the first conclusive evidence of the existence of the Giant Squid. The Floater Blog reporters are nothing but heroes."
- George Boehlert, Director of the Hatfield Marine Science Center

Well, we don't know about heroes, but we're just happy to make a real contribution to science... and justice.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, 1.4 miles under the North Pole.

The Floater Blog investigates Giantess sightings in New York!

2006-05-23T15:52:00.001-04:00

For the first time ever the entire Floater Blog staff (all 53 investigative reporters) will be flying en masse to New York in order to personally witness reports of a wandering Giantess. Sadly, it means the Floater Blog will not be updated until their return on June 1st. (And The Floater Blog politely asks its readers to withhold from conducting a 7 day hunger vigil complete with self-mortification like last time).

The Giantess apparently wandered lost and confused into the city sometime around the beginning of May. Scientists are dubbing the creature "Lindsay Forbes" and have actually created an entirely new classification of mammal for Forbes called the Garga-giant.

"We get all types here in New York. You got a problem with that? So she's a Garga-giant? What's your $$$$ing point? I see $$$$ing midgets, $$$$ing bearded ladies, $$$$ing arm for a nose men and $$$$ing half-man half-horse people on my way to work everyday! And you come in here asking me about some Garga$$$$ingGiant? $$$$, you pricks piss me off you know that?"
- Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York

Despite the government's official statement of 'un-interest' in the matter, civilians have flocked to information about the Garga-giant. Many New Yorkers have taken pains to photograph the beast while running away from it in a panic. Here are some of those shots now:

Gargantuan Forbes perusing the NY Library

Lindsay the Giantess causing panic and confusion in Times Square

Gynormous Forbes wading drunkenly across the Hudson River

Imagine New Yorker's surprise when one-day a male Garga-Giant happened to appear alongside the beast.

"The Lindsay Forbes beast must have been giving off that strange musky scent in order to attract a mate. Of course she inadvertantly bathed the entire city in a milky haze. Simply remarkable."
Rune Feldenbergstien, Top Mammalian Research Scientist, NASA

Garga-giant Lindsay with her Garga-giant mate

What does this mean for New York? The Floater Blog intends to find out however, a more telling question might be: What does this mean for mankind as a whole?

- The Bloogerini, reporting live on location, 7 blocks away from the Chrysler building, New York, New York

Tony Snow is Grand Wizard, level 54

2006-05-19T15:56:00.000-04:00

Tony Snow, the new White House Press Secretary, gave his first public address yesterday. Reporters were shocked to find that he is a Grand Wizard... a level 54 Grand Wizard that is.

"We hired Tony because of his special abilities that we thought were well suited to the press room."
- Dick Cheney, Vice-President of the United States and Dungeon Master to the President's Monday night D&D game.

Tony's biography lists his special abilities as:

Ice Ray 12 (Deals 80 x 12 damage. Special Bonus: only consumes 5 MPs)
Slither Tongues 27 (+350% chance of persuasion)
The White Out (Blizzard blinds opponents, +275% chance to flee. Special Bonus: Deals 20 damage to each opponent)

Even more disconcerting than Snow's Raw Power is the fact that over the past 6 years the White House has denied entry to any reporter that is above a Level 3 Grunt. Simply put, the reporters don't have a chance.

Tony Snow 'Ices' another reporter

"I'm shocked, his Charisma and Intelligence levels are off the charts. And with the terrible Resist levels of those Level 1, 2 and 3 Grunts in the Press Room, I don't know how we are going to hear anything other than lies."
- Stewart Deepoindle, Creative Editor, Wizard's Lair Magazine

Experts estimate Tony Snow's character profile to look like this:

HP: 123 (Hit Points)
MP: 672 (Magic Points)
STR: 78 (Strength, for when he melees)
INT: 1457 (Intelligence, controls power of Magic)
WIS: 887 (Wisdom, controls number of spells)
CHR: 2046 (Charisma, ability to influence others)

High numbers to be sure but it certainly explains why in his first briefing he managed to use the racial term 'Tar Baby' without repercussion.

Experts estimate Snow draws his strength from the ever present snowing cloud situated just above his head. One can only hope to find a Wizard or a Cleric with a strong enough Hot Air Spell to blow the cloud away and save the day for us mere mortals.

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washington, D.C.

Queen visits Vancouver, relegated to kids' table.

2006-05-14T22:28:00.000-04:00

Queen Elizabeth II made a surprise Mother's Day visit to Vancouver, B.C. today when she unexpectedly dropped by for tea at the Newland's household. Unfortunately, it appears her manners weren't up to snuff as shortly thereafter she was relegated to the kids' table.

"I've always said to my kids. You've got to be ready with good manners, in case the Queen drops by for tea. What kind of a Mother would I be if I did not hold the Queen to the same standards as my children?"
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer

The offense in question was 'elbows on the table.' Nora made sure to point it out by politely remarking 'Mable Mable elbows on the table.' To which, Queen Elizabeth II, ever the elegant wit, replied, 'isn't this a horse's stable?' Nora, catching the bull by the horns, answered: 'No, it's a first class dining table. And you can now spend the rest of tea at the Kids' table thinking about what you've done.'

Nora and Nan enjoying tea and dinner while
Queen Elizabeth scolds children for 'getting into her purse.'

The Queen's own spokesperson remarked that she had been flying and drinking all day which may have been the cause of her gaff but assured Nora, that should the Queen ever be invited back, it wouldn't happen again.

For Nora's part, would the Queen would be invited back?

"She needs to spend some time thinking about manners. Once I see that she has really thought about what she has done and made an effort to improve than we'll see about having her back."
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer

Despite the gaff, the Mother's Day was a pleasant one at the Newland's household with Nora remarking once again:

"Oh, my son is definitely my favorite child, I don't care much for the other two. They could at least improve their manners."
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Newland's Household, Vancouver B.C. Happy Mothers Day Mom.

Stephen Harper fights with his publicist.

2006-05-11T20:49:00.000-04:00

Stephen Harper is fighting with his publicist. In yet another example of the current government's ear wetness, a proposed ad campaign has been delayed for another six months due to disagreements over the content.

The Conservative government hired a Toronto based Marketing firm to create an ad-campaign to increase their popularity, especially with younger voters. The Firm, OBG inc. (Oldies but Goodies) has decided to piggy back the ipod's success with a 'Think Different' campaign for Stephen Harper. The company drew up samples, used focus groups and conducted surveys. All signs pointed to a 'Go' but what the signs were really pointing to was a 'Stop! Let me read that. Think diff... What the &%$@?'

Harper refused to use the 'Think Different' slogan unless they included his second, less potent, addendum:

One of the first failed prototypes.

"Well obviously we're not going to use that slogan without an addendum. I'm not gay."
- Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada

OBG decided against going ahead with Harper's addendum. So a new slogan was decided upon which just as quickly had its own addendum and was just as quickly scrapped. Other failed slogans and their addendums include:

"Harper: he's your man." ad: "But not in a homosexual way."
"Harper, Just Do it." ad: "The 'it' isn't sex. Especially not gay sex."
"Call him the Hammer." ad: "But not a tool. Especially not a gay tool."
"Vote Harper." ad: "I'm not gay."

"I just don't see how any of our ads have anything to do with any kind of homosexual issue let alone whether or not the Prime Minister is gay."
- Ron Teel, Executive Director, OBG Inc.

Ron Teel was fired shortly after making that last comment which caused more delays in the already backed-up campaign. With their room in the polls shrinking these green Conservatives are becoming a tad frustrated. One thing they're not though, is gay.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Parliament HIll, Ottawa, Ontario

NHL awards Hart Trophy to Alastair Forbes

2006-05-09T11:28:00.000-04:00

In an unprecedented move, the NHL announced today that it would be awarding the Hart Trophy (Most Valuable Player) to Alastair Forbes, a Torontonian writer, Actor and journalist for the Floater Blog who does not even play in the NHL.

