Ontario anounces 46 Billion to be spent on Nuclear power, Giant Cat to be put down.

Dalton McGuinty held an eventful press conference at the Tiverton, Ontario Bruce Power Plant. He announced plans for the Ontario government to spend 46 billion dollars rebuilding up to three nuclear plants.

Environmentalists balk at this idea because of the nuclear waste they produce and the safety hazards they pose.

McGuinty stands firm on his decision though and assures the public there is "nothing wrong with our nuclear program."

Dalton addressing reporters while a Giant Cat lurks in the background.

Reporters immediately questioned him on this statement as there was a monstrous 22 foot tall tabby cat lurking in the background throughout the entire press conference.

"Yes, in this area there have been sightings of animals growing to unusual sizes but I don't see how this has any relation to our Nuclear program. We are here to discuss the benefits of a sustainable energy source, not some mutant animals."
- Dalton McGuinty, Premier of Ontario

The rest of the press conference was cut short as most reporters left to watch as the Giant Cat single-handedly pulled four 500 pound Tuna from Lake Huron. An amazing feat if for no other reason than it being the first time Tuna have been found in freshwater.

Afterwards, McGuinty promised to 'have the giant cat put down' promising that future discussions of the Province's energy crisis would not be distracted by these Giant Beasts.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Bruce Power Plant, Tiverton, Ontario

Rejoice!

The world rejoices today. In a celebration the likes the world has seen only twenty five such times before, Alastair Forbes will be anointed twenty six today. In a four hour morning ceremony, 193 heads of State will pay homage to Alastair and his family. Ceasefires have been declared the world over and all Religions but for one have declared today as a day to worship Alastair, not their respective deities. Buddhism made no such declaration as Alastair is already considered their deity having achieved Nirvana on his tenth birthday.

A Castle was built to mark the occasion and a private dinner party will be held with a little over 2000 people attending. The Castle is a gift from the world's Mammals, represented by just over 5000 heads of species. Last year the floating Palace was donated by the Birds of the world and the Amphibians are looking forward to their plans for a semi-submerged Chateau next year. Angels came down from the Heavens to give thanks for Alastair including the Michelangelo angel who painted this representation of the Celebration to happen tonight:

We Loveth Thee, Alastair, We Loveth Thee, by Michelangelo

In a time when there is so much strife and conflict in the world, it is refreshing to see the World unite in their genuflection towards Alastair. He has done so much and asks for so little in return, it's the least the World can do. Michelangelo was right, We Loveth Thee, Alastair... We Loveth Thee.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, The Forbes Castle, Paradise Island, International Waters

Bush: The Environment is hurting our economy

The American government has a new war to fight… the fight against the Environment.

“I have been watching this trend closely grow… over the years I have been Mr. President. Now a new enemy has come to fight us even so… while we are still fighting Terrorism. Well let’s call a spade a tar baby and Environment you are a terrorist.”
- George W. Bush, POTUS

A Presidential spokesperson assured us that the President meant to say there has been a growing trend of the Environment encroaching upon the American economy, which puts the American way of life at risk. The White House then released a simulated photo of the encroaching Environment and warned citizens to take every precaution when encountering the Environment.

The 'Environment' attacks an Ohio town.

Ralph Nader, two time Presidential Candidate respectfully disagrees:

"It's absurd. The picture is clearly a poorly doctored photo of an enlarged caterpillar, which by the way are herbivores. This Administration has consistently misled the American people and this has got to be the last straw.... I mean the Environment isn't an object or a monster... it's our world... nature!"
- Ralph Nader, two-time Presidential candidate

Nader, however, has proven himself a hysterical fearmonger with his take on this issue and the President has assured the public he is part of an ongoing Terror investigation. In the meantime, Americans can rest assured that the war on the Environment is already underway. Generous companies like Shell, Monsanto and IBP have already donated funds and manpower towards destroying the enemy.

"We're working very hard to destroy as much of the Environment as possible. But so far we've only won a few battles we're a long way from winning the war. All I ask is that Americans support us in any way they can. Drive aimlessly, throw away styrofoam containers, start brush fires, eat only processed foods and burn your rubber tires. Every little bit counts."
- John Hofmeister, President of Shell Oil Company

We here at the Floater Blog have already made a donation to 'Drill Alaska', so now the question is what will you do?

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washington D.C.

Frat Boys duped: 'Indiana is nothing like India!'

