Friday, March 31, 2006

Forbes kidnapped by Gorilla's! Floater Blog lay dormant!

Gorilla warfare has spread to North America. In a stunning blow to freedom, Gorilla's managed to sneak into Canada and whisk away Canada's brightest mind in the dark of night. Using well-published Gorilla tactics the Gorilla group calling themselves "Unhhggoo" used the cover of the surrounding trees to surprise Fort Floater Blog. Climbing through the window of renowned Floater journalist Alastair Forbes' bedroom they used their decided surprise and upper-body-strength advantage to carry Forbes away to their secret hide-out where he was held captive for 7 days.

Photo of Alastair taken by one of his Gorilla captors

Through snippets of conversation, discarded garbage and in-fighting between the dominant troop leaders Forbes soon discovered their devious plan. The "Unhhggoo" troop had become tired of being constantly oppressed by 'The Man.' They felt they deserved to take a step up in the biological chain. The quickest way for them to do this was to breed with genetically superior life-forms. So 12 years ago they began to search for 'Pffpbbbfooo' which roughly translates as 'The most genetically superior human.' It took a long time but it was only inevitable that they would end up at Forbes' window on that fateful eve one week ago.

Their plan was well thought out, but for one flaw. Forbes was not just physically genetically superior, but mentally genetically superior as well. Once Forbes realized their plan he quickly came up with a plan of his own. Assessing the risk-factors, mentally mapping out the terrian and using his decided advantage of lower-body-strength he began to run. And run he did right back to civilized society and his upgraded and secure Fort Floater blog.

Now that he's back in society, free from his captors he said he just wants to get back to being human again:

"Right now, I'm just enjoying doing the normal things: hugging my girlfriend, writing for the Floater Blog and most importantly, not throwing feces."
- Alastair Forbes, renowned Floater Blog Journalist

But Alastair brings back a strong message from the Gorilla community.

"My captors were never out to hurt me, they only wanted justice, and a piece of my bod. As they would say '[snort] Fbbbbb. Uooo. OOOaaaghAAffoo [slap's chest] hoff bbblllaaarrrrffoo.' Or 'You may kill us with bombs, but later we will hide and throw our poo at you. It will smell terrible.' "
- Alastair Forbes, renowned Floater Blog Journalist

Despite the joyous outcome to these events it certainly makes us all examine the poo thrower inside of us.

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Toronto, Ontario

Saturday, March 25, 2006

GOP and the WWE team up for a distraction!

"What you better talk about now."
- DJ K-Rove feat. The Con-Rice Con

"So you bored with life as you know it,
Thinkin bout things that could blow it,
Well guess what? [crowd responds] WHAT? STOP thinkin at all!
Cause we got sumpin thats GONNA BE A BALL!

GOP and the WWE,
They say fun, we say wheee!
GOP and WWE,
Don't think about stuff that don't concern me!

Someone said sumpin you don understand,
Sumpin bout someone takin a stand,
Well guess what? [crowd responds] WHAT? You call him a traitor!
Cause we got sumpin to think about THAT'S MUCH GREATER!


That's the new song heard round the white house these days as the current GOP has teamed up with the WWE to give Americans something to talk about. The new collaboration came out of recent allegations made by Charlie Sheen regarding 9/11.

"Well I understand that Charlie has his point of view and that's fine but if the American people really want something to talk about they'll be talking about the ALL NEW WWE CONGRESSIONAL SMACKDOWN every wednesday night. It's gonna be some mud-slingin, no-good, dirty fightin. Also, there will be girls in bikinis! And anyone who watches is definitely not a traitor!"
- George W. Bush, POTUS

Bush with Hogan, Hart and Mysterio

The new single called 'What you better talk about now" will debut during the first airing of "WWE Congressional Smackdown." The actual event will air every Wednesday beginning in June and will feature a WWE superstar wrestling up to three members of congress with the lowest popularity rating. However, the President still retains his veto so we can expect to see mostly Democrats in the ring. White House Press secretary Scott Mclellan tells us more:

"The American people are bored with the usual type of politics. People are bored with the war in Iraq, they're bored with the President's cute habit of saying stupid things but most of all, they're bored with the word terror, we've just said it too many times. The President realized that we needed some kind of distraction for our plans to come to fruition and the WWE Congressional Smackdown is it.
- Scott Mclellan, White House Press Secretary

So Beer, Scantily Clad Women, and Wrestling seems to be the order of the day. This marks a major turning point in the current GOP's political strategy, focusing on a positive distraction as opposed to the usual distraction of a society of fear. Is the fear all gone? Certainly not.

"Oh no, [laughs] are you kidding? We are still using fear. We're just hoping to create a new type of fear such as... "oh no, will Ted Kennedy die if Hogan gives him the pile driver?" Or "Uh Oh, if the President veto's Rick Santorum's fight than we wont get to see Trish Stratus in her underwear."
- Scott Mclellan, White House Press Secretary

Will this be a successful distraction for the American people? Well the upcoming Congressional elections may be a good indication.

On a side note, Mysterio, pictured above, injured three of Bush's aides with his flying Tomahawk. 2 are in stable condition with a broken wrist and leg respectively and one is in intensive care being watched for post-concussive syndrome. When asked the President laughed and said "Woooee! I guess that's a taste of what's to come!"

The Bglogogog, reporting live on location, Washington D.C.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Catherine the Great and Ivan the Terrible still alive.

The Floater Blog has uncovered some troubling yet fascinating news. Recent comments on this site by 'Catherine the Great' and 'Ivan the Terrible' led Floater Blog researchers (The Floaters) to investigate a Toronto area home. Upon breaking and entering The Floaters stumbled upon a scene of shock and awe as they managed to snap just one picture.

Ivan and Catherine with the Shovel Sisters

A group calling themselves the 'Shovel Sisters' has not only exhumed both Catherine the Great and Ivan the Terrible but they were harboring them as fugitives in their Toronto dwelling. After a short discussion the Sisters broke down and confessed all about their failed experiment with re-animation.

"It was a great idea. If we could reanimate Catherine the Great and Ivan the Terrible we would have the best of both types of leadership and could make a bid to take over the world. But it all went wrong, horribly wrong. During their re-unification process with modern times we discovered that Catherine the Great was not that great at all... she never cleans up after herself, she never actually cleans herself for that matter and she doesn't flush the toilet. And Ivan... oh... he is terrible... after you took that picture... we still haven't seen Aaron (The lost boy in the middle of the photo)."
- Robin Senior, gang leader, Shovel Sisters

Indeed it did go terribly wrong for the Shovel Sisters. If only they had had more control maybe Catherine and Ivan wouldn't have snuck onto the internet and posted on my blog. Maybe they both would not have fled the area, whereabouts unknown. And maybe, just maybe, we'd know where Aaron was.

On another note, the Floaters discovered that whoever posted a comment as 'Edward Longshanks' the long dead British Monarch is a fraud. Edward Longshanks is dead and gone and how dare you sully his name for your own humorous advances.

The Blooogerini, reporting live on location, Toronto, Ontario.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Hasselhoff moves in on Fault's girl!

Last week, the successful Toronto band, Franklin's Fault, announced it's 'Hibernation concert'. New babies, band members moving to Europe and band members starting careers out of the city were the reasons given for the hiatus. However the Floater Blog investigative team have uncovered a whole other reason for the band's break... and it will shock you.

David Hasselhoff has moved in on Kate-Ann Vandemeer, the bands lead singer and convinced her to leave the band and come to Germany. The two are now planning a debut album together as the band "Vandesselhoff" and have already begun a publicity drive.

Vandesselhoff Publicity Photo

"I just love his music. It's funny how for so many years you think you've been doing something wrong and then you find something that feels so right."
- Kate Ann Vandemeer, lead singer, Franklin's Fault

The rest of the band was, obviously, shocked to hear this.