"We recognize that this is an unusual step however when you look at the athletic capabilities of Alastair and what amazing things he could have done if he decided to play in the NHL it just makes sense. The NHL needs a young, vibrant, incredibly attractive MVP and that's what we are getting with Alastair Forbes."
- Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner

Forbes beat out competitive hopefuls in Jaromir Jagr and Joe Thornton to win the Hart Trophy. They also decided that rather than awarding the Vezina Trophy (Best Goaltender) to the most boring player to watch in hockey (MIkka Kiprussoff), to give it to Forbes as a bonus even though he would have played Center or Right Wing.

Hart and Vezina Trophy Winner, Alastair Forbes

"We had been scouting Forbes for a long time. Ever since his school days when he would absolutely dominate the ball hockey competitions we knew he had something special in him. There is no doubt that had he been playing this year he would have beat out Thornton and Jagr for the trophy, so why not just call a spade a spade and do what's right."
- Bill Daly, NHL Vice-President

The Floater Blog wishes to extend a huge congratulation for what would have been a lot of hard work had Forbes played in the NHL. Congratulations Alastair, you deserve it.

- The Blogastair, reporitng live on location, Hockey Hall of Fame, Toronto, Ontario

Theatre Smash is good... a ... little.. too... good?

2006-05-05T17:24:00.000-04:00

TheatreSmash is the hottest new theatre company on the Toronto scene. With a successful friendraiser, fundraiser and an upcoming show, 'Tiny Dynamite,' that promises to be spectacular they have a promising future. This company is good... the Floater Blog asks... is it too good?

One of the esteemed Floater Blog Reporters was hired to shoot photos at the aforementioned Friendraiser and needless to say he was surprised when one of the photos of Co-Artistic directors Ashlie Corcoran and Sarah Baumann came back looking like this:

The true nature of these Artistic Directors is revealed

It appears that inadvertently Alastair Forbes has stumbled upon the key to Theatre Smash's success: Sub-Sonic-Refracting-Brain-Waves or Subsonrefractibrainwaves for short. Subsonrefractibrainwaves are invisible to the naked eye because they vibrate at such an incredible level. So fast, in fact, they still appear to be vibrating in the still photograph pictured above.

"I was just lucky to get the shot. A lot if it probably had to do with the fact that they were so close together which over-radiated their Subsonrefractibrainwaves."
- Alastair Forbes, Floater Blog Journalist and Brain-wave enthusiast.

What do Subsonrefractibrainwaves signify? Dr. Jara Jansen explains:

"Up until now Subsonrefractibrainwaves have only been a far-fetched theory. They are supposed to be a by-product of almost god-like brain power and were only ever associated with extra-terrestrials."
-Dr. Jara Janse, Neurastrophysicist, NASA

Do Ashlie Corcoran and Sarah Baumann possess god-like brain power? It would certainly explain Theatre Smash's phenomenal success thus far. Is this fair? Or is it a bit like Superman becoming a professional boxer? Theatre Smash released this statement after the Floater Blog asked for a comment:

"Oooohp... ehp Owp, Bzgooach EEEEEExthurkOOOOOO... (continues for 30 minutes in this fashion)"
- Ashlie Corcoran and Sarah Baumann, Co-founders, Theatre Smash

It would be pertinent to mention, that the mesage was released... INTO SPACE VIA A TELSONEX X3000 SATELLITE TRANSMITTER. If nothing else, this points to their fall show being absolutely, pardon the pun, out of this world.

Actually don't pardon the pun. It was intentional. We're that good.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, The Mojave Desert, Southern California, United States.

Whitehouse to release series of Children's books

2006-05-02T11:20:00.000-04:00

Karl Rove, the architect behind both of the current President's election campaigns, is gearing up for 2008. With George W. Bush's popularity rating at a record low, Rove has introduced a series of children's books which reflect the party's policies.

"The idea here is to present a good-ol fashioned homely way of bringing our message to the people. If the parents are reading these books to their kids at night, it can be an entertaining learning experience for the child and the parent. Our hope is for these books to exceed Harry Potter in popularity, and I believe they will because they're not blasphemous."
- Karl Rove, White House Deputy Chief of Staff

The Christmas Title of the Series.

The first books will be released in September and will follow the Holiday schedule of the year. Rove insists that while entertaining and educational the very lives of Americans may be at stake if the public doesn't read these books.

"Many Americans have started to forget the many dangers out there. America is constantly under attack from many different people. These books help to educate and prepare us for those attacks. Stay vigilant, don't be a traitor, read these books. Please."
- Karl Rove, White House Deputy Chief of Staff

Planned titles include:

No Oil? No Thanksgiving.
The Democratic Valentine's card that tried to make you Gay.
Jesus died on Easter, why can't you?
Independence is for Terrorists. Happy Dependence day!

The White House hopes to sell 40 million copies of the series in the first year. Revenues from the books will go directly to a trust fund for kids of the White House's Deputy Chief of Staff.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House, Washington D.C.

Rogers Inc. becomes Rogers High... School.

2006-04-28T13:11:00.000-04:00

Rogers Inc. has taken a step forwards by going backwards.... into High School. Ted Rogers, President and CEO of Rogers inc. explains,

"High Schoolers happen to be our largest demographic and so as a company I really want us to adopt a High School mentality so we can better understand and serve our customers. In order to do that I've rented out a high school where our new Head Office will be located until a new Rogers High Head Office can be built by September."
- Ted Rogers, CEO Rogers Inc.

The High School Rogers is talking about is Sir William Osler High School in Scarborough Ontario. The Principal was all too willing to cancel the last 38 days of classes and vacate the school in order to receive a 10% discount on their first three months of high-speed internet for the following school year.

Ted Rogers, wearing a ridiculous blue suit, speaking to his new employees

Many new policies have been adopted by the company. Here are a few examples:

All employees must now work at small tables in groups of 3 or 4 but no talking is allowed until discussion time.
Employees must use a hall pass to access the washrooms and the staff room is now off-limits to all employees but for the CEO and VP.
All students must practice cool things like 'Parkour' the running and jumping sport in their 'tipping on the brink' commercial. Or break dancing which if done to a particularly skilled level, the present employees will respond with "Oh, that's bananas son."
The hiring age has been reduced to 14 with preference given to 16 year olds.
Retirement packages are available to anyone over the age of 21.

In the long run this may be a smart move for Rogers. Creating loyal customers out of impressionable minds is far easier than creating loyal customers out of intelligent people.

However, in the short run, this new regime has caused much strife and turmoil amongst the employees.

"All I did was pass a note. I had to pass it cause Brad was looking at Sarah in that creepy way again and I finally figured it out that he totally likes her. And then stupid Mr. Rogers fired me."
- Jennifer Bington, Former Assistant Marketing Manager, Rogers Inc.

Other employees have been suspended without pay for failing to hand in reports on time. One employee was asked to come in on Saturday because he was caught text messaging his friend at one of the work tables.

The long term success of the new Rogers High is yet to be seen, but in the short term there are a few hurdles to clear first.

- The Bloggeee, reporting live on location, Rogers Inc.'s new Head High School Office, Scarborough Ontario

Star Daily goes Inside Celebrities... actually inside of them.

2006-04-25T12:07:00.000-04:00

Star Daily has announced a new show: "Inside Celebrities." A show that takes the viewer actually inside celebrities' bodies.

"We here at Star! Daily pride ourselves on being incredibly in-touch with our viewers. We took a poll recently and our viewers told us they wanted to be closer to celebrities. Well viewers, we heard you and we're closer!"
- Inta Rusive, Marketing Director for Star! Daily

Title Screen for the new show.

The first episode will be about billionaire heiress Paris Hilton's liver. Pictured above, Star Daily has outdone itself with shocking discoveries of fat deposits indicating a recent meal of fast food. Perhaps the most surprising evidence dug up was a globule found in her liver suggesting Paris has been dating rocker Tommy Lee for about 3 months now and they had rented out an entire Brazilian resort for a sex-filled weekend.

