Gillete has introduced plans to publish the announcement of a proclamation to reveal the future of shaving: 'The Fusioctolopugus.' With a whopping 19 blades Gillete's new razor promises to eradicate hair upon contact with the 'Fusioctolopugus.' (Pronounced Fue-zhoc-oh-tall-awpahgus)
"We were really hoping to create a razor that would change the way people live. I believe our new 'Fusioctolopugus' has done that. With 3 blades we changed the concept of shaving, with 5 blades we changed the whole face of shaving, now with 19 blades we are changing the world."
- Gillette CEO James M. Kilts
Gillete has released test results from this new 'energy enhancing shaving device' which indicate that the 'Fusioctolopugus' is 12 times better than the leading competitor at leaving you with a smooth face. It is 17 times more likely to make you a better man and 150 times more likely to make you a sexier person.
"Yes, obviously with this type of a high performance product there are going to be some sexual benefits. But we are really trying to downplay those. We feel the product can stand on it's own merit and we don't need sex to sell this 'high-performance sex delivery vehicle' and I think you will see our publicity reflects that."
- Gillette CEO James M. Kilts
One spokesman for the Gillette Company remarked that he had just tried the 'Fusiocotolopugus' for the first time, when he accidentally slept with 63 women over the next 48 hours. Further tests by Gillette revealed there may be a link between using this 'member endowment tool' and becoming a better athlete. Furthermore, Gillette scientists have discovered that by using the 'Fusioctolopugus' you are 10 times less likely to contract cancer and you're 25 times more likely to own a yacht.
"We found that the type of people who are likely to use this 'Cottage real-estate facilitator' are generally more successful and happy with themselves. Gillette analyzed a cross-section of people who will not use this product and found those type of people to have a tendency toward raping or baby killing. So it seems a pretty obvious choice... are you a successful and happy person or are you not going to buy this razor because you're a rapist?"
-Gillette CEO James M. Kilts
How much of this is hype? How much of this is fact? Only time will tell, but I'll tell you one thing... this Floater Blog journalist is going to buy a 'Fusioctolopugus'... because he's not a rapist.
-The Blogastair, reporting live on location,
22 comments:
Your about 50 times more likely to mistake the name for "SNUFFLEUPAGUS". Someone needs to speak with Jimmy's Director of Marketing.
I believe that Schick is now coming out with their new Schick Duodetrigintatrius...I believe that's twenty-eight (28) blades, nine of which shoot out at various times to make shaving both fun AND dangerous. Plus, after you've stopped the bleeding and marvelled at the vegetable you've diced, you can toss it away...(from behind considerable cover).
My god asian sheep... I feel shamed... and to think I spent 4 days researching a paltry 19 blade razor that turns you into not a rapist.
Shooting razors... [tips his hat to you sir]
Props to asian sheep. I smell a trilogy!
is that the one that emits 'gasmo rays when equipped with batteries, for a fun, dangerous and exciting shave?
i hear it has a good grip
Yes... that's totally the one! Apparently the batteries for it are illegal in the middle east.
Has anyone looked at the edge of various maker’s blades under a 10 power magnifying glass, or, better yet, a microscope, to see if they can see a difference in the blade edges?
I looked at a Schick and a Merkur under a 10X glass. The Merkur has a rough edge. The Schick has a much smoother edge.
I checked this out after using one of each blade. The Schick gave me 25 good shaves before it started pulling,
The Merkur blade gave me a worse (it pulled more) shave on the first shave than the Schick did after 25 shaves.
I used to get 60 good shaves out of the Gillette Blue Blade. Now I am doing good to get 30 out of stainless steel, platinum, etc.
Seems the blade makers are just not putting as good of an edge on their blades just so they will get duller faster.
I have not tried the Feather Blades yet, but have ordered some, as they have a reputation for sharpness.
A person should be able to tell just how long, comparatively, a blade will last just by looking at its edge under a microscope.
The whole thing seems to be a "sting" operation though, as sharp blades could go out for weeks and then start sending out less sharp ones.
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