"What the *&^# are you talking about? That's bull$#@#. ... Oh my god... it's true isn't it. [begins to weep] I should have known... it's all my fault, isn't it? [sobs] It's all my fault."
- Frank Cipolla, Drummer, Franklin's Fault

While deceptive, it appears at least part of the band's press release was true. There is a band member moving to Europe, there is a band member pursuing a career in another city and as for the new baby? Well... only time, 9 months, will tell.

The blooger, reporting live on location, Munich, Germany with a final promo video from the man himself.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Whitehouserocks!tar Games presents GTA: America

Whitehouserocks!tar games has released its first title with a bang. Grand Theft Auto: America hits shelves this spring and promises to be a best seller.

"This game is gonna revolutionize the world yo! All you kids out there gotta by this game cause it is the hip, dawg!"
- DJ K-rove, Whitehouserocks!tar games spokesperson

'The Dick' and his ho in Grand Theft Auto: America

The game is a first person shooter but unlike the other GTAs, GTA: America is all about strategy. You start the game as a gang member nicknamed 'The Dick'. You have just risen the ranks to Vice-Gman in your gang called 'The Elephant Assholes', which has just come to power over the big hood. Now here's where it gets challenging, the gang leader is mildly retarded.

You must use your serpent-like influence over the leader to score points in 3 main areas:
1) How much money you make from the poor folks in the hood
2) How much money you make from poor folks in other hoods
3) Finally how much money you can peronally steal from 'The Elephant Assholes' and, indirectly, all the poor folks. All without getting caught.

"It's all about strategy. You gotta make money.. but how? You can cheat the poor folks in the hood outta money, you can scare the money outta the poor folks, you can lie about starting a gang war and get money outta your poor folks AND somebody else's poor folks, you can stab your friends in the back or you can shoot them in the face... whatever you need to do to get money. Gee!"
- DJ K-Rove, Whitehouserocks!tar games spokesperson

There are a number of hurdles on the way though: your semi-retarded leader can get out of line and say something stupid... or a lot of stupid things, you might discover you have a lesbian daughter when you've said yourself that 'it's gay to be gay, yo,' you might sell one of your lowly gang members out to the police cause he pissed you off, then have to have your best g-man lie about it to save you some jail time, you might use a gang war as an excuse to start selling your drugs in another territory and then get caught doing it, etc. etc.

Clearly this is a game for the GTA thinkers. Some say it's a cheap ploy by the usually 'rich white adult' oriented Whitehouserocks!tar games to garner some of the coveted younger market. Time will tell if it's a ploy that works.

With special thanks to Kris Poon and Kate Ann Vandapapsmear for helping to break the story,

This is the Blogastair, reporting live on location, Washington D.C.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Gillete introduces new razor: 'Fusiocotolopugus'

Gillete has introduced plans to publish the announcement of a proclamation to reveal the future of shaving: 'The Fusioctolopugus.' With a whopping 19 blades Gillete's new razor promises to eradicate hair upon contact with the 'Fusioctolopugus.' (Pronounced Fue-zhoc-oh-tall-awpahgus)

"We were really hoping to create a razor that would change the way people live. I believe our new 'Fusioctolopugus' has done that. With 3 blades we changed the concept of shaving, with 5 blades we changed the whole face of shaving, now with 19 blades we are changing the world."
- Gillette CEO James M. Kilts

Gillete has released test results from this new 'energy enhancing shaving device' which indicate that the 'Fusioctolopugus' is 12 times better than the leading competitor at leaving you with a smooth face. It is 17 times more likely to make you a better man and 150 times more likely to make you a sexier person.

