Friday, July 28, 2006

Ontario anounces 46 Billion to be spent on Nuclear power, Giant Cat to be put down.

Dalton McGuinty held an eventful press conference at the Tiverton, Ontario Bruce Power Plant. He announced plans for the Ontario government to spend 46 billion dollars rebuilding up to three nuclear plants.

Environmentalists balk at this idea because of the nuclear waste they produce and the safety hazards they pose.

McGuinty stands firm on his decision though and assures the public there is "nothing wrong with our nuclear program."

Dalton addressing reporters while a Giant Cat lurks in the background.

Reporters immediately questioned him on this statement as there was a monstrous 22 foot tall tabby cat lurking in the background throughout the entire press conference.

"Yes, in this area there have been sightings of animals growing to unusual sizes but I don't see how this has any relation to our Nuclear program. We are here to discuss the benefits of a sustainable energy source, not some mutant animals."
- Dalton McGuinty, Premier of Ontario

The rest of the press conference was cut short as most reporters left to watch as the Giant Cat single-handedly pulled four 500 pound Tuna from Lake Huron. An amazing feat if for no other reason than it being the first time Tuna have been found in freshwater.

Afterwards, McGuinty promised to 'have the giant cat put down' promising that future discussions of the Province's energy crisis would not be distracted by these Giant Beasts.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Bruce Power Plant, Tiverton, Ontario

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


The world rejoices today. In a celebration the likes the world has seen only twenty five such times before, Alastair Forbes will be anointed twenty six today. In a four hour morning ceremony, 193 heads of State will pay homage to Alastair and his family. Ceasefires have been declared the world over and all Religions but for one have declared today as a day to worship Alastair, not their respective deities. Buddhism made no such declaration as Alastair is already considered their deity having achieved Nirvana on his tenth birthday.

A Castle was built to mark the occasion and a private dinner party will be held with a little over 2000 people attending. The Castle is a gift from the world's Mammals, represented by just over 5000 heads of species. Last year the floating Palace was donated by the Birds of the world and the Amphibians are looking forward to their plans for a semi-submerged Chateau next year. Angels came down from the Heavens to give thanks for Alastair including the Michelangelo angel who painted this representation of the Celebration to happen tonight:

We Loveth Thee, Alastair, We Loveth Thee, by Michelangelo

In a time when there is so much strife and conflict in the world, it is refreshing to see the World unite in their genuflection towards Alastair. He has done so much and asks for so little in return, it's the least the World can do. Michelangelo was right, We Loveth Thee, Alastair... We Loveth Thee.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, The Forbes Castle, Paradise Island, International Waters

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Bush: The Environment is hurting our economy

The American government has a new war to fight… the fight against the Environment.

“I have been watching this trend closely grow… over the years I have been Mr. President. Now a new enemy has come to fight us even so… while we are still fighting Terrorism. Well let’s call a spade a tar baby and Environment you are a terrorist.”
George W. Bush, POTUS

A Presidential spokesperson assured us that the President meant to say there has been a growing trend of the Environment encroaching upon the American economy, which puts the American way of life at risk. The White House then released a simulated photo of the encroaching Environment and warned citizens to take every precaution when encountering the Environment.

The 'Environment' attacks an Ohio town.

Ralph Nader, two time Presidential Candidate respectfully disagrees:

"It's absurd. The picture is clearly a poorly doctored photo of an enlarged caterpillar, which by the way are herbivores. This Administration has consistently misled the American people and this has got to be the last straw.... I mean the Environment isn't an object or a monster... it's our world... nature!"
- Ralph Nader, two-time Presidential candidate

Nader, however, has proven himself a hysterical fearmonger with his take on this issue and the President has assured the public he is part of an ongoing Terror investigation. In the meantime, Americans can rest assured that the war on the Environment is already underway. Generous companies like Shell, Monsanto and IBP have already donated funds and manpower towards destroying the enemy.

"We're working very hard to destroy as much of the Environment as possible. But so far we've only won a few battles we're a long way from winning the war. All I ask is that Americans support us in any way they can. Drive aimlessly, throw away styrofoam containers, start brush fires, eat only processed foods and burn your rubber tires. Every little bit counts."
- John Hofmeister, President of Shell Oil Company

We here at the Floater Blog have already made a donation to 'Drill Alaska', so now the question is what will you do?

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washington D.C.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Frat Boys duped: 'Indiana is nothing like India!'

An unfortunate set of circumstances has ruined an otherwise 'awesome summer road trip.' Jeremy Talman and Don Nedlan had spent a year planning a month-long backpacking trip to their favorite country India. However, things took a terrible turn for the worse:

"Ya, I'm really bummed out. We had this awesome trip planned but it was harsh on our budget. And when we saw this flyer advertising tickets to Indiana that were WAY cheaper than our tickets to India and we were like 'right on!'... but it turns out Indiana is nothing like India."
- Jeremy Talman, Sophomore, Alabama State University

Jeremy and Don in front of the Soldiers and Sailors Monument.

Their mistake was exacerbated as Jeremy and Don only brought 12 American dollars with them as the rest of their money was tied up in 46,000 rupees.