Just how does Star! Daily manage to get inside celebrities' bodies? Does this violate their rights? Ruder explains:

"We follow all the laws to the letter. If the celebrities are in a public place than they are deemed accessible by the media. Same goes for injecting them with microscopic cameras. If they are in a public place and happen to fall into a chloroform induced sleep than they are accessible by microscopic camera injections."
- Inta Ruder, Marketing Director, Star! Daily

Some Celebrities have come out against the show, threatning lawsuits and claiming it's an invasion of privacy. However, over 130 million viewers tuned into the first episode with ratings expected to double. So, invasion of privacy or not, people love watching people's insides.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Star! Daily Head Office, Toronto Ontario

The Sun to be home to new Presidential Memorial.

2006-04-20T10:11:00.000-04:00

President Bush announced today, in conjunction with NASA, plans for a Presidential Memorial in the Sun.

"This is a proud day for me, a proud day and a ... prouder day... for my... for me. I'm proud of all the boys at NASA... and girls. Heh, I like the girls too. For putten me to the sun proudly."
- George W. Bush, POTUS

The President, speaking at a Grade 2 level, meant to say that he was proud that the American nation would be memorializing him in the Sun. In order to avoid a further 40 minutes of general confusion and disorientation at the Press Conference a spokesperson for NASA, instead of the President, was asked to explain how this plan would be carried out.

"Using a new X30 rocket we will be propelling 30 nuclear warheads to the Sun. Upon impact with the Sun's inner core the warheads will detonate and, much like expensive fireworks, explode into the likeness of the President. Our hope is the image will burn into the Sun's outer core."
- Rev. Ian Morrol, Presidential Spiritual Advisor to NASA

Artist's rendering of the proposed Presidential Tribute.

When asked about the risks of detonating 30 nuclear warheads in a giant ball of gas Morrol went on to say:

"If we do the right thing by God, God will do the right thing by us therefore, the risk becomes negligible."
- Rev. Ian Morrol, Presidential Spiritual Advisor to NASA

With all concerns eased by the good Reverend's soothing words the next question was a bit of a puzzler. Why the Sun? In a another twisting lair of confusion and blubbery, The POTUS answered:

"The Sun? Well, heh, why not? I mean Lincoln, Washington and ... you know ... a couple other guys got a mountain... why not the Sun? The Sun belongs to America right? So why shouldn't my face be putten up in the Sun? Besides it'll help with re-eclection."
- George W. Bush, POTUS

After confirming with Presidential aides that he meant re-election reporters asked how he planned to circumvent the constitutional rule which bars a President for running more than two terms. The President simply smiled and winked, which, while creepy, was probably clearer than any answer he could have given.

The Bloggerbotterastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washington, D.C.

Easter Bunny hides Easter Eggs and Microphones!

2006-04-17T12:10:00.000-04:00

In possibly the most damaging scandal yet of the current President's reign, the Government has been caught red-handed trying to expand their illegal surveillance network. Between 2am and 5am on Monday April 17th hundreds of Americans were surprised to be woken up to an Easter Bunny breaking into their house to hide eggs... and microphones.

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of this story is the White House's frank and unapologetic views of their brazen plan.

"For quite some time, we have been looking at expanding our surveillance from wiretaps and electronic interceptions to direct in-home microphones. We feel this is an important step in National Security and our studies show the only people opposed to this measure are terrorists and traitors."
- Scott Mclellan, White House Press Secretary

One of the many Easter Bunnies' Mugshots

Thankfully one reporter, who has now been banned from the White House press room, asked the right question: Why were men dressed up as Easter Bunnies attempting to install these microphones in the middle of the night?

"Well we had been looking at different ways to deliver our in-home-listening-devices and the President came up with a solution. The plan was to piggy back the real Easter Bunny's work on Easter Weekend. While the Easter Bunny was delivering the real treats for girls and boys, our men, dressed to look like the real Easter Bunny, would go in and install the microphones. If anyone saw them, they would assume they were the real Easter Bunny and go back to bed. Of course, hind-sight 20/20 the President found out this morning that the real Easter Bunny is in-fact, not real."
- Scott Mclellan, White House Press Secretary

Few details other than those mentioned were released to the public including possible consequences of this episode. In fact, reporters found themselves stone-walled again when Mclellan left in a huff.

"... I've already said no comment on that subject. Look, why don't you stop asking questions about information only terrorists could be interested in. Let's talk about the real issue here. The President has just found out that a lifelong idol of his does not in fact exist. It's a tough and emotional day for this mourning administration and it is very insensitive of you to come in here and make it tougher like this. Frankly I'm disgusted. [walks off in a huff]"
- Scott Mclellan, White House Press Secretary

Is this action unconstitutional? What happens to the 'Easter Bunnies'? Are you planning to continue expanding your illegal surveillance? On a day where the President has lost a childhood friend, questions like these, will have to go unanswered.

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washingtong, D.C.

Subway sues Mcdonald's over sandwiches!

2006-04-13T11:49:00.000-04:00

Subway is suing McDonald's over their new 'Toasted Deli Sandwiches.' How can a sandwich company sue another company for making a similar sandwich? Simple. They're actually the same sandwich. How can a sandwich company patent a sandwich? They can't. Subway literally means they are the same sandwich.

That's right. Subway claims that McDonald's is buying Subway sandwiches in the morning and re-selling them as 'Toasted Deli Sandwiches' in the afternoon.

"One of our employees (who has now been promoted) became suspicious when for the 16th morning in a row a conspicuously dressed man came in and purchased 72 footlong subs. After a thorough investigation we unfortunately discovered that our recent jump in breakfast sales was not due to our new sausage, beans, egg and hash browns sub. It turns out that all over North America, McDonald's employees had been purchasing Subway sandwiches in the morning for re-sale in the afternoon. Besides the obvious health and safety issues, our patented bread is not for re-sale."
- Fred Deluca, Subway CEO

Photo of McDonald's CEO Charlie Bell caught 'red handed'

McDonald's CEO Charlie Bell initially attempted to deny Subway's claims until we showed him the photo of himself purchasing Subway Sandwiches in bulk (above).

"Well, I don't see why this is special, McDonald's has many suppliers with many problems. There is a simple answer to both of this supplier's concerns. We don't just re-sell the sandwiches. We give them the McDonald's touch. Each sandwich is deep fried with a Mars bar for 45 minutes. Killing both the germs and any claims that it is still a patented bread. So I invite anyone to come and try our new healthy choice Toasted Deli Sandwiches that are nothing but McDonald's."
- Charlie Bell, Mcdonald's CEO

Will the law see this issue the same way McDonald's does? Charlie Bell certainly presents a convincing argument. However, The Floater Blog prides itself on reporting the news, not judging it.

- The blgloger, reporting live on location, McDonald's Head Office, Oakbrook, Illinois

Nike's PR increases Factory Output!

2006-04-10T12:25:00.000-04:00

You can teach an old dog new tricks, or at least that's what Nike's counting on with its revamped 'Please to Beat You' Ad Campaign. The original Ad campaign for Nike Soccer was so successful they thought they may be able to use it again to help their flagging employment division.

"We're really trying to turn a new corner with factory management. In the past we have used strict discipline and 'punishment reinforcement' as tools to increase factory output. We are revolutionizing management by implementing a positive approach to strict discipline and punishment reinforcment. Where before it would have been "No! You should have thought of that before, Pee in this bucket now!" Now it would be "Oh, I hate to do this, but our washroom's are only for break, but I have a compromise, how about you pee in this bucket now?"
- Dr. Rappalling, Nike's Employment Manager, Indonesia

To augment their revolutionary management style Nike have begun their new ad campaign to change the way Nike's employees in China, Indonesia and Vietnam view their employer.