"Yes, obviously with this type of a high performance product there are going to be some sexual benefits. But we are really trying to downplay those. We feel the product can stand on it's own merit and we don't need sex to sell this 'high-performance sex delivery vehicle' and I think you will see our publicity reflects that."
- Gillette CEO James M. Kilts

The new 'Fusioctolopugus'

One spokesman for the Gillette Company remarked that he had just tried the 'Fusiocotolopugus' for the first time, when he accidentally slept with 63 women over the next 48 hours. Further tests by Gillette revealed there may be a link between using this 'member endowment tool' and becoming a better athlete. Furthermore, Gillette scientists have discovered that by using the 'Fusioctolopugus' you are 10 times less likely to contract cancer and you're 25 times more likely to own a yacht.

"We found that the type of people who are likely to use this 'Cottage real-estate facilitator' are generally more successful and happy with themselves. Gillette analyzed a cross-section of people who will not use this product and found those type of people to have a tendency toward raping or baby killing. So it seems a pretty obvious choice... are you a successful and happy person or are you not going to buy this razor because you're a rapist?"
-Gillette CEO James M. Kilts

How much of this is hype? How much of this is fact? Only time will tell, but I'll tell you one thing... this Floater Blog journalist is going to buy a 'Fusioctolopugus'... because he's not a rapist.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Boston, Massachusetts.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Albertan University Professor leaves job to become a character in comic strip 'Cathy'

Nick Hanson, Drama Professor at the University of Lethbridge, has decided to leave his job to become a character in the somewhat popular cartoon strip 'Cathy'.

"I love Cathy. I've always loved Cathy and we will finally be together now. I've been waiting my whole life for this."
- Nicholas Hanson, Professor U. Lethbridge

A few months ago Hanson put together his life's work and made a proposal to the producers of the kind-of-well-known Cathy cartoon. His proposal: To become a character in the cartoon, but not like you'd expect.

"No, the idea is not for me to become a character in Cathy's story, but rather a character that comments on Cathy's story. That way the experience for the reader will be enhanced as my comments will act as a guide for the reader who isn't as knowledegable with the Cathy universe as I am. [giggles]"
- Nicholas Hanson, Professor U. Lethbridge

Prof. Hanson spices up 'The New Cathy' (click on photo for larger image)

The new Cathy series will be entitled 'The New Cathy' and will begin syndication immediately. Hanson hopes the series will gain a new found respect after his comments are added.

When asked, his students seemed to feel this was a good choice for the professor:

"Are you serious? He's actually going to be in the cartoon? That is so pathetic. Well at least I won't be paying for his stupid class anymore... how can you learn drama if you're just re-enacting Cathy cartoons all the time? He won't even let us make up our own Cathy cartoons, says we'll sully her good name. That is such bulls***."
- Anonymous student at University of Lethbridge

Hanson says he is sad to leave an environment where he is so well-liked but hopes he will find greener pastures and millions of adoring middle-aged women fans like himself.

The Bloooogeeeerrr, reporting on location, Lethbridge, Alberta

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Loch Ness discovered to be an evil ploy by Dick Cheney!

In a shocking discovery, journalists at the Floater Blog have uncovered evidence that the famed Loch Ness Monster is in fact a Monster Truck. Shocked and outraged citizens of Fort Augustus are furious at having been Dick Cheney’s patsy for so long. Shown below is a picture of the famed Loch Ness Monster photo:

Famed Loch Ness Monster Photo taken 1948

Recent breakthroughs in computer research discovery technology have allowed the journalists here at the Floater Blog to make a researched discovery and uncover a devious ploy. By zooming in on the above picture we discovered that what appears to be 'humps' in the original photo are actually parts of a Monster Truck called 'The Loch Ness Monster.. truck."

Close-up of 'humps' reveals Monster Truck

Further delving into the technical detective universe we researched a discovery called 'Google' and using this unparalleled technology we managed to locate the perpetrator:

Dick Cheney posing with his small 'Loch Ness Monster...Truck'

Cheney himself immediately caved upon being presented with this overwhelming evidence:

“I was just trying to create an element of fear in the surrounding towns. I was running for Lairdship and needed a way to control the masses, but it back-fired [begins to sob uncontrollably] they… they all laughed at it… they thought it was some hokey joke. Even now… tourists go to see my ‘scary monster.’ [Suddenly becomes very serious and looks right at interviewer] But I got my revenge... didn’t I? I got my revenge! DIDN’T I? SAY IT! SAY ‘I GOT MY REVENGE’ [slaps reporter in the mouth, who is then removed from the premises by secret service].”
-Dick Cheney, VP of the United States

Cheney later admitted that it was on his long forays driving through Loch Ness that he first came up with the plan to shoot his friend in the face.

