Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Floater Blog investigates Giantess sightings in New York!

For the first time ever the entire Floater Blog staff (all 53 investigative reporters) will be flying en masse to New York in order to personally witness reports of a wandering Giantess. Sadly, it means the Floater Blog will not be updated until their return on June 1st. (And The Floater Blog politely asks its readers to withhold from conducting a 7 day hunger vigil complete with self-mortification like last time).

The Giantess apparently wandered lost and confused into the city sometime around the beginning of May. Scientists are dubbing the creature "Lindsay Forbes" and have actually created an entirely new classification of mammal for Forbes called the Garga-giant.

"We get all types here in New York. You got a problem with that? So she's a Garga-giant? What's your $$$$ing point? I see $$$$ing midgets, $$$$ing bearded ladies, $$$$ing arm for a nose men and $$$$ing half-man half-horse people on my way to work everyday! And you come in here asking me about some Garga$$$$ingGiant? $$$$, you pricks piss me off you know that?"
- Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York

Despite the government's official statement of 'un-interest' in the matter, civilians have flocked to information about the Garga-giant. Many New Yorkers have taken pains to photograph the beast while running away from it in a panic. Here are some of those shots now:

Gargantuan Forbes perusing the NY Library

Lindsay the Giantess causing panic and confusion in Times Square

Gynormous Forbes wading drunkenly across the Hudson River

Imagine New Yorker's surprise when one-day a male Garga-Giant happened to appear alongside the beast.

"The Lindsay Forbes beast must have been giving off that strange musky scent in order to attract a mate. Of course she inadvertantly bathed the entire city in a milky haze. Simply remarkable."
Rune Feldenbergstien, Top Mammalian Research Scientist, NASA

Garga-giant Lindsay with her Garga-giant mate

What does this mean for New York? The Floater Blog intends to find out however, a more telling question might be: What does this mean for mankind as a whole?

- The Bloogerini, reporting live on location, 7 blocks away from the Chrysler building, New York, New York

Friday, May 19, 2006

Tony Snow is Grand Wizard, level 54

Tony Snow, the new White House Press Secretary, gave his first public address yesterday. Reporters were shocked to find that he is a Grand Wizard... a level 54 Grand Wizard that is.

"We hired Tony because of his special abilities that we thought were well suited to the press room."
- Dick Cheney, Vice-President of the United States and Dungeon Master to the President's Monday night D&D game.

Tony's biography lists his special abilities as:
  • Ice Ray 12 (Deals 80 x 12 damage. Special Bonus: only consumes 5 MPs)
  • Slither Tongues 27 (+350% chance of persuasion)
  • The White Out (Blizzard blinds opponents, +275% chance to flee. Special Bonus: Deals 20 damage to each opponent)
Even more disconcerting than Snow's Raw Power is the fact that over the past 6 years the White House has denied entry to any reporter that is above a Level 3 Grunt. Simply put, the reporters don't have a chance.

Tony Snow 'Ices' another reporter

"I'm shocked, his Charisma and Intelligence levels are off the charts. And with the terrible Resist levels of those Level 1, 2 and 3 Grunts in the Press Room, I don't know how we are going to hear anything other than lies."
- Stewart Deepoindle, Creative Editor, Wizard's Lair Magazine

Experts estimate Tony Snow's character profile to look like this:

HP: 123 (Hit Points)
MP: 672 (Magic Points)
STR: 78 (Strength, for when he melees)
INT: 1457 (Intelligence, controls power of Magic)
WIS: 887 (Wisdom, controls number of spells)
CHR: 2046 (Charisma, ability to influence others)

High numbers to be sure but it certainly explains why in his first briefing he managed to use the racial term 'Tar Baby' without repercussion.

Experts estimate Snow draws his strength from the ever present snowing cloud situated just above his head. One can only hope to find a Wizard or a Cleric with a strong enough Hot Air Spell to blow the cloud away and save the day for us mere mortals.

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washington, D.C.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Queen visits Vancouver, relegated to kids' table.