An unfortunate set of circumstances has ruined an otherwise 'awesome summer road trip.' Jeremy Talman and Don Nedlan had spent a year planning a month-long backpacking trip to their favorite country India. However, things took a terrible turn for the worse:

"Ya, I'm really bummed out. We had this awesome trip planned but it was harsh on our budget. And when we saw this flyer advertising tickets to Indiana that were WAY cheaper than our tickets to India and we were like 'right on!'... but it turns out Indiana is nothing like India."
- Jeremy Talman, Sophomore, Alabama State University

Jeremy and Don in front of the Soldiers and Sailors Monument.

Their mistake was exacerbated as Jeremy and Don only brought 12 American dollars with them as the rest of their money was tied up in 46,000 rupees.

"Ya what really sucked about the trip for me is that there were no Indian hotties. Sure we saw some regulation hotties, but they weren't exotic or nothin... and the curry sucked."
- Don Nedlan, Junior, Alabama State University

The question remains... is Indiana taking advantage of India's popularity as a travel destination? With ads like "Come to Indiana and try our Curry" one would say yes. However, Lt. Governor Becky Skillman disagrees:

"I don't see how that is misrepresenting us, we have some curry here in our state and we encourage people to try it. Come for the curry, stay for roads. That's what I say. We've got lots of roads and most of them are paved."
- Becky Skillman, Lt. Governor of the State of Indiana

Hopefully the plight of Jeremy and Don will give light to one of the many hazards of international travel.

-The Blogertair, reporting live on location, one of the many, many roads, Indianapolis, Indiana

Canadian Lawyer Sues Herself. Sets Precedent.

A precedent setting case is currently underway in Toronto, Ontario as a Canadian lawyer is suing herself... for copyright infringement.

"I was double checking a brief I had handed in to the courts in the morning when I realized that I had copied a great deal of the brief directly from a paper I had written in my final year of Law School. So I did the right thing and sued for copyright infringement."
- Elisabeth 'Lis' Patrick, Lawyer for WeirFoulds L.L.P.

The high profile of the case has sparked controversy and some high-profile comments:

"I think Lis has done the right thing. She is a great example for Lawyers in our country. No deed, whether it be good, bad, sensational or banal, should be exempt from being tested in a court of law."
- The Hon. Beverly Mclaughlin, Cheif Justice of Canada

The precedent setting case of Patrick V. Patrick

Patrick is suing Patrick for $162,000 dollars in damages claiming 'loss of revenue' and 'damage to my reputation'.

"If I let this go, people may associate my work with this sub-par material and my professional reputation could be affected. Yes, It is a risk. I am liable to lose my apartment but on the up side I would gain enough money to rent it back."
- Elisabeth 'Lis' Patrick, Lawyer for WeirFoulds L.L.P.

The case is currently in its third month before the courts and has cost taxpayers an estimated $67,000 dollars so far, prompting some to question the merit of the whole trial.

Further doubts have overshadowed the case when Prosecutorial Patrick began drinking in the courtroom, often stumbling out at the end of the day visibly intoxicated. (See Above Photo of Patrick holding a glass of wine). Not to be outdone, the Defense Patrick has attempted to bribe the judge sixteen times now, with a progressively larger bribe each time. The last one being 94 dollars and a dinner date. (See above photo of Patrick reaching into her wallet)

A waste of time and the taxpayer's money? Probably. But it's a surefire way to double your money by betting on Patrick to win.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Superior Court of Justice, Toronto, Ontario.

New Study: Dogs actually are smarter than cats.

The verdict is finally in: dogs actually are smarter than cats. A new study conducted by The Center for the Integrative Study of Animal Behavior revealed today that in basic cognitive functions most species of dogs far outperformed their cat counterparts.

The three basic tests were:

1. Write an essay on a topic of your choice.
2. Answer 10 skill testing questions.
3. Follow a map to pass through a maze.

"It really was no contest from the outset. I'm not sure why this hasn't been studied before but there never was a doubt in my mind."
- Dr. Spot, Author of 'See Spot introduce his quantum theory on astrally affected socio-behaviours of your pet', and one of the dogs participating in the study.

Dr. Spot, Author and Study Particiapant.

It would take far too long to examine all the test results in detail but to give a good idea , some of the essay topics turned in by the dogs include 'Indentured Service or Symbiotic Servitude: A comparative Study of Dogs and their Masters' (written by a Border Collie named Tiffany) and 'Let's Go for a Walk: A dog's observations of mid-western Botanical Biodiversity in Colorado' (written by a Pug named Rexington).
Most dogs scored a perfect 10 out of 10 on the skill testing questions and a whopping 92% used the map correctly to find their way through the maze. The remaining 8% only didn't make it because they had co-ordinated a plan to meet at a secret location inside the maze where they designed an elaborate prank for one of the testers involving 2 pulley systems, a fulcrum and 12 cream pies .