Nike's re-vamped 'Pleased to Beat You' Campaign

"As you can see, the ads reflect our new approach. Before, it was all business and 'more shoes now!' Now we're 'pleased to beat you!' We'll take the time to go over your transgressions and help you to get back on track to being more productive. We think it's just a win win situation. For us."
- Dr. Ahore-able, Nike's Employment Manager, China

Since Nike's ad campaign started in their factories, production has increased by 10%, however, there is now a higher turnover rate. Moreover, Nike will be the first to tell you that they only sub-contract the work out to these factories. This means that how much of the 'Pleased to Beat You' Program each factory wants to adopt is up to them. Nevertheless, Nike remains confident they have a winning ad campaign on their hands.

How much of this change in their employment approach was due to the upcoming release of the film Sweat? Well, on this, Nike was mum. (They refused to comment, for the layperson)

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam

Telus Animal Cuties go on Hunger Strike

2006-04-06T16:59:00.000-04:00

For the second time in a year telecomm giant Telus is embroiled in a labor dispute. The cute animals featured in Telus' "the future is friendly" ad campaign have begun a massive hunger strike. Over 70 animals have given up on feed, pellets, krill, small rodents and end-table scraps all in the name of justice. Spark Parrot 1 explains:

"So they put down this cellphone and tell me they'll give me some more feed and a small worm if I walk on their cellphone. I thought they were testin it against bird crap or somethin. But I get a call from my cousin in Vancouver, who happened to be flyin by a TV shop, tells me he sees me on the TV. Says to me 'What the F@#$ is a parrot gonna do with a cellphone? You sellout!' "
- Spark Parrot 1, Telus 'Spark' commercials

Apparently all the animals have been duped one way or another into representing various Telus products and have been mercilessly criticized by their own species. Baby Pig 2 spoke at the Hunger rally:

Photo of the Hunger Strike

"I know I speak for all pigs when I say, this stinks! Hoofs are good for stepping on rocks not surfing the internet! The good name of PIG has been dirtied by associating with the disgusting name of Telus and we want it stopped!"
- Baby Pig 2, Telus Broadband commercials

The animals all feel the their names are debased by being forced to associate with such a terrible company.

"My life is ruined. I get calls from bunnies everywhere, and they're so many more of them each day. They all tell me that I have ruined the name of bunny, that everyone will think bunnies are terrible at customer service and that we'll demand WAY too much, giving so little in return. Also, I am still taped to two other bunnies who people now think are my sisters, but I've never met them before."
- Left Bunny, Bunny triplets, Telus 'Digital Cable' commercials

Telus may not pull their 'future is friendly' commercials anytime soon but one thing is certain: if they don't they'll have a lot of cute animals on their hands... who are dead.

The bloooooooooooogerino, reporting live on location, Telus Head Office, Burnaby, B.C.

Toronto's Underbelly exposed

2006-04-04T11:58:00.000-04:00

The Floater Blog has an exclusive investigative report that exposes Toronto's 'underbelly' for what it really is: A giant Hydra Monster called Larusala.

"It was huge, just massive... so many... heads, and that one head in particular... oh god... [whimpers] and and and it just attacked us, in the middle of the night. That thing [sobs] took my wife, and oh the things she does to those poor women. [sobs even sadder]"
- John Palmetti, eyewitness of a Larusula attack

But John Palmetti's wife, Mrs. Palmetti, did come back alive. Most of them do... but they come back changed. We sat down to talk with Mrs. Palmetti and what she had to say will shock you:

"Well, I guess that if I were talking to her (Larusala) right now I would say... oh this is tough ... [gets intense look in her eyes] Since you been gone... I can breathe for the first time [laughs] I'm so moving on, yeah [snorts] yeah Thanks to you now I get what I want. [Gets misty eyed] Since you been gone."
- Mrs. Palmetti, talking about Larusula in Kelly Clarkson lyrics.

That's right, Kelly Clarkson lyrics from her popular song 'Since you been gone.' No one has actually been to Larusala's Lair, except for those who have been 'changed', so we've done the best we could to piece together exactly what goes on in that most wicked warren starting with an artist's sketch here:

Artist's depiction of Larusala's Lair

By all accounts, it appears that Larusala strikes just after 2am in the morning, whisking away a young female and tying them up deep in her lair (believed to be somewhere in the Don Valley). Larusala then opens all five of her sickening teethy jaws... and begins to sing 5 part harmonies of Kelly Clarkson's most popular hits. A spokesmen acting on behalf of the RIAA, TPD and the FBI talked to us about this bizarre behavior:

"Clearly this Larusala has been at this for a number of years and it has affected a LOT of women, why she chooses Kelly Clarkson is beyond us but it answers a lot of questions. Kelly Clarkson's popularity finally makes sense. We only hope that we can cure these poor individuals."
-T.J. Hooker, former fictional character, spokesperson for the RIAATPDFBI joint investigation.

We can only hope so too T.J., we can only hope so too.

- Blogtablogger, reporting live on location, Toronto, Ontario.

Forbes kidnapped by Gorilla's! Floater Blog lay dormant!

2006-03-31T16:49:00.000-05:00

Gorilla warfare has spread to North America. In a stunning blow to freedom, Gorilla's managed to sneak into Canada and whisk away Canada's brightest mind in the dark of night. Using well-published Gorilla tactics the Gorilla group calling themselves "Unhhggoo" used the cover of the surrounding trees to surprise Fort Floater Blog. Climbing through the window of renowned Floater journalist Alastair Forbes' bedroom they used their decided surprise and upper-body-strength advantage to carry Forbes away to their secret hide-out where he was held captive for 7 days.

Photo of Alastair taken by one of his Gorilla captors

Through snippets of conversation, discarded garbage and in-fighting between the dominant troop leaders Forbes soon discovered their devious plan. The "Unhhggoo" troop had become tired of being constantly oppressed by 'The Man.' They felt they deserved to take a step up in the biological chain. The quickest way for them to do this was to breed with genetically superior life-forms. So 12 years ago they began to search for 'Pffpbbbfooo' which roughly translates as 'The most genetically superior human.' It took a long time but it was only inevitable that they would end up at Forbes' window on that fateful eve one week ago.

Their plan was well thought out, but for one flaw. Forbes was not just physically genetically superior, but mentally genetically superior as well. Once Forbes realized their plan he quickly came up with a plan of his own. Assessing the risk-factors, mentally mapping out the terrian and using his decided advantage of lower-body-strength he began to run. And run he did right back to civilized society and his upgraded and secure Fort Floater blog.

Now that he's back in society, free from his captors he said he just wants to get back to being human again:

"Right now, I'm just enjoying doing the normal things: hugging my girlfriend, writing for the Floater Blog and most importantly, not throwing feces."
- Alastair Forbes, renowned Floater Blog Journalist

But Alastair brings back a strong message from the Gorilla community.

"My captors were never out to hurt me, they only wanted justice, and a piece of my bod. As they would say '[snort] Fbbbbb. Uooo. OOOaaaghAAffoo [slap's chest] hoff bbblllaaarrrrffoo.' Or 'You may kill us with bombs, but later we will hide and throw our poo at you. It will smell terrible.' "
- Alastair Forbes, renowned Floater Blog Journalist

Despite the joyous outcome to these events it certainly makes us all examine the poo thrower inside of us.

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Toronto, Ontario

GOP and the WWE team up for a distraction!

2006-03-25T12:00:00.000-05:00

"What you better talk about now."
- DJ K-Rove feat. The Con-Rice Con

"So you bored with life as you know it,
Thinkin bout things that could blow it,
Well guess what? [crowd responds] WHAT? STOP thinkin at all!
Cause we got sumpin thats GONNA BE A BALL!

[chorus]
GOP and the WWE,
They say fun, we say wheee!
GOP and WWE,
Don't think about stuff that don't concern me!

