Sunday, June 25, 2006

Canadians are the most polite people to torture: US Study says.

A new study just published in 'Scientific American' finds that of over 93 nationalities tested, Canadians were the most polite to torture. The tests were conducted by anonymous U.S. researchers working at an anonymous prison in an anonymous Eastern European country.

All nationalities were tested in three categories with 20 members from each country. The three categories were:
  1. What language the Torturee used while being electrocuted.
  2. How many teeth would the Torturee have left when they finally told the Torturer what they wanted to hear.
  3. Given the opportunity would the Torturee attempt to escape.
"Canadians came out on top in each category, far outperforming other nationalities. I wouldn't hesitate for a second to torture a Canadian again in the future."
- Anonymous, Marketing Director of Anonymous in Anonymous.

Two tortured Canadians, still smiling for the camera.

The results were spectacular with 19 of 20 Canadians refraining from using any negative words and most still saying their please and thank you's before, during and after their electrocution session. The 20th said the word 'darn' but immediately apologized and asked if he could electrocute himself to make up for it. The Scottish were the most likely to use bad words often starting the session with "Who the **** are you? What the **** am I doing here?" and "I'm a ****ing piece of Haggis!"

A full 20 of 20 Canadians offered all truthful information before any teeth pulling occurred however 17 of the 20 asked to have at least 3 or 4 teeth pulled anyways saying 'well you've gone to all this trouble, you might as well take some out.' On the opposite end of the spectrum a full 20 of 20 Djiboutians had all of their teeth pulled as all 20 claimed they couldn't speak English.

Once again full marks for Canadians in the last category where none of the Canadians decided to try to leave through their unlocked cell door with a strong 16 of 20 actually closing the door, including one Canadian who asked for a guard to let them know for next time that they'd forgotten to lock them in.

Other intriguing finds were:
  • Germans were the most likely to make cold and precise statements such as "You are freezing me to within a 476th of an inch of my life!"
  • Canadians were most likely to apologize after they were hurt, most saying "Oops, sorry about that."
  • The British were the most likely to enjoy having their teeth pulled, with a 72% success rate in improving their smile.
  • The Swedish were most likely to speak in a 'funny sounding language' while being electrocuted.
This study is a great boon to the Bush Presidency as recently America has come under attack for falling behind in Science:

"This study proves... America has and are having to be... the bestest finders of... stuff that knows."
- George W. Bush, President of the United States

- The Blogastair reporting live on location, Anonymous prison, Anonymous, Anonymous.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Secret Vatican documents suggest Pope John Paul II was actually 'pretty fly.'

The Floater Blog has obtained secret Vatican documents which shed a new light on Pope John Paul II. Leaked by top Cardinals expressing their displeasure with Pope Benedict's incredibly low 'cool factor' these documents reveal Pope John Paul the Second (or DJP2 as he was affectionately known in the Vatican Nightclubs) was actually a hip and happenin dude.

"DJP2? Are you kiddin! He was sick! He was famous for doing keg stands at the private mass... man I have never seen anyone able to give a better sermon hung over."
Zenon Grocholewski, 65, Poland (2001), Prefect Emeritus of Catholic Education, Roman Curia

The documents are many and all are revealing. Some are personal journals of nights out on the town. Some are personal sketches of John Paul's depicting various upgrades to the vatican facade (i.e. disco lights, neon signs, a superman statue etc. All were rejected by the clergy). Some documents are photos not previously released by the Vatican including this one of Pope John Paul II's short-lived upgrade to his Popemobile:

The 'Pimpedmobile' as named by JP 2

"Reaching out to the kids was a big part of his mandate. Most people don't realize he was actually cool like the kids. Not like Benedict XVI, he tries... but he aint fly, he's just a lame old white guy."
- Attilio Nicora, 68, Italy (2003), President Emeritus of Administration of the Patrimony of the Apostolic See, Roman Curia

As Pope John Paul II is up for saint hood this should affect his canonization. It certainly has affected his reputation as more and more people have begun calling him what his favorite Cardinals called him: 'The Dope.'