The Cats on the other hand faired very poorly in all 3 contests. There was not a single intelligible essay handed in. Most papers did not in fact resemble their namesake as they generally consisted of shredded paper, fur and fecal matter.
The Cats fared even worse in the trivia section with a full 100% failure rate. None of the Cats could answer such simple questions such as: What is 2 + 4? or Define 'ready'. Almost all the Cats resorted to some form of unintelligible meowing with a few rude ones staring hatefully at the tester and refusing to utter a sound of any kind. This seemingly innocuous study had its tragic side as the first 3 cats in the maze died from starvation, ending an otherwise successful investigation on a sour note.

Despite the dead cats this study is a great boon to pet owners. Providing a greater understanding and appreciation for our pets. Unless you own a cat, in which case you have discovered they are dumb.

-The Blogatini, reporting live on location, The Center for the Integrative Study of Animal Behavior, Bloomington, Indiana

Canadians are the most polite people to torture: US Study says.

A new study just published in 'Scientific American' finds that of over 93 nationalities tested, Canadians were the most polite to torture. The tests were conducted by anonymous U.S. researchers working at an anonymous prison in an anonymous Eastern European country.

All nationalities were tested in three categories with 20 members from each country. The three categories were:

1. What language the Torturee used while being electrocuted.
2. How many teeth would the Torturee have left when they finally told the Torturer what they wanted to hear.
3. Given the opportunity would the Torturee attempt to escape.

"Canadians came out on top in each category, far outperforming other nationalities. I wouldn't hesitate for a second to torture a Canadian again in the future."
- Anonymous, Marketing Director of Anonymous in Anonymous.

Two tortured Canadians, still smiling for the camera.

The results were spectacular with 19 of 20 Canadians refraining from using any negative words and most still saying their please and thank you's before, during and after their electrocution session. The 20th said the word 'darn' but immediately apologized and asked if he could electrocute himself to make up for it. The Scottish were the most likely to use bad words often starting the session with "Who the **** are you? What the **** am I doing here?" and "I'm a ****ing piece of Haggis!"

A full 20 of 20 Canadians offered all truthful information before any teeth pulling occurred however 17 of the 20 asked to have at least 3 or 4 teeth pulled anyways saying 'well you've gone to all this trouble, you might as well take some out.' On the opposite end of the spectrum a full 20 of 20 Djiboutians had all of their teeth pulled as all 20 claimed they couldn't speak English.

Once again full marks for Canadians in the last category where none of the Canadians decided to try to leave through their unlocked cell door with a strong 16 of 20 actually closing the door, including one Canadian who asked for a guard to let them know for next time that they'd forgotten to lock them in.

Other intriguing finds were:

• Germans were the most likely to make cold and precise statements such as "You are freezing me to within a 476th of an inch of my life!"
• Canadians were most likely to apologize after they were hurt, most saying "Oops, sorry about that."
• The British were the most likely to enjoy having their teeth pulled, with a 72% success rate in improving their smile.
• The Swedish were most likely to speak in a 'funny sounding language' while being electrocuted.

This study is a great boon to the Bush Presidency as recently America has come under attack for falling behind in Science:

"This study proves... America has and are having to be... the bestest finders of... stuff that knows."
- George W. Bush, President of the United States

- The Blogastair reporting live on location, Anonymous prison, Anonymous, Anonymous.

Secret Vatican documents suggest Pope John Paul II was actually 'pretty fly.'

The Floater Blog has obtained secret Vatican documents which shed a new light on Pope John Paul II. Leaked by top Cardinals expressing their displeasure with Pope Benedict's incredibly low 'cool factor' these documents reveal Pope John Paul the Second (or DJP2 as he was affectionately known in the Vatican Nightclubs) was actually a hip and happenin dude.

"DJP2? Are you kiddin! He was sick! He was famous for doing keg stands at the private mass... man I have never seen anyone able to give a better sermon hung over."
- Zenon Grocholewski, 65, Poland (2001), Prefect Emeritus of Catholic Education, Roman Curia

The documents are many and all are revealing. Some are personal journals of nights out on the town. Some are personal sketches of John Paul's depicting various upgrades to the vatican facade (i.e. disco lights, neon signs, a superman statue etc. All were rejected by the clergy). Some documents are photos not previously released by the Vatican including this one of Pope John Paul II's short-lived upgrade to his Popemobile:

The 'Pimpedmobile' as named by JP 2

"Reaching out to the kids was a big part of his mandate. Most people don't realize he was actually cool like the kids. Not like Benedict XVI, he tries... but he aint fly, he's just a lame old white guy."
- Attilio Nicora, 68, Italy (2003), President Emeritus of Administration of the Patrimony of the Apostolic See, Roman Curia

As Pope John Paul II is up for saint hood this should affect his canonization. It certainly has affected his reputation as more and more people have begun calling him what his favorite Cardinals called him: 'The Dope.'

