Saturday, December 09, 2006

Environmental Protection Agency catches toxic waste dumpers!

In a great coup, the Environmental Protection Agency for the United States has discovered an illegal dumping site for radioactive waste.

"This is a great day for the agency. Critics have been saying for some time now that our organization is ineffective and a patsy for big business... well, I say those critics have been silenced with a resounding 'We DO care about the Environment!' The EPA has an ever watchful eye, so watch out illegal dumpers, we're on to you!"
- Steve Johnson, Administrator for the Environmental Protection Agency

In perhaps the dumbest quote of his career, Steve Johnson reiterated his belief in the agency's investigative prowess. In reality, the EPA was in San Francisco for an 'Environmental Products' Convention. Upon returning to Headquarters they were looking through their photos of the convention and they discovered that while taking a photo of Everett Smith (EPA Headquarters employee) they had inadvertently acquired photographic evidence of an illegal dump site. Sure enough, they returned to San Francisco and discovered that during the convention they had failed to notice thousands of barrels of Toxic Waste being buried directly into the floor of the Moscone Convention Center directly behind them.

The now famed evidence photo

"To me, it just sounded like they were doing construction. It was annoying. They were pretty loud and I had to go back there a few times and ask them to be quiet. No one takes the EPA seriously so we always get the worst locations on the floor. ......Well, sure, it seems obvious now, but I wasn't looking for toxic waste at the time. I just thought the Blue Suits were part of a company uniform. Hindsight 20/20 I guess."
- Everett Smith, EPA Headquarters, employee

While the EPA is calling this a great coup, they still have no idea who dumped the toxic waste. The only evidence they had to go on is the 'US Department of Defense' labels on each of the barrels.

"It's a total mystery but one we hope to solve. However, our immediate concern is to safely re-bury the barrels in the convention floor. It is a real pain in the ass to get rid of radioactive waste and to the dumpers credit, the Moscone Convention Center floor is as good a place as any."
- Steve Johnson, Administrator for the Environmental Protection Agency

The owners of the Moscone Convention Center are furious and want the radioactive waste removed but Johnson insists that his 'hand are tied'. However, he hopes this incident will restore some of the public's faith in the beleaguered agency but so far it has had no effect on the Agency's dismal reputation.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Moscone Convention Center, San Francisco

Sunday, December 03, 2006

New Liberal Leader Claims Win Was 'Magic'; Comment Sparks Controversy.

Stephane Dion was crowned the new leader of the Liberal Party yesterday. Unfortunately, the Liberal Party's excitement at ending its leadership woes were short lived as Dion only lasted 4 minutes in the seat of power before sparking a religious controversy during his acceptance speech.

"I feel incredibly honored to be here. And let's give a big hand to my esteemed opponents. [crowd cheers loudly] I came into this race as an underdog against two powerhouses. To end up winning... in a come from behind victory [crowd cheers]... there is only one explanation for this great victory: Magic! It's a magical night for the Liberals! [crowd falls into a stunned silence]"
- Stephane Dion, official Leader of the Opposition and Leader of the Liberal Party.

Dion's admission to not only a belief in magic but to using his dark Pagan art to influence the election came as quite a shock to the crowd of seventeen thousand on hand to witness the event.

"I'm stunned. We'd talked about his beliefs and morals many times in the run up to the election but he never mentioned anything about being a practicing warlock. Frankly, it's frightening. I hope he didn't put a hex on me."
- Mark Marissen, Stephane Dion's national campaign manager

Further investigation into Dion's past revealed disturbing evidence of his Pagan Magic.

Photo of Dion practicing his Dark Pagan Arts, most likely, to
have U.S. Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice succumb to his bidding.

Officials realize that the results of the election are now cast into doubt but are afraid that taking any action may anger Dion and he may turn them into snakes, sicken them with the plague or even sacrifice them to a higher god by eating their flesh.

The Conservative party were quick to criticize the new found leader by calling him a witch (an insult to a male practitioner of magic as it is akin to saying 'you throw your magic like a girl'). However, the Conservative Party were also quick to adopt Pagan Protection Rituals. Prime Minister Stephen Harper is taking no chances and is slaughtering a baby pig everyday and hanging it from his door in the hopes that the blood will cleanse his home of magic.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Palais des Congrais, Montreal, Quebec

Friday, November 24, 2006

Xbox 360 vs. PS3 Which is stronger?

Gamers all over the world are rushing to the stores this Christmas to purchase one of the 'next-generation' of gaming consoles. The big question is which console is stronger? The Floater Blog takes an in depth look at the two big systems: The Xbox 360 and the Playstation 3.

The performance of these consoles has been looked at a number of ways but we here at the Floater Blog felt the best benchmark would be to compare the strength of the two consoles. The results will surprise you.