Someone said sumpin you don understand,
Sumpin bout someone takin a stand,
Well guess what? [crowd responds] WHAT? You call him a traitor!
Cause we got sumpin to think about THAT'S MUCH GREATER!

[chorus]"

That's the new song heard round the white house these days as the current GOP has teamed up with the WWE to give Americans something to talk about. The new collaboration came out of recent allegations made by Charlie Sheen regarding 9/11.

"Well I understand that Charlie has his point of view and that's fine but if the American people really want something to talk about they'll be talking about the ALL NEW WWE CONGRESSIONAL SMACKDOWN every wednesday night. It's gonna be some mud-slingin, no-good, dirty fightin. Also, there will be girls in bikinis! And anyone who watches is definitely not a traitor!"

- George W. Bush, POTUS

Bush with Hogan, Hart and Mysterio

The new single called 'What you better talk about now" will debut during the first airing of "WWE Congressional Smackdown." The actual event will air every Wednesday beginning in June and will feature a WWE superstar wrestling up to three members of congress with the lowest popularity rating. However, the President still retains his veto so we can expect to see mostly Democrats in the ring. White House Press secretary Scott Mclellan tells us more:

"The American people are bored with the usual type of politics. People are bored with the war in Iraq, they're bored with the President's cute habit of saying stupid things but most of all, they're bored with the word terror, we've just said it too many times. The President realized that we needed some kind of distraction for our plans to come to fruition and the WWE Congressional Smackdown is it.
- Scott Mclellan, White House Press Secretary

So Beer, Scantily Clad Women, and Wrestling seems to be the order of the day. This marks a major turning point in the current GOP's political strategy, focusing on a positive distraction as opposed to the usual distraction of a society of fear. Is the fear all gone? Certainly not.

"Oh no, [laughs] are you kidding? We are still using fear. We're just hoping to create a new type of fear such as... "oh no, will Ted Kennedy die if Hogan gives him the pile driver?" Or "Uh Oh, if the President veto's Rick Santorum's fight than we wont get to see Trish Stratus in her underwear."
- Scott Mclellan, White House Press Secretary

Will this be a successful distraction for the American people? Well the upcoming Congressional elections may be a good indication.

On a side note, Mysterio, pictured above, injured three of Bush's aides with his flying Tomahawk. 2 are in stable condition with a broken wrist and leg respectively and one is in intensive care being watched for post-concussive syndrome. When asked the President laughed and said "Woooee! I guess that's a taste of what's to come!"

The Bglogogog, reporting live on location, Washington D.C.

Catherine the Great and Ivan the Terrible still alive.

2006-03-22T12:56:00.000-05:00

The Floater Blog has uncovered some troubling yet fascinating news. Recent comments on this site by 'Catherine the Great' and 'Ivan the Terrible' led Floater Blog researchers (The Floaters) to investigate a Toronto area home. Upon breaking and entering The Floaters stumbled upon a scene of shock and awe as they managed to snap just one picture.

Ivan and Catherine with the Shovel Sisters

A group calling themselves the 'Shovel Sisters' has not only exhumed both Catherine the Great and Ivan the Terrible but they were harboring them as fugitives in their Toronto dwelling. After a short discussion the Sisters broke down and confessed all about their failed experiment with re-animation.

"It was a great idea. If we could reanimate Catherine the Great and Ivan the Terrible we would have the best of both types of leadership and could make a bid to take over the world. But it all went wrong, horribly wrong. During their re-unification process with modern times we discovered that Catherine the Great was not that great at all... she never cleans up after herself, she never actually cleans herself for that matter and she doesn't flush the toilet. And Ivan... oh... he is terrible... after you took that picture... we still haven't seen Aaron (The lost boy in the middle of the photo)."
- Robin Senior, gang leader, Shovel Sisters

Indeed it did go terribly wrong for the Shovel Sisters. If only they had had more control maybe Catherine and Ivan wouldn't have snuck onto the internet and posted on my blog. Maybe they both would not have fled the area, whereabouts unknown. And maybe, just maybe, we'd know where Aaron was.

On another note, the Floaters discovered that whoever posted a comment as 'Edward Longshanks' the long dead British Monarch is a fraud. Edward Longshanks is dead and gone and how dare you sully his name for your own humorous advances.

The Blooogerini, reporting live on location, Toronto, Ontario.

Hasselhoff moves in on Fault's girl!

2006-03-20T16:47:00.000-05:00

Last week, the successful Toronto band, Franklin's Fault, announced it's 'Hibernation concert'. New babies, band members moving to Europe and band members starting careers out of the city were the reasons given for the hiatus. However the Floater Blog investigative team have uncovered a whole other reason for the band's break... and it will shock you.

David Hasselhoff has moved in on Kate-Ann Vandemeer, the bands lead singer and convinced her to leave the band and come to Germany. The two are now planning a debut album together as the band "Vandesselhoff" and have already begun a publicity drive.

Vandesselhoff Publicity Photo

"I just love his music. It's funny how for so many years you think you've been doing something wrong and then you find something that feels so right."
- Kate Ann Vandemeer, lead singer, Franklin's Fault

The rest of the band was, obviously, shocked to hear this.

"What the *&^# are you talking about? That's bull$#@#. ... Oh my god... it's true isn't it. [begins to weep] I should have known... it's all my fault, isn't it? [sobs] It's all my fault."
- Frank Cipolla, Drummer, Franklin's Fault

While deceptive, it appears at least part of the band's press release was true. There is a band member moving to Europe, there is a band member pursuing a career in another city and as for the new baby? Well... only time, 9 months, will tell.

The blooger, reporting live on location, Munich, Germany with a final promo video from the man himself.

Whitehouserocks!tar Games presents GTA: America

2006-03-17T12:57:00.000-05:00

Whitehouserocks!tar games has released its first title with a bang. Grand Theft Auto: America hits shelves this spring and promises to be a best seller.

"This game is gonna revolutionize the world yo! All you kids out there gotta by this game cause it is the hip, dawg!"
- DJ K-rove, Whitehouserocks!tar games spokesperson

'The Dick' and his ho in Grand Theft Auto: America

The game is a first person shooter but unlike the other GTAs, GTA: America is all about strategy. You start the game as a gang member nicknamed 'The Dick'. You have just risen the ranks to Vice-Gman in your gang called 'The Elephant Assholes', which has just come to power over the big hood. Now here's where it gets challenging, the gang leader is mildly retarded.

You must use your serpent-like influence over the leader to score points in 3 main areas:
1) How much money you make from the poor folks in the hood
2) How much money you make from poor folks in other hoods
3) Finally how much money you can peronally steal from 'The Elephant Assholes' and, indirectly, all the poor folks. All without getting caught.

"It's all about strategy. You gotta make money.. but how? You can cheat the poor folks in the hood outta money, you can scare the money outta the poor folks, you can lie about starting a gang war and get money outta your poor folks AND somebody else's poor folks, you can stab your friends in the back or you can shoot them in the face... whatever you need to do to get money. Gee!"
- DJ K-Rove, Whitehouserocks!tar games spokesperson

There are a number of hurdles on the way though: your semi-retarded leader can get out of line and say something stupid... or a lot of stupid things, you might discover you have a lesbian daughter when you've said yourself that 'it's gay to be gay, yo,' you might sell one of your lowly gang members out to the police cause he pissed you off, then have to have your best g-man lie about it to save you some jail time, you might use a gang war as an excuse to start selling your drugs in another territory and then get caught doing it, etc. etc.

Clearly this is a game for the GTA thinkers. Some say it's a cheap ploy by the usually 'rich white adult' oriented Whitehouserocks!tar games to garner some of the coveted younger market. Time will tell if it's a ploy that works.

With special thanks to Kris Poon and Kate Ann Vandapapsmear for helping to break the story,

This is the Blogastair, reporting live on location, Washington D.C.