- Blogatini, reporting live on location, Vatican City, Vatican City.

Kelly Forbes caught producing bizarre Turtle Pornography

What is the world coming to? That is the question many people around the globe are asking themselves as Kelly Forbes' bizarre Turtle Pornography ring has been exposed. Not to be confused with scientific nature videos, these films feature turtles in bizarre sexual positions such as: the turtle waxer, the shell shaper and the oil rig. Every video is also personally hosted by Kelly Forbes (aka 'Smelly Forbes') who goads the turtles on to act out increasingly bizarre sexual endeavors.

"Surprised? Well, unfortunately no. Disappointed? Yes, definitely... we've all been disappointed in Kelly for quite some time now."
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer and Kelly's Mother

A still shot from one of Kelly's movies entitled "Peek-a-Do-You"

To date Kelly has released over twenty seven videos featuring 68 different turtles. Some of her most popular titles include:

• 'Deliver my Pizza real slow'
  
• 'Turtles do Dallas'
• 'The Shell Hole'
• 'Raging Tortoise'
• 'To Shell and Back'

Since the report was broken by the Floater Blog, environmentalist and animal rights activists have been up in arms.

"There is absolutely no scientific value to these videos. None. These are not nature films and these are not normal mating habits of turtles. These turtles are being outright exploited. How many of them are brought here by Kelly and have no other place to go? How many of them have no choice but to participate in these twisted videos?"
- Dr. Sue Lieberman, Global Species Program Director for the World Wildlife Fund

Kelly Forbes was unavailable for comment but needless to say, in the coming days things will become awfully heated around the Kelly Forbes' household.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Kelly Forbes' residence, Vancouver, B.C.

The Floater Blog discovers the Giant Squid and Jimmy Hoffa's body

The Floater Blog investigative team has just returned from their most ambitious and rewarding investigation to date. It is with great honor that the Floater Blog announces the first ever photographic evidence of a Giant Squid and the discovery of Jimmy Hoffa's body. It is with greater honor for the Floater Blog to announce that these two discoveries were made AT THE SAME TIME!

The Floater Blog had received a tip from an anonymous prison inmate last Thursday that Jimmy Hoffa was made to 'sleep with the fishes' off New York's Verrazono Narrows bridge 31 years ago. The Floater Blog Investigative team spent the next 144 hours underwater following the trail of the late Mr. Hoffa's body, discovering that it had:

• Fallen into a refrigerator at the bottom of the New York bay and Frozen solid, preventing decomposition.
• Floated as a cube of ice 3880 nautical miles North towards the polar ice cap.
• Stuck in the bow of the Titanic shipwreck for 16 months until the Discovery Channel crew, unbeknownst to them, knocked him loose.
  
• Voted against Bush in the last election.
• Become part of a bizarre Blue Whale mating ritual through which he became unfrozen.
• Become the cause of a destructive turf war between the Blue Whale 'Crypts' and the Sperm Whale 'Bloods' of the North Pole which the Sperm Whale 'Bloods' eventually won at the cost of 24 homewhales, including 3 that were preggers.
  
• Become the cause of an even more destructive turf war between the Sperm Whale 'Bloods' and the Giant Squid 'Polesh Crew' which was where the investigative team finally caught up with the body.

Without further ado here is the now famous picture of a member of the Polesh Crew and the Bloods fighting over Jimmy Hoffa's body.

The first photographic evidence of a Giant Squid and Jimmy Hoffa's body.

Note the tell-tale tattoo of the Teamster's Logo located on his right hand which we have enlarged and enhanced.

"Without a doubt this is conclusive evidence that Jimmy Hoffa's body has been found."
- Robert S. Mueller III, director of the U.S. F.B.I.

It is unfortunate that the body is being used as a 'plaything' amongst turf wars between giant water beasts but as George Boehlert points out:

"Despite Jimmy Hoffa's obvious importance and success in life, his true accomplishment came in death as he helped to gather the first conclusive evidence of the existence of the Giant Squid. The Floater Blog reporters are nothing but heroes."
- George Boehlert, Director of the Hatfield Marine Science Center

Well, we don't know about heroes, but we're just happy to make a real contribution to science... and justice.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, 1.4 miles under the North Pole.