The Xbox 360 easily holds seventy pounds while the PS3 looks on with obvious Jealousy.

Hold: The first test was simply to see how much weight they could hold. While it seemed the PS3 with it's wider stance would dominate this category, its cheap plastic crumbled under only 56 pounds while the Xbox 360 easily lifted and held 70 pounds.
Advantage: Xbox 360

The Tractor Pull: For this test we attached a 3.5 inch airplane cable to one end of a tractor trailer and the other end to the console. The results were very poor. Neither the Xbox 360 nor the Playstation 3 managed to move the Tractor at all. In fact both consoles just sat there, impervious to the crowds cheering them on, until the time expired.
Advantage: None

The Weight Catch: A popular test on the World's Strongest Man series, we would throw medicine balls with increasing weight at the competitors and whoever could catch and hold the heaviest ball would win. To be frank, both consoles were terrible at this competition. Starting with only a 55 pound medicine ball the Xbox 360 cracked under the pressure and literally blew apart. It did not appear to even attempt to catch the ball. The PS3 fared marginally better, as it too cracked under the lightest of medicine balls. However, the PS3 managed to cup and hold the ball with the inside of it's outer shell casing thus completing 1 catch.
Advantage: PS3

Tug O' War:
Using a standard 10 stone Mariners Rope each console would attempt to pull the other console over the winner's line. This test of strength quickly became a test of endurance as neither console was able to gain an immediate advantage. In fact each console managed to hold their exact starting positions for a whopping 6 days, 12 hours and 13 minutes before the competition was declared a tie. The mathematical probability of two competitors in this competition facing off with an absolutely even matched pull strength is astronomical but for the two competitors to also posses the exact same incredible endurance is just unreal. We truly witnessed something special and all of us who were there will certainly never forget those exciting six and a half days.
Advantage: None.

The Stronger Console: None.
Our empirical evidence proves that neither console is over matched. There have been many reports claiming that one console is stronger than the other but we can say, without a doubt, that those reports are blatantly false. If you are looking to purchase one of these consoles we would recommend first asking yourself what is more important to you: Holding heavy weights or being able to catch heavy balls? And make a choice based on our results. If, instead, you're looking at tractor pulling or tug o' wars there is no clear advantage either way. Sony and Microsoft have fought hard for your money but this test just goes to show, once again, that it all comes down to personal preference.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Floater Blog Testing Facility, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Air Force One makes emergency landing, Bush wins bet

Say what you want about President Bush but he puts his money where his mouth is... i.e. on his face. (He has been known to place rolled one dollar bills under his nose and exclaim "Look at me, I'm a rich white guy!) Sen. Johnny Isakson found this out the hard way. The Senator from Georgia joined Mr. Bush Wednesday, on Air Force One en route to Washington. Apparently the episode started when the two politicians began discussing which State has the best Chili. Heated words were exchanged until President Bush bet the Senator that he could kill a Possum with one fart after eating a bowl of Texas Chili. Never a man to back down from a challenge, the Senator not only accepted the wager but swore he would raise the age of sexual consent to 35 in Georgia if he lost.

He lost.

Sen. Isakson looks on disappointingly as the Possum slowly dies.

A short 22 minutes after a quick bowl of Texan Chili, President Bush exceeded all expectations by flatulating for a personal best 76 straight seconds in the general direction of the Possum (brought on board for just such occasions). The Possum quickly asphyxiated and Bush declared himself the winner.

There was some confusion at first as Isakson claimed the Possum was only 'playing' dead however as soon as he stepped within three feet of the Possum and the fumes, Isakson himself asphyxiated and had to be taken to the hospital.

The noxious fumes quickly spread throughout Air Force One resulting in an emergency landing in Galveston to fumigate the plan. All in all the President's lack of foresight resulted in the hospitalization of 3 Senators, 22 Staffers, 3 Secret Service Agents, 1 Pilot and 12 White House Reporters. However, as the President himself said, "What's in a few respiratory failures... compared to.... having... proving that Texans make the best Chili? I'll tell you, A dead Possum."

On a brighter note, Isakson has made a full recovery and has kept true to his word and raised the age of Sexual Consent in Georgia to 35, much to the delight of parents and chagrin of Georgian children.

- The Blogastair, reporting live from the Galveston Island Airport, Galveston, Texas

Friday, November 10, 2006

Sen. Pat Roberts declares war on Noontime Hunger

Senator Pat Roberts has declared war on 'Noontime Hunger'; an epidemic that is sweeping across the nation. The Republican Senator from Kansas is currently chair to the Senate Intelligence Committee but says that he uncovered this terrorist plot all on his own.