Gillete introduces new razor: 'Fusiocotolopugus'

2006-03-14T14:51:00.000-05:00

Gillete has introduced plans to publish the announcement of a proclamation to reveal the future of shaving: 'The Fusioctolopugus.' With a whopping 19 blades Gillete's new razor promises to eradicate hair upon contact with the 'Fusioctolopugus.' (Pronounced Fue-zhoc-oh-tall-awpahgus)

"We were really hoping to create a razor that would change the way people live. I believe our new 'Fusioctolopugus' has done that. With 3 blades we changed the concept of shaving, with 5 blades we changed the whole face of shaving, now with 19 blades we are changing the world."
- Gillette CEO James M. Kilts

Gillete has released test results from this new 'energy enhancing shaving device' which indicate that the 'Fusioctolopugus' is 12 times better than the leading competitor at leaving you with a smooth face. It is 17 times more likely to make you a better man and 150 times more likely to make you a sexier person.

"Yes, obviously with this type of a high performance product there are going to be some sexual benefits. But we are really trying to downplay those. We feel the product can stand on it's own merit and we don't need sex to sell this 'high-performance sex delivery vehicle' and I think you will see our publicity reflects that."
- Gillette CEO James M. Kilts

The new 'Fusioctolopugus'

One spokesman for the Gillette Company remarked that he had just tried the 'Fusiocotolopugus' for the first time, when he accidentally slept with 63 women over the next 48 hours. Further tests by Gillette revealed there may be a link between using this 'member endowment tool' and becoming a better athlete. Furthermore, Gillette scientists have discovered that by using the 'Fusioctolopugus' you are 10 times less likely to contract cancer and you're 25 times more likely to own a yacht.

"We found that the type of people who are likely to use this 'Cottage real-estate facilitator' are generally more successful and happy with themselves. Gillette analyzed a cross-section of people who will not use this product and found those type of people to have a tendency toward raping or baby killing. So it seems a pretty obvious choice... are you a successful and happy person or are you not going to buy this razor because you're a rapist?"
-Gillette CEO James M. Kilts

How much of this is hype? How much of this is fact? Only time will tell, but I'll tell you one thing... this Floater Blog journalist is going to buy a 'Fusioctolopugus'... because he's not a rapist.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Boston, Massachusetts.

Albertan University Professor leaves job to become a character in comic strip 'Cathy'

2006-03-10T15:20:00.000-05:00

Nick Hanson, Drama Professor at the University of Lethbridge, has decided to leave his job to become a character in the somewhat popular cartoon strip 'Cathy'.

"I love Cathy. I've always loved Cathy and we will finally be together now. I've been waiting my whole life for this."
- Nicholas Hanson, Professor U. Lethbridge

A few months ago Hanson put together his life's work and made a proposal to the producers of the kind-of-well-known Cathy cartoon. His proposal: To become a character in the cartoon, but not like you'd expect.

"No, the idea is not for me to become a character in Cathy's story, but rather a character that comments on Cathy's story. That way the experience for the reader will be enhanced as my comments will act as a guide for the reader who isn't as knowledegable with the Cathy universe as I am. [giggles]"
- Nicholas Hanson, Professor U. Lethbridge

Prof. Hanson spices up 'The New Cathy' (click on photo for larger image)

The new Cathy series will be entitled 'The New Cathy' and will begin syndication immediately. Hanson hopes the series will gain a new found respect after his comments are added.

When asked, his students seemed to feel this was a good choice for the professor:

"Are you serious? He's actually going to be in the cartoon? That is so pathetic. Well at least I won't be paying for his stupid class anymore... how can you learn drama if you're just re-enacting Cathy cartoons all the time? He won't even let us make up our own Cathy cartoons, says we'll sully her good name. That is such bulls***."
- Anonymous student at University of Lethbridge

Hanson says he is sad to leave an environment where he is so well-liked but hopes he will find greener pastures and millions of adoring middle-aged women fans like himself.

The Bloooogeeeerrr, reporting on location, Lethbridge, Alberta

Loch Ness discovered to be an evil ploy by Dick Cheney!

2006-03-08T15:50:00.000-05:00

In a shocking discovery, journalists at the Floater Blog have uncovered evidence that the famed Loch Ness Monster is in fact a Monster Truck. Shocked and outraged citizens of Fort Augustus are furious at having been Dick Cheney’s patsy for so long. Shown below is a picture of the famed Loch Ness Monster photo:

Famed Loch Ness Monster Photo taken 1948

Recent breakthroughs in computer research discovery technology have allowed the journalists here at the Floater Blog to make a researched discovery and uncover a devious ploy. By zooming in on the above picture we discovered that what appears to be 'humps' in the original photo are actually parts of a Monster Truck called 'The Loch Ness Monster.. truck."

Close-up of 'humps' reveals Monster Truck

Further delving into the technical detective universe we researched a discovery called 'Google' and using this unparalleled technology we managed to locate the perpetrator:

Dick Cheney posing with his small 'Loch Ness Monster...Truck'

Cheney himself immediately caved upon being presented with this overwhelming evidence:

“I was just trying to create an element of fear in the surrounding towns. I was running for Lairdship and needed a way to control the masses, but it back-fired [begins to sob uncontrollably] they… they all laughed at it… they thought it was some hokey joke. Even now… tourists go to see my ‘scary monster.’ [Suddenly becomes very serious and looks right at interviewer] But I got my revenge... didn’t I? I got my revenge! DIDN’T I? SAY IT! SAY ‘I GOT MY REVENGE’ [slaps reporter in the mouth, who is then removed from the premises by secret service].”
-Dick Cheney, VP of the United States

Cheney later admitted that it was on his long forays driving through Loch Ness that he first came up with the plan to shoot his friend in the face.

These unfortunate allegations are appearing just days after the President met with success when he won the ‘Best Douchebag’ award at the Oscars. Needless to say the spin machine is in full affect as the White House tries to deflect blame away from their man, deciding to go with the story of an Elephant as the most convincing cover-up.

Reporting live from Washington with a split lip, The Bloogerbloog

George W. Bush wins 'Best Douchebag' at the Oscars.

2006-03-06T11:13:00.000-05:00

In a not so surprising surprise, George W. Bush won the 'Best Douchebag' category at the Oscars for the sixth year in a row. This is his seventh 'Best Douchebag' award (1972-73 for deserting the Air National Guard and being a general douchebag).

Many thought this was the year that George would lose the award as the competition was fierce. Dick Cheney was nominated and in strong contention after shooting his friend in the face and then lying about it. And that was on top of his usual, always strong, douchebaggery. The final nominee was Barbara Bush. Having married a douchebag and raised another douchebag many thought she would win it with her strong douchebag values that she has helped to instill in her family of douchebags.

George W. Bush - Winner 'Best Douchebag'
(click on picture for larger image)

But the Academy is a traditional beast and true to form they felt that this year George W. Bush 'most exemplified the qualities and physical attributes of a douchebag.' And who could argue with that? From secret prisons across Eastern European nations, videotapes proving he lied about the government's knowledge of Hurricane Katrina, having one of his staffers indicted for covering up evidence of lying about the war in Iraq, having a worldwide poll verify America's tanked reputation, being caught unconstitutionally wire-tapping millions of Americans, working up a 7 trillion dollar debt and, of course, being short and very douchebag-like.

Congratulations George you douchebag, on another 'Best Douchebag' year!

The Bolologger

Crazed Canadian climbs Big Ben, causes Billions in damages.

2006-03-02T12:17:00.000-05:00

The first day of March always brings in a few surprises but few thought they would ever witness something like this in their lifetime. A Canadian man, Graeme Stewart has climbed Big Ben (yes, the Big Ben in London England) causing over two hundred thousand pounds worth of damage to the clock itself and billions to investors in the London Stock Exchange.

At 2pm local time Graeme Stewart ascended the face of Big Ben, unnoticed and perched atop the hour hand of the famous clock. His weight, which can only be described as extraordinary, forced the hour hand forward and in a span of 15 minutes the distinguished donger was 2 and half hours fast.