The Floater Blog investigates Giantess sightings in New York!

For the first time ever the entire Floater Blog staff (all 53 investigative reporters) will be flying en masse to New York in order to personally witness reports of a wandering Giantess. Sadly, it means the Floater Blog will not be updated until their return on June 1st. (And The Floater Blog politely asks its readers to withhold from conducting a 7 day hunger vigil complete with self-mortification like last time).

The Giantess apparently wandered lost and confused into the city sometime around the beginning of May. Scientists are dubbing the creature "Lindsay Forbes" and have actually created an entirely new classification of mammal for Forbes called the Garga-giant.

"We get all types here in New York. You got a problem with that? So she's a Garga-giant? What's your $$$$ing point? I see $$$$ing midgets, $$$$ing bearded ladies, $$$$ing arm for a nose men and $$$$ing half-man half-horse people on my way to work everyday! And you come in here asking me about some Garga$$$$ingGiant? $$$$, you pricks piss me off you know that?"
- Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York

Despite the government's official statement of 'un-interest' in the matter, civilians have flocked to information about the Garga-giant. Many New Yorkers have taken pains to photograph the beast while running away from it in a panic. Here are some of those shots now:

Gargantuan Forbes perusing the NY Library


Lindsay the Giantess causing panic and confusion in Times Square


Gynormous Forbes wading drunkenly across the Hudson River

Imagine New Yorker's surprise when one-day a male Garga-Giant happened to appear alongside the beast.

"The Lindsay Forbes beast must have been giving off that strange musky scent in order to attract a mate. Of course she inadvertantly bathed the entire city in a milky haze. Simply remarkable."
Rune Feldenbergstien, Top Mammalian Research Scientist, NASA

Garga-giant Lindsay with her Garga-giant mate

What does this mean for New York? The Floater Blog intends to find out however, a more telling question might be: What does this mean for mankind as a whole?

- The Bloogerini, reporting live on location, 7 blocks away from the Chrysler building, New York, New York

Tony Snow is Grand Wizard, level 54

Tony Snow, the new White House Press Secretary, gave his first public address yesterday. Reporters were shocked to find that he is a Grand Wizard... a level 54 Grand Wizard that is.

"We hired Tony because of his special abilities that we thought were well suited to the press room."
- Dick Cheney, Vice-President of the United States and Dungeon Master to the President's Monday night D&D game.

Tony's biography lists his special abilities as:

• Ice Ray 12 (Deals 80 x 12 damage. Special Bonus: only consumes 5 MPs)
• Slither Tongues 27 (+350% chance of persuasion)
• The White Out (Blizzard blinds opponents, +275% chance to flee. Special Bonus: Deals 20 damage to each opponent)

Even more disconcerting than Snow's Raw Power is the fact that over the past 6 years the White House has denied entry to any reporter that is above a Level 3 Grunt. Simply put, the reporters don't have a chance.

Tony Snow 'Ices' another reporter

"I'm shocked, his Charisma and Intelligence levels are off the charts. And with the terrible Resist levels of those Level 1, 2 and 3 Grunts in the Press Room, I don't know how we are going to hear anything other than lies."
- Stewart Deepoindle, Creative Editor, Wizard's Lair Magazine

Experts estimate Tony Snow's character profile to look like this:

HP: 123 (Hit Points)
MP: 672 (Magic Points)
STR: 78 (Strength, for when he melees)
INT: 1457 (Intelligence, controls power of Magic)
WIS: 887 (Wisdom, controls number of spells)
CHR: 2046 (Charisma, ability to influence others)

High numbers to be sure but it certainly explains why in his first briefing he managed to use the racial term 'Tar Baby' without repercussion.

Experts estimate Snow draws his strength from the ever present snowing cloud situated just above his head. One can only hope to find a Wizard or a Cleric with a strong enough Hot Air Spell to blow the cloud away and save the day for us mere mortals.

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washington, D.C.

Queen visits Vancouver, relegated to kids' table.

Queen Elizabeth II made a surprise Mother's Day visit to Vancouver, B.C. today when she unexpectedly dropped by for tea at the Newland's household. Unfortunately, it appears her manners weren't up to snuff as shortly thereafter she was relegated to the kids' table.