These unfortunate allegations are appearing just days after the President met with success when he won the ‘Best Douchebag’ award at the Oscars. Needless to say the spin machine is in full affect as the White House tries to deflect blame away from their man, deciding to go with the story of an Elephant as the most convincing cover-up.

Reporting live from Washington with a split lip, The Bloogerbloog

Monday, March 06, 2006

George W. Bush wins 'Best Douchebag' at the Oscars.

In a not so surprising surprise, George W. Bush won the 'Best Douchebag' category at the Oscars for the sixth year in a row. This is his seventh 'Best Douchebag' award (1972-73 for deserting the Air National Guard and being a general douchebag).

Many thought this was the year that George would lose the award as the competition was fierce. Dick Cheney was nominated and in strong contention after shooting his friend in the face and then lying about it. And that was on top of his usual, always strong, douchebaggery. The final nominee was Barbara Bush. Having married a douchebag and raised another douchebag many thought she would win it with her strong douchebag values that she has helped to instill in her family of douchebags.

George W. Bush - Winner 'Best Douchebag'
(click on picture for larger image)

But the Academy is a traditional beast and true to form they felt that this year George W. Bush 'most exemplified the qualities and physical attributes of a douchebag.' And who could argue with that? From secret prisons across Eastern European nations, videotapes proving he lied about the government's knowledge of Hurricane Katrina, having one of his staffers indicted for covering up evidence of lying about the war in Iraq, having a worldwide poll verify America's tanked reputation, being caught unconstitutionally wire-tapping millions of Americans, working up a 7 trillion dollar debt and, of course, being short and very douchebag-like.

Congratulations George you douchebag, on another 'Best Douchebag' year!

The Bolologger

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Crazed Canadian climbs Big Ben, causes Billions in damages.

The first day of March always brings in a few surprises but few thought they would ever witness something like this in their lifetime. A Canadian man, Graeme Stewart has climbed Big Ben (yes, the Big Ben in London England) causing over two hundred thousand pounds worth of damage to the clock itself and billions to investors in the London Stock Exchange.

At 2pm local time Graeme Stewart ascended the face of Big Ben, unnoticed and perched atop the hour hand of the famous clock. His weight, which can only be described as extraordinary, forced the hour hand forward and in a span of 15 minutes the distinguished donger was 2 and half hours fast.

Crazed Stewart perching atop Big Ben

If the damage to the clock was the only consequence, this episode would probably seem more funny than alarming. But sadly, all of London sets their time by Big Ben including the renowned London Stock Exchange, which on March 1st closed a full hour and 45 minutes early due to a 'malfunctioning clock.' The last hour and a half of trading is typically the busiest time with over a billion and half pounds moved in that period. A staggering amount of pounds to lay stagnant because of a crazed clock climber.

Further damage was done to London's Public Hydro industry as the entire city turned out their lights a full two hours and fifteen minutes early costing the government millions in unearned revenue. Prime Minister Blair was quoted as saying:

"That daft bugger, I should take my torch and club him into the jam sandwich myself. Once he's winkin in the clink like a dog-end he'll be using a zimmer by the time we're done with 'im"
- Prime Minister Tony Blair

The Prime Minister couldn't be reached for further comment as he went to bed early.

Perhaps the strangest part of this strange affair is why the culprit was clad only in a bathing suit, flip flops and girly bandana. When asked, as he was being led away by the bobbies, Stewart replied "I sweat a lot." And the towel? "To wipe the sweat from my eyes and hands." Well at least he thought that far ahead.

The Blooogerblogger, reporting on location, London, England.