Crazed Stewart perching atop Big Ben

If the damage to the clock was the only consequence, this episode would probably seem more funny than alarming. But sadly, all of London sets their time by Big Ben including the renowned London Stock Exchange, which on March 1st closed a full hour and 45 minutes early due to a 'malfunctioning clock.' The last hour and a half of trading is typically the busiest time with over a billion and half pounds moved in that period. A staggering amount of pounds to lay stagnant because of a crazed clock climber.

Further damage was done to London's Public Hydro industry as the entire city turned out their lights a full two hours and fifteen minutes early costing the government millions in unearned revenue. Prime Minister Blair was quoted as saying:

"That daft bugger, I should take my torch and club him into the jam sandwich myself. Once he's winkin in the clink like a dog-end he'll be using a zimmer by the time we're done with 'im"
- Prime Minister Tony Blair

The Prime Minister couldn't be reached for further comment as he went to bed early.

Perhaps the strangest part of this strange affair is why the culprit was clad only in a bathing suit, flip flops and girly bandana. When asked, as he was being led away by the bobbies, Stewart replied "I sweat a lot." And the towel? "To wipe the sweat from my eyes and hands." Well at least he thought that far ahead.

The Blooogerblogger, reporting on location, London, England.

Canadian Streaker being sued by Great Britain Curling Team

2006-02-27T16:27:00.000-05:00

In a shocking blow to the Canadian Gold medal curling team, the IOC is considering revoking their medal for an incident that occurred during the bronze medal match-up between Great Britain and the United States. Kristian Bruun, pictured here, was the Canadian streaker responsible for the disruption.

Bruun streaking at the Olympic Curling rink.

Great Britain's curling team is demanding an investigation:

"I am confident the outcome of the match would have been different were it not for the distracting Canadian. He purposely ran as close as he could to our team and not the Americans."
- British Skip David Murdoch

His thoughts were echoed by his teammate:

"I still can't figure out how he did it, but he managed to flick his pelvis in such a way that just as he passed us we caught a glimpse of what was underneath that rubber chicken... a painted tiny Canadian Flag. And let me tell you, it was very tiny. I haven't slept a wink since witnessing that atrocity."
- British Curler Ewan MacDonald

The IOC has begun an investigation into the tiny Canadian flag. In a recent press release they said:

"We have discovered evidence of a very small, slightly mutated Canadian flag. Evidence suggests it was barely recognizable as a 'flag' and certainly not functional. If it were functional, we can feel nothing but pity for the 'flag' bearer."
- IOC President Jacques Rogge

Great Britain is seeking millions in lost endorsements and mental trauma. The IOC is so disgusted they are thinking of either pulling Canada's curling medal or banning Canadians from competing in the next Winter Olympics altogether.

The Blogastair, reporting on location, Turino Italy.

Steve Jobs sends strong message to RIAA

2006-02-25T13:04:00.000-05:00

RIAA claims copying CD's to IPODS unlawful.

In a rather shocking turn of events the RIAA has submitted a filing as part of the Digital Millennium copyrights act that states that they have never given permission for people to copy their cd's and then put them onto an MP3 player (ipods etc) and therefore it is unlawful.

This of course, threatens the sales of the enormously successful ipod. Apple immediately organized a press conference and sent a strong message to the RIAA:

Steve Jobs at the press conference.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs presided over the press conference and took a strong stance on the issue. Steve said:

"Those f***ing ***ts think they can post some bulls*** paper that f***s with my s***? Well I have a f***ing message for them. You have no f***ing idea who you are f***ing with. I am going to tear your b***s off and shove them up your a*****e, you tainty motherf***ers."
- Steve Jobs on the RIAA

When asked if he was hiding behind euphemisms and political rhetoric Steve replied:

"[slaps reportor in the face] F*** you b****! Don't you dare f***ing talk to me ever again. [spits on reporter]"
- Steve Jobs on the reporter asking him about the RIAA

What can be extracted from all of this? Well, it appears the consumer can rest well as Apple has a firm stance on consumer rights and is prepared to fight for it's user-friendly product. Also, it appears Steve Jobs has an anger management problem, possibly suffering from psychosis.*

The Bloggerbogger

*the preceeding article may or may not be true*

*alright, it's not true. Except for the part about the RIAA trying to screw us again.

Kojak

2006-02-23T12:56:00.000-05:00

Robin posted an interesting comment about the last post, signing off with "Suck on that, Kojak!" This is an interesting development in our relationship. I had assumed for years that Kojak was a sensitive subject with Robin as he was a part of the first failed pilot of the TV show as Kojak's sidekick 'Flobbin.' In fact one review of the pilot said:

"...Kojak is a tour de force Detective show completely and utterly ruined by the quirky windbag of a sidekick 'Flobbin.' Also, a very dumb name for any character, let alone a sidekick." - Jimmy Hausmon, NY Times August 12th, 1973.

Kojak's failed first pilot.

The show miraculously recovered and went on to great success, albeit without 'Flobbin.' But to my friend Robin, whom I had always assumed was sensitive about almost single-handedly ruining one of television's great cop shows, good on you for keepin perspective! Keep on fightin the good fight!

The Bloggggggggggger

Another great friend.

2006-02-20T12:04:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone.
I have something serious to talk about. Recently I was talking to my friend Aaron about my blog. He made a bit of a joke about not wanting to post a comment. He said it was because only two people had commented on the blog (one of them being myself) and if he were to comment on that fact, it would only make him part of the very small circle of people (possibly two) reading my blog. Well I thought about what he had said some more and I realized that he brings up a good point. There probably are very few people reading this blog and I'm not sure I'd want to comment either. Also, Aaron's a smart guy and has a great job in the entertainment industry and he knows what he is talking about. In case you aren't one of the two people who usually read this blog, I've posted a picture of Aaron at work.

Aaron working hard!

So, on the off chance that more than two people read this blog, I'd love to hear your comments about this subject. Otherwise, Aaron, it would appear you are right again!

The Blblbl og.

Friends say thank you.

2006-02-17T11:49:00.000-05:00

I have a good friend. His name is Hyung. He is a great guy, we hang out a lot and he's there for me if I need him. Yesterday I was having some trouble with changing the new header on my blog and Hyung sat down with me for HOURS and helped me figure it out. He is a true gentleman. I don't know how else to repay such a great friend but to mention him here on my blog. For those of you who don't know Hyung I've posted a picture of him recently in a park.

Hyung playing in the park.

So don't let anyone say I'm not a good friend! I give credit where credit is due. And if you see Hyung on the street, say hello and tell him he's a great guy.

The Friend you always wish you had,

Blogastair

The Valentine's Day Question

2006-02-15T14:24:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day. You either hate it or sort of, kind of enjoy it. I'm for the latter right now because I have someone to share it with. (Yes, sadly it's true, I am taken Ladies. And Yes, it's true, she does look like a supermodel Guys.) But of course, talking about Valentine's day always brings up the inevitable question.

Which species, other than human, celebrates Valentine's day the best?

The answer. Simple:

Rabbits.

Here's why: Everyday is Valentine's Day to Rabbits as everyday is marked by a significant amount of humping. You might be thinking "If everyday is Valentine's Day then they aren't celebrating the special day." Well you're right, but I would argue, that their everyday humping is better than any other species Valentine's Day humping.

You think you know a species that humps more? I would like to hear it.

The Blogalablob

An actual Invisibility Cloak!

2006-02-13T12:02:00.000-05:00

See it here!

A Russian inventor has patented an 'invisibility cloak.' This of course, begs the age old question:

How many problems will I have with women spying on me with an invisibility cloak?

The answer: Many. Too many? Probably. Would I like it? No. Would I understand it? Yes.