"I've always said to my kids. You've got to be ready with good manners, in case the Queen drops by for tea. What kind of a Mother would I be if I did not hold the Queen to the same standards as my children?"
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer

The offense in question was 'elbows on the table.' Nora made sure to point it out by politely remarking 'Mable Mable elbows on the table.' To which, Queen Elizabeth II, ever the elegant wit, replied, 'isn't this a horse's stable?' Nora, catching the bull by the horns, answered: 'No, it's a first class dining table. And you can now spend the rest of tea at the Kids' table thinking about what you've done.'

Nora and Nan enjoying tea and dinner while
Queen Elizabeth scolds children for 'getting into her purse.'

The Queen's own spokesperson remarked that she had been flying and drinking all day which may have been the cause of her gaff but assured Nora, that should the Queen ever be invited back, it wouldn't happen again.

For Nora's part, would the Queen would be invited back?

"She needs to spend some time thinking about manners. Once I see that she has really thought about what she has done and made an effort to improve than we'll see about having her back."
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer

Despite the gaff, the Mother's Day was a pleasant one at the Newland's household with Nora remarking once again:

"Oh, my son is definitely my favorite child, I don't care much for the other two. They could at least improve their manners."
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Newland's Household, Vancouver B.C. Happy Mothers Day Mom.

Stephen Harper fights with his publicist.

Stephen Harper is fighting with his publicist. In yet another example of the current government's ear wetness, a proposed ad campaign has been delayed for another six months due to disagreements over the content.

The Conservative government hired a Toronto based Marketing firm to create an ad-campaign to increase their popularity, especially with younger voters. The Firm, OBG inc. (Oldies but Goodies) has decided to piggy back the ipod's success with a 'Think Different' campaign for Stephen Harper. The company drew up samples, used focus groups and conducted surveys. All signs pointed to a 'Go' but what the signs were really pointing to was a 'Stop! Let me read that. Think diff... What the &%$@?'

Harper refused to use the 'Think Different' slogan unless they included his second, less potent, addendum:

One of the first failed prototypes.

"Well obviously we're not going to use that slogan without an addendum. I'm not gay."
- Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada

OBG decided against going ahead with Harper's addendum. So a new slogan was decided upon which just as quickly had its own addendum and was just as quickly scrapped. Other failed slogans and their addendums include:

• "Harper: he's your man." ad: "But not in a homosexual way."
• "Harper, Just Do it." ad: "The 'it' isn't sex. Especially not gay sex."
• "Call him the Hammer." ad: "But not a tool. Especially not a gay tool."
• "Vote Harper." ad: "I'm not gay."

"I just don't see how any of our ads have anything to do with any kind of homosexual issue let alone whether or not the Prime Minister is gay."
- Ron Teel, Executive Director, OBG Inc.

Ron Teel was fired shortly after making that last comment which caused more delays in the already backed-up campaign. With their room in the polls shrinking these green Conservatives are becoming a tad frustrated. One thing they're not though, is gay.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Parliament HIll, Ottawa, Ontario

NHL awards Hart Trophy to Alastair Forbes

In an unprecedented move, the NHL announced today that it would be awarding the Hart Trophy (Most Valuable Player) to Alastair Forbes, a Torontonian writer, Actor and journalist for the Floater Blog who does not even play in the NHL.

"We recognize that this is an unusual step however when you look at the athletic capabilities of Alastair and what amazing things he could have done if he decided to play in the NHL it just makes sense. The NHL needs a young, vibrant, incredibly attractive MVP and that's what we are getting with Alastair Forbes."
- Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner

Forbes beat out competitive hopefuls in Jaromir Jagr and Joe Thornton to win the Hart Trophy. They also decided that rather than awarding the Vezina Trophy (Best Goaltender) to the most boring player to watch in hockey (MIkka Kiprussoff), to give it to Forbes as a bonus even though he would have played Center or Right Wing.

Hart and Vezina Trophy Winner, Alastair Forbes

"We had been scouting Forbes for a long time. Ever since his school days when he would absolutely dominate the ball hockey competitions we knew he had something special in him. There is no doubt that had he been playing this year he would have beat out Thornton and Jagr for the trophy, so why not just call a spade a spade and do what's right."
- Bill Daly, NHL Vice-President

The Floater Blog wishes to extend a huge congratulation for what would have been a lot of hard work had Forbes played in the NHL. Congratulations Alastair, you deserve it.

- The Blogastair, reporitng live on location, Hockey Hall of Fame, Toronto, Ontario

Theatre Smash is good... a ... little.. too... good?

TheatreSmash is the hottest new theatre company on the Toronto scene. With a successful friendraiser, fundraiser and an upcoming show, 'Tiny Dynamite,' that promises to be spectacular they have a promising future. This company is good... the Floater Blog asks... is it too good?