"Ya what really sucked about the trip for me is that there were no Indian hotties. Sure we saw some regulation hotties, but they weren't exotic or nothin... and the curry sucked."
- Don Nedlan, Junior, Alabama State University

The question remains... is Indiana taking advantage of India's popularity as a travel destination? With ads like "Come to Indiana and try our Curry" one would say yes. However, Lt. Governor Becky Skillman disagrees:

"I don't see how that is misrepresenting us, we have some curry here in our state and we encourage people to try it. Come for the curry, stay for roads. That's what I say. We've got lots of roads and most of them are paved."
- Becky Skillman, Lt. Governor of the State of Indiana

Hopefully the plight of Jeremy and Don will give light to one of the many hazards of international travel.

-The Blogertair, reporting live on location, one of the many, many roads, Indianapolis, Indiana

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Canadian Lawyer Sues Herself. Sets Precedent.

A precedent setting case is currently underway in Toronto, Ontario as a Canadian lawyer is suing herself... for copyright infringement.

"I was double checking a brief I had handed in to the courts in the morning when I realized that I had copied a great deal of the brief directly from a paper I had written in my final year of Law School. So I did the right thing and sued for copyright infringement."
- Elisabeth 'Lis' Patrick, Lawyer for WeirFoulds L.L.P.

The high profile of the case has sparked controversy and some high-profile comments:

"I think Lis has done the right thing. She is a great example for Lawyers in our country. No deed, whether it be good, bad, sensational or banal, should be exempt from being tested in a court of law."
- The Hon. Beverly Mclaughlin, Cheif Justice of Canada

The precedent setting case of Patrick V. Patrick

Patrick is suing Patrick for $162,000 dollars in damages claiming 'loss of revenue' and 'damage to my reputation'.

"If I let this go, people may associate my work with this sub-par material and my professional reputation could be affected. Yes, It is a risk. I am liable to lose my apartment but on the up side I would gain enough money to rent it back."
- Elisabeth 'Lis' Patrick, Lawyer for WeirFoulds L.L.P.

The case is currently in its third month before the courts and has cost taxpayers an estimated $67,000 dollars so far, prompting some to question the merit of the whole trial.

Further doubts have overshadowed the case when Prosecutorial Patrick began drinking in the courtroom, often stumbling out at the end of the day visibly intoxicated. (See Above Photo of Patrick holding a glass of wine). Not to be outdone, the Defense Patrick has attempted to bribe the judge sixteen times now, with a progressively larger bribe each time. The last one being 94 dollars and a dinner date. (See above photo of Patrick reaching into her wallet)

A waste of time and the taxpayer's money? Probably. But it's a surefire way to double your money by betting on Patrick to win.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Superior Court of Justice, Toronto, Ontario.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

New Study: Dogs actually are smarter than cats.

The verdict is finally in: dogs actually are smarter than cats. A new study conducted by The Center for the Integrative Study of Animal Behavior revealed today that in basic cognitive functions most species of dogs far outperformed their cat counterparts.

The three basic tests were:
  1. Write an essay on a topic of your choice.
  2. Answer 10 skill testing questions.
  3. Follow a map to pass through a maze.
"It really was no contest from the outset. I'm not sure why this hasn't been studied before but there never was a doubt in my mind."
- Dr. Spot, Author of 'See Spot introduce his quantum theory on astrally affected socio-behaviours of your pet', and one of the dogs participating in the study.

Dr. Spot, Author and Study Particiapant.

It would take far too long to examine all the test results in detail but to give a good idea , some of the essay topics turned in by the dogs include 'Indentured Service or Symbiotic Servitude: A comparative Study of Dogs and their Masters' (written by a Border Collie named Tiffany) and 'Let's Go for a Walk: A dog's observations of mid-western Botanical Biodiversity in Colorado' (written by a Pug named Rexington).
Most dogs scored a perfect 10 out of 10 on the skill testing questions and a whopping 92% used the map correctly to find their way through the maze. The remaining 8% only didn't make it because they had co-ordinated a plan to meet at a secret location inside the maze where they designed an elaborate prank for one of the testers involving 2 pulley systems, a fulcrum and 12 cream pies .

The Cats on the other hand faired very poorly in all 3 contests. There was not a single intelligible essay handed in. Most papers did not in fact resemble their namesake as they generally consisted of shredded paper, fur and fecal matter.
The Cats fared even worse in the trivia section with a full 100% failure rate. None of the Cats could answer such simple questions such as: What is 2 + 4? or Define 'ready'. Almost all the Cats resorted to some form of unintelligible meowing with a few rude ones staring hatefully at the tester and refusing to utter a sound of any kind. This seemingly innocuous study had its tragic side as the first 3 cats in the maze died from starvation, ending an otherwise successful investigation on a sour note.

Despite the dead cats this study is a great boon to pet owners. Providing a greater understanding and appreciation for our pets. Unless you own a cat, in which case you have discovered they are dumb.

-The Blogatini, reporting live on location, The Center for the Integrative Study of Animal Behavior, Bloomington, Indiana