I am a modest man, which has helped me through many troubled times. And it has helped me to understand that being an incredibly attractive man has its drawbacks sometimes. But there's only so much one man can do. For those of you who don't know me, well... here is a picture of me at the beach from a couple years ago. Of course the paparazzi put me on the front of another magazine. The other two are just a part of my usual 'hangers on' followers.

Here's me hangin out at the beach.

Anyhoo. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm disappointed with this technological development, I have enough women trying to get a peek at the ol’ bod but I will carry on. With your help of course:

Please send 5 dollars to P.O. Box 447 Toronto, ON M5R 2R8

kick it!

The Blogblob

The Olympics in Torino

2006-02-09T11:42:00.000-05:00

As many of you should know, the XXVBSITQ Olympic Games officially open on Friday February 9th. These games represent the pinnacle of success for those athletes that nobody cares about for 3 years and 340 days. But for two short weeks in the snow covered hills of Turino Italy, the best of the world's figure skaters, ski jumpers, biatholoners and of course skelotoners will all be in the same place at the same time. A protein supplement's company's wet dream.

It's at this time in the Olympic process that we all take a deep look inside ourselves and ask "If I were forced to compete in one event at the Olympics, which event would cause me the most bodily harm?"

Good question. Let's discuss.

1. Ski Jumping. The popular choice. Many people are not avid skiers and thus, would probably not even make it down the 38 degree ramp. Well they would make it down the ramp but not on skis. The best case scenario: You fall about 4 or 5 meters down the ramp, break your hand while breaking your fall on the ramp, your useless hand twitches uselessly as you fall over the side, head first into one of the many support beams breaking your neck. Your legs shatter on impact with the icy mountainside and you slide down the mountain under the ramp, bouncing off the ramp supports like so many puppies in a wind tunnel. The look on your face as your reading this now should tell you why so many people pick Ski Jumping as their number one choice.

2. Freestyle Skiing (Aerials). Similar to Ski Jumping but with this one there is an out. Again, assuming you're not much of a skier. It is again likely that you might not make it standing to the aerial jump. In which case the Best Case scenario involves a plethora of broken ribs and a severe concussion as you slam into the wall of snow erected to help you take flight. If you are an avid skier (as I am) this one becomes a bit more dangerous. Unlike Ski Jumping where the emphasis is on horizontal flight, the emphasis is on height here. So while I rest assured that I could manage to propel myself quite well off the aerial jump, my experience landing jumps from forty feet in the air is minimal at best. Best Case Scenario: Entire body shatters on impact with the ground, helmet saves you from death. No ramp supports to slow down your descent means a less severe, albeit not less painful, injury.

3. Skeleton. Head first, icy half tunnel, speeds in excess of 130 kilometers an hour... need I say more? Well, yes. First off, we would be forced to compete but that doesn't mean we would compete well. I doubt any of us would get near the 130 kilometer speed mark. However going even 60 k is enough to scrape the skin off my face (thank goodness for that face shield). There is some debate as to whether or not falling off the sled (which would most likely be inevitable) would cause serious injury. There would be pain, oh yes, there would be pain, but how much? The key question is whether or not the impact would involve rolling or not. Comments are welcome.

4. Ice Hockey. My personal favorite. Here's why. So you're forced to play on a team even thought you can't play hockey (Let's say Team Canada). The team has to play you, unless you couldn't play. Here's my thinking is your team knows you can't play and would, thus, rather you couldn't play. I'm thinking an open ice pass right up the middle to slow skatin little ol' you. Now the other team, (really doesn't matter who you are playing against at that level) sees an open ice hit, their going to take it. I am quite confident that if I took and open ice hit a lo Chris Chelios or heck even Daniel Sedin, it would mean close to certain death for me.

Well that's it, there are more sports, comments are welcome... this is a debate that will be brought up every 2 years when the Olympics come so might as well get your say in, you're gonna say it anyways.

The Bloggog.

MPAA stole the cookies from the cookie jar.

2006-02-03T15:07:00.000-05:00

The MPAA has been accused of DVD piracy.

http://www.vnunet.com/vnunet/news/2149223/mpaa-accused-piracy

This is great. Another "it's ok for me but it's definitely not ok for you" scenario. Kind of like the "it's ok for me to put you in secret prisons all over sketchy eastern European Countries and not tell anyone about it, but it's not ok for you not to tell me what your phone numbers are, your credit rating, who your friends are, your criminal record, your purchase patterns, who your employers have been, what schools you attended, how many times you have been out of the country, how many times you drive your car through a toll booth, how much you spend on heating and electricity, how much water you use, and by association, when you flush your toilet, and finally, every other record we have of you" scenario. But I digress. (For more on this topic though please see this article and many others like it here.)

This is about the giant double standard the movie and recording industry pushes upon us with their 'woe is us, our sales are going down because of immoral people stealing.' You know I have a friend (I don't really know him but I feel like we could be friends) who spoke to me (in a movie theatre) about stealing (Piracy, big difference). He told me he loved his job and works very hard at being a special effects technician for the movies (paid commercial actor). But he taught me an important lesson (screaming 'BULLSHIT' in the theatre really loud gets you kicked out) that whether you steal a candy bar or download a movie your only hurting the little guy (such as billionaire George Lucas), and what's more, it's wrong and immoral.

Wow, the MPAA and the RIAA have sunk to a new transparent low... accusing their purchasers of being immoral, they of course stand on the high ground. 'But wait,' you say, 'what does the RIAA have to do with all of this, they didn't pirate DVD's.' No, Sally, you're right, they've only been convicted of 'Price Fixing.' Another friend taught me that Price Fixing is the same as stealing a candy bar, instead your stealing millions of candy bars from millions of consumers. But at least they make amends for it right? Read this to find out how they made amends by donating thousands of unwanted and duplicate cds to libraries across the U.S.

Alright, that's enough for today.

Keep er real.

The Bloggiwoggster.

Luigi VS Jesus

2006-01-30T11:42:00.000-05:00

Catholic Church must prove Jesus Existed.

That's right, an italian atheist is taking his schoolfriend and town priest to court because the priest published in the church bulletin that Jesus existed. The priest now has to go on the stand and prove that Jesus Christ was an actual person.

All I am saying about this one is if O.J. can buy justice than the Roman Catholic Church could buy all the justice in the world, make it dress up in a diaper and sing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" while crapping over everyone who listens. If this sounds absurd, well, don't worry I've created an artist's sketch to approximate the event which should help with visualization:

There, if that's not clear then I don't know what it is... wait, I do. It's Stephen Harper ending all of his stump speeches running up to the election with "God Bless You and God Bless Canada." The scary difference between Harper and Bush is that Harper means it.

God Bless You Readers and God Bless Canada.

The Bloginator.

The First Post On Election Day

2006-01-23T12:35:00.000-05:00

Hey hey, what can we say, it's election day.
Martin's a Mess,
Duceppe's still less,
And Harper's a F***ING PSYCHO!

Well I've decided to kick it off with a bang here at the floater blog with a limerick. Let's be honest, readers, and admit that this limerick is about as big as a bang as you could get. P.S. my mom might read this so I put those asterisks in for you mom! Also P.S. P.S. is supposed to go at the end, but IM DOIN IT AT THE TOP BABY! CAUSE THAT'S HOW WE ROLL ON THIS BLOG!!!

So Tony Ianno (The liberal incumbent in my riding) has been accused of setting up a trust fund to recieve political donations. "That means anonymous donors have been able to give Ianno unlimited quantities of money under the table." (http://www.torontoist.com/archives/2006/01/scandal_ianno_r.php)
Now, I'm not about to make libelous accusations without any cold hard evidence, so I won't say he's guilty but I will say he's shmuilty and that rhymes with guilty so you can draw your own conclusions from that. Anyhoo, none of the other candidates have been accused of corruption. So they have that going for them. Chow's gonna win. That's my prediction and so far I'm shooting 100 percent on my online election predictions for 2006.

Finally I leave you with this...

The love of my life, B.C. (behind a few select people of course).

That's it!

The Blogastair.