"I started to notice the epidemic in September of this year. You see because of the upcoming elections I had to start coming into the office earlier, at 9:30am for a full 6 hour day. So for the first time, I noticed that around 11 or 1130am (the time I usually arrive for work) productivity would drop dramatically. Attitudes changed, talking at the water cooler became monosyllabic and in a couple of extreme cases people were actually short with each other. It seemed everybody was suspiciously becoming hungry at the same time."
- Pat Roberts, Republican Senator for Kansas

The Hon. Senator from Kansas went on to make a few phone calls and was shocked to discover that his office was not the only one suffering from this epidemic, in fact it had become a national problem. And for all the Senator knows, these symptoms may have spread across the world (The United States Senate has no contact with the world outside of the United States so he has no way of checking this).

Pat Roberts at a 'War on Hunger' Rally in Kansas

After reporting his findings to the Senate Intelligence Committee it didn't take long for them to deduce that only the Terrorists could be behind such a heinous epidemic.

"Well once we put the facts together, it was fairly obvious. What are the chances that almost every one of the 150 million or so in the workforce would become hungry at the same time everyday? Without some kind of outside influence... the chances are nil. I'll admit the Terrorists have scored big on this one. We can't figure out what kind of Bioterrorist weapon they are using but we can change the results."
- Pat Roberts, Republican Senator for Kansas

The Senate Intelligence Committee has begun an educational campaign to counteract this terrorist act. Americans are encouraged to eat as much as they can as often as they can to prevent the symptoms of hunger. Companies like McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger King have all come forward with generous offers of assistance.

"Just remember, every time you are cranky, tired or weak from hunger, or even when you go out to lunch at noon... the terrorists are winning. So please, America, go to these generous restaurants and buy as much food as you can and eat it, right now. And don't ever stop eating. God Bless."
- Pat Roberts, Republican Senator for Kansas

The Senate Intelligence Committee is drafting a final report of this problem and is tabling a proposal to invade the oil fields of Argentina.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, The United States Senate, Washington, D.C.

Friday, November 03, 2006

'Tiny Ghosts' haunt Toronto Man's House

Brad Lepp is much like any other Torontonian 364 days of the year but on that 365th day, Brad Lepp turns into a terrified, shivering, ball of crying and snot. Brad's transforms into this blubbering ball of sniveling because of the ethereal spirits that haunt his home every year on October 31st.

"I love Toronto, and I love my home. It's just that one day of the year... I don't know why these spirits haunt me but... it frightens me [sniffs]... [sobs uncontrollably]."
- Brad Lepp, Toronto Home Owner and Target of Evil Spirits.

It seems that this has been happening for every one of Brad's thirty something years despite his continuing efforts to ward the spirits off with charms, spells and hocus pocus.

"The wards are built around the idea of scaring the ghosts away. So, I carve scary faces in the front of large pieces of fruit (I used to use pineapples but pumpkins seem to work better). I hang scary bats, cobweb, witches, vampires... you name it. All in the hopes they'll think the house belongs to a much scarier monster. But it never works. In fact, it's getting worse. It seems the more I do to protect my home, the more ghosts come to haunt me.
- Brad Lepp, Toronto Home Owner and Crybaby.

Brad Lepp stands confused amongst the many 'wards' around his house.

Perhaps the spookiest aspect of this frightening tale is the type of ghosts haunting Mr. Lepp's house.

"I get ghosts that look like witches, goblins, pirates... a lot of pirates this year. Even SpongeBob Square Pants! You wouldn't think TV characters would have their own ghosts but believe me they do. The only thing the ghosts have in common is they all seem to be tiny. I can tell you now, if you haven't seen a ghost before, they are usually no bigger than three or four feet in height... but still incredibly frightening."
- Brad Lepp, Home Owner and Possible Mental Patient

Mr. Lepp has no plans to sell his home vowing that next year his wards would be bigger and scarier. The City of Toronto has begun an investigation into this paranormal activity.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Brad Lepp's 'Monster' House, Toronto, ON

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Special Report: Blogastair designs a T-Shirt!

The Floater Blog is a highly respectable news source and would like to assure its readers that it will never sell out for a petty or insignificant plug of any of its writers. Which is why we now bring to you the IMPORTANT AND SIGNIFICANT NEWS THAT BLOGASTAIR HAS DESIGNED A T-SHIRT!!!!

My Submission

That's right dear readers, it's called 'Evolution' and it's on (Click on the graphic above) A fantastic T-Shirt site that prints 7 shirts every week based on votes from its users. A great idea and a great site!! So go now and vote for the T-Shirt!!! Believe me it has nothing to do with the large cash price Blogastair would receive if his Tee receives high enough votes and everything to do with giving you, the reader, the gift of voting this wonderful T-Shirt a '5' (and checking the 'I would buy this T-Shirt' box).

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, the home of Blogastair, Toronto, Ontario