One of the esteemed Floater Blog Reporters was hired to shoot photos at the aforementioned Friendraiser and needless to say he was surprised when one of the photos of Co-Artistic directors Ashlie Corcoran and Sarah Baumann came back looking like this:

The true nature of these Artistic Directors is revealed

It appears that inadvertently Alastair Forbes has stumbled upon the key to Theatre Smash's success: Sub-Sonic-Refracting-Brain-Waves or Subsonrefractibrainwaves for short. Subsonrefractibrainwaves are invisible to the naked eye because they vibrate at such an incredible level. So fast, in fact, they still appear to be vibrating in the still photograph pictured above.

"I was just lucky to get the shot. A lot if it probably had to do with the fact that they were so close together which over-radiated their Subsonrefractibrainwaves."
- Alastair Forbes, Floater Blog Journalist and Brain-wave enthusiast.

What do Subsonrefractibrainwaves signify? Dr. Jara Jansen explains:

"Up until now Subsonrefractibrainwaves have only been a far-fetched theory. They are supposed to be a by-product of almost god-like brain power and were only ever associated with extra-terrestrials."
-Dr. Jara Janse, Neurastrophysicist, NASA

Do Ashlie Corcoran and Sarah Baumann possess god-like brain power? It would certainly explain Theatre Smash's phenomenal success thus far. Is this fair? Or is it a bit like Superman becoming a professional boxer? Theatre Smash released this statement after the Floater Blog asked for a comment:

"Oooohp... ehp Owp, Bzgooach EEEEEExthurkOOOOOO... (continues for 30 minutes in this fashion)"
- Ashlie Corcoran and Sarah Baumann, Co-founders, Theatre Smash

It would be pertinent to mention, that the mesage was released... INTO SPACE VIA A TELSONEX X3000 SATELLITE TRANSMITTER. If nothing else, this points to their fall show being absolutely, pardon the pun, out of this world.

Actually don't pardon the pun. It was intentional. We're that good.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, The Mojave Desert, Southern California, United States.

Whitehouse to release series of Children's books

Karl Rove, the architect behind both of the current President's election campaigns, is gearing up for 2008. With George W. Bush's popularity rating at a record low, Rove has introduced a series of children's books which reflect the party's policies.

"The idea here is to present a good-ol fashioned homely way of bringing our message to the people. If the parents are reading these books to their kids at night, it can be an entertaining learning experience for the child and the parent. Our hope is for these books to exceed Harry Potter in popularity, and I believe they will because they're not blasphemous."
- Karl Rove, White House Deputy Chief of Staff

The Christmas Title of the Series.

The first books will be released in September and will follow the Holiday schedule of the year. Rove insists that while entertaining and educational the very lives of Americans may be at stake if the public doesn't read these books.

"Many Americans have started to forget the many dangers out there. America is constantly under attack from many different people. These books help to educate and prepare us for those attacks. Stay vigilant, don't be a traitor, read these books. Please."
- Karl Rove, White House Deputy Chief of Staff

Planned titles include:

• No Oil? No Thanksgiving.
• The Democratic Valentine's card that tried to make you Gay.
• Jesus died on Easter, why can't you?
• Independence is for Terrorists. Happy Dependence day!

The White House hopes to sell 40 million copies of the series in the first year. Revenues from the books will go directly to a trust fund for kids of the White House's Deputy Chief of Staff.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House, Washington D.C.

Rogers Inc. becomes Rogers High... School.

Rogers Inc. has taken a step forwards by going backwards.... into High School. Ted Rogers, President and CEO of Rogers inc. explains,

"High Schoolers happen to be our largest demographic and so as a company I really want us to adopt a High School mentality so we can better understand and serve our customers. In order to do that I've rented out a high school where our new Head Office will be located until a new Rogers High Head Office can be built by September."
- Ted Rogers, CEO Rogers Inc.

The High School Rogers is talking about is Sir William Osler High School in Scarborough Ontario. The Principal was all too willing to cancel the last 38 days of classes and vacate the school in order to receive a 10% discount on their first three months of high-speed internet for the following school year.

Ted Rogers, wearing a ridiculous blue suit, speaking to his new employees

Many new policies have been adopted by the company. Here are a few examples:

• All employees must now work at small tables in groups of 3 or 4 but no talking is allowed until discussion time.
• Employees must use a hall pass to access the washrooms and the staff room is now off-limits to all employees but for the CEO and VP.
• All students must practice cool things like 'Parkour' the running and jumping sport in their 'tipping on the brink' commercial. Or break dancing which if done to a particularly skilled level, the present employees will respond with "Oh, that's bananas son."
  