- Blogatini, reporting live on location, Vatican City, Vatican City.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Kelly Forbes caught producing bizarre Turtle Pornography

What is the world coming to? That is the question many people around the globe are asking themselves as Kelly Forbes' bizarre Turtle Pornography ring has been exposed. Not to be confused with scientific nature videos, these films feature turtles in bizarre sexual positions such as: the turtle waxer, the shell shaper and the oil rig. Every video is also personally hosted by Kelly Forbes (aka 'Smelly Forbes') who goads the turtles on to act out increasingly bizarre sexual endeavors.

"Surprised? Well, unfortunately no. Disappointed? Yes, definitely... we've all been disappointed in Kelly for quite some time now."
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer and Kelly's Mother

A still shot from one of Kelly's movies entitled "Peek-a-Do-You"

To date Kelly has released over twenty seven videos featuring 68 different turtles. Some of her most popular titles include:
  • 'Deliver my Pizza real slow'
  • 'Turtles do Dallas'
  • 'The Shell Hole'
  • 'Raging Tortoise'
  • 'To Shell and Back'
Since the report was broken by the Floater Blog, environmentalist and animal rights activists have been up in arms.

"There is absolutely no scientific value to these videos. None. These are not nature films and these are not normal mating habits of turtles. These turtles are being outright exploited. How many of them are brought here by Kelly and have no other place to go? How many of them have no choice but to participate in these twisted videos?"
- Dr. Sue Lieberman, Global Species Program Director for the World Wildlife Fund

Kelly Forbes was unavailable for comment but needless to say, in the coming days things will become awfully heated around the Kelly Forbes' household.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Kelly Forbes' residence, Vancouver, B.C.

Friday, June 09, 2006

The Floater Blog discovers the Giant Squid and Jimmy Hoffa's body

The Floater Blog investigative team has just returned from their most ambitious and rewarding investigation to date. It is with great honor that the Floater Blog announces the first ever photographic evidence of a Giant Squid and the discovery of Jimmy Hoffa's body. It is with greater honor for the Floater Blog to announce that these two discoveries were made AT THE SAME TIME!

The Floater Blog had received a tip from an anonymous prison inmate last Thursday that Jimmy Hoffa was made to 'sleep with the fishes' off New York's Verrazono Narrows bridge 31 years ago. The Floater Blog Investigative team spent the next 144 hours underwater following the trail of the late Mr. Hoffa's body, discovering that it had:
  • Fallen into a refrigerator at the bottom of the New York bay and Frozen solid, preventing decomposition.
  • Floated as a cube of ice 3880 nautical miles North towards the polar ice cap.
  • Stuck in the bow of the Titanic shipwreck for 16 months until the Discovery Channel crew, unbeknownst to them, knocked him loose.
  • Voted against Bush in the last election.
  • Become part of a bizarre Blue Whale mating ritual through which he became unfrozen.
  • Become the cause of a destructive turf war between the Blue Whale 'Crypts' and the Sperm Whale 'Bloods' of the North Pole which the Sperm Whale 'Bloods' eventually won at the cost of 24 homewhales, including 3 that were preggers.
  • Become the cause of an even more destructive turf war between the Sperm Whale 'Bloods' and the Giant Squid 'Polesh Crew' which was where the investigative team finally caught up with the body.
Without further ado here is the now famous picture of a member of the Polesh Crew and the Bloods fighting over Jimmy Hoffa's body.

The first photographic evidence of a Giant Squid and Jimmy Hoffa's body.

Note the tell-tale tattoo of the Teamster's Logo located on his right hand which we have enlarged and enhanced.

"Without a doubt this is conclusive evidence that Jimmy Hoffa's body has been found."
- Robert S. Mueller III, director of the U.S. F.B.I.

It is unfortunate that the body is being used as a 'plaything' amongst turf wars between giant water beasts but as George Boehlert points out:

"Despite Jimmy Hoffa's obvious importance and success in life, his true accomplishment came in death as he helped to gather the first conclusive evidence of the existence of the Giant Squid. The Floater Blog reporters are nothing but heroes."
- George Boehlert, Director of the Hatfield Marine Science Center

Well, we don't know about heroes, but we're just happy to make a real contribution to science... and justice.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, 1.4 miles under the North Pole.