• The hiring age has been reduced to 14 with preference given to 16 year olds.
• Retirement packages are available to anyone over the age of 21.

In the long run this may be a smart move for Rogers. Creating loyal customers out of impressionable minds is far easier than creating loyal customers out of intelligent people.

However, in the short run, this new regime has caused much strife and turmoil amongst the employees.

"All I did was pass a note. I had to pass it cause Brad was looking at Sarah in that creepy way again and I finally figured it out that he totally likes her. And then stupid Mr. Rogers fired me."
- Jennifer Bington, Former Assistant Marketing Manager, Rogers Inc.

Other employees have been suspended without pay for failing to hand in reports on time. One employee was asked to come in on Saturday because he was caught text messaging his friend at one of the work tables.

The long term success of the new Rogers High is yet to be seen, but in the short term there are a few hurdles to clear first.

- The Bloggeee, reporting live on location, Rogers Inc.'s new Head High School Office, Scarborough Ontario

Star Daily goes Inside Celebrities... actually inside of them.

Star Daily has announced a new show: "Inside Celebrities." A show that takes the viewer actually inside celebrities' bodies.

"We here at Star! Daily pride ourselves on being incredibly in-touch with our viewers. We took a poll recently and our viewers told us they wanted to be closer to celebrities. Well viewers, we heard you and we're closer!"
- Inta Rusive, Marketing Director for Star! Daily

Title Screen for the new show.

The first episode will be about billionaire heiress Paris Hilton's liver. Pictured above, Star Daily has outdone itself with shocking discoveries of fat deposits indicating a recent meal of fast food. Perhaps the most surprising evidence dug up was a globule found in her liver suggesting Paris has been dating rocker Tommy Lee for about 3 months now and they had rented out an entire Brazilian resort for a sex-filled weekend.

Just how does Star! Daily manage to get inside celebrities' bodies? Does this violate their rights? Ruder explains:

"We follow all the laws to the letter. If the celebrities are in a public place than they are deemed accessible by the media. Same goes for injecting them with microscopic cameras. If they are in a public place and happen to fall into a chloroform induced sleep than they are accessible by microscopic camera injections."
- Inta Ruder, Marketing Director, Star! Daily

Some Celebrities have come out against the show, threatning lawsuits and claiming it's an invasion of privacy. However, over 130 million viewers tuned into the first episode with ratings expected to double. So, invasion of privacy or not, people love watching people's insides.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Star! Daily Head Office, Toronto Ontario

The Sun to be home to new Presidential Memorial.

President Bush announced today, in conjunction with NASA, plans for a Presidential Memorial in the Sun.

"This is a proud day for me, a proud day and a ... prouder day... for my... for me. I'm proud of all the boys at NASA... and girls. Heh, I like the girls too. For putten me to the sun proudly."
- George W. Bush, POTUS

The President, speaking at a Grade 2 level, meant to say that he was proud that the American nation would be memorializing him in the Sun. In order to avoid a further 40 minutes of general confusion and disorientation at the Press Conference a spokesperson for NASA, instead of the President, was asked to explain how this plan would be carried out.

"Using a new X30 rocket we will be propelling 30 nuclear warheads to the Sun. Upon impact with the Sun's inner core the warheads will detonate and, much like expensive fireworks, explode into the likeness of the President. Our hope is the image will burn into the Sun's outer core."
- Rev. Ian Morrol, Presidential Spiritual Advisor to NASA

Artist's rendering of the proposed Presidential Tribute.

When asked about the risks of detonating 30 nuclear warheads in a giant ball of gas Morrol went on to say:

"If we do the right thing by God, God will do the right thing by us therefore, the risk becomes negligible."
- Rev. Ian Morrol, Presidential Spiritual Advisor to NASA

With all concerns eased by the good Reverend's soothing words the next question was a bit of a puzzler. Why the Sun? In a another twisting lair of confusion and blubbery, The POTUS answered:

"The Sun? Well, heh, why not? I mean Lincoln, Washington and ... you know ... a couple other guys got a mountain... why not the Sun? The Sun belongs to America right? So why shouldn't my face be putten up in the Sun? Besides it'll help with re-eclection."
- George W. Bush, POTUS

After confirming with Presidential aides that he meant re-election reporters asked how he planned to circumvent the constitutional rule which bars a President for running more than two terms. The President simply smiled and winked, which, while creepy, was probably clearer than any answer he could have given.

The Bloggerbotterastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washington, D.C.