Queen Elizabeth II made a surprise Mother's Day visit to Vancouver, B.C. today when she unexpectedly dropped by for tea at the Newland's household. Unfortunately, it appears her manners weren't up to snuff as shortly thereafter she was relegated to the kids' table.

"I've always said to my kids. You've got to be ready with good manners, in case the Queen drops by for tea. What kind of a Mother would I be if I did not hold the Queen to the same standards as my children?"
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer

The offense in question was 'elbows on the table.' Nora made sure to point it out by politely remarking 'Mable Mable elbows on the table.' To which, Queen Elizabeth II, ever the elegant wit, replied, 'isn't this a horse's stable?' Nora, catching the bull by the horns, answered: 'No, it's a first class dining table. And you can now spend the rest of tea at the Kids' table thinking about what you've done.'

Nora and Nan enjoying tea and dinner while
Queen Elizabeth scolds children for 'getting into her purse.'

The Queen's own spokesperson remarked that she had been flying and drinking all day which may have been the cause of her gaff but assured Nora, that should the Queen ever be invited back, it wouldn't happen again.

For Nora's part, would the Queen would be invited back?

"She needs to spend some time thinking about manners. Once I see that she has really thought about what she has done and made an effort to improve than we'll see about having her back."
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer

Despite the gaff, the Mother's Day was a pleasant one at the Newland's household with Nora remarking once again:

"Oh, my son is definitely my favorite child, I don't care much for the other two. They could at least improve their manners."
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Newland's Household, Vancouver B.C. Happy Mothers Day Mom.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Stephen Harper fights with his publicist.

Stephen Harper is fighting with his publicist. In yet another example of the current government's ear wetness, a proposed ad campaign has been delayed for another six months due to disagreements over the content.

The Conservative government hired a Toronto based Marketing firm to create an ad-campaign to increase their popularity, especially with younger voters. The Firm, OBG inc. (Oldies but Goodies) has decided to piggy back the ipod's success with a 'Think Different' campaign for Stephen Harper. The company drew up samples, used focus groups and conducted surveys. All signs pointed to a 'Go' but what the signs were really pointing to was a 'Stop! Let me read that. Think diff... What the &%$@?'

Harper refused to use the 'Think Different' slogan unless they included his second, less potent, addendum:

One of the first failed prototypes.

"Well obviously we're not going to use that slogan without an addendum. I'm not gay."
- Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada

OBG decided against going ahead with Harper's addendum. So a new slogan was decided upon which just as quickly had its own addendum and was just as quickly scrapped. Other failed slogans and their addendums include:

  • "Harper: he's your man." ad: "But not in a homosexual way."
  • "Harper, Just Do it." ad: "The 'it' isn't sex. Especially not gay sex."
  • "Call him the Hammer." ad: "But not a tool. Especially not a gay tool."
  • "Vote Harper." ad: "I'm not gay."
"I just don't see how any of our ads have anything to do with any kind of homosexual issue let alone whether or not the Prime Minister is gay."
- Ron Teel, Executive Director, OBG Inc.

Ron Teel was fired shortly after making that last comment which caused more delays in the already backed-up campaign. With their room in the polls shrinking these green Conservatives are becoming a tad frustrated. One thing they're not though, is gay.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Parliament HIll, Ottawa, Ontario

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

NHL awards Hart Trophy to Alastair Forbes

In an unprecedented move, the NHL announced today that it would be awarding the Hart Trophy (Most Valuable Player) to Alastair Forbes, a Torontonian writer, Actor and journalist for the Floater Blog who does not even play in the NHL.

"We recognize that this is an unusual step however when you look at the athletic capabilities of Alastair and what amazing things he could have done if he decided to play in the NHL it just makes sense. The NHL needs a young, vibrant, incredibly attractive MVP and that's what we are getting with Alastair Forbes."
- Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner

Forbes beat out competitive hopefuls in Jaromir Jagr and Joe Thornton to win the Hart Trophy. They also decided that rather than awarding the Vezina Trophy (Best Goaltender) to the most boring player to watch in hockey (MIkka Kiprussoff), to give it to Forbes as a bonus even though he would have played Center or Right Wing.

Hart and Vezina Trophy Winner, Alastair Forbes

"We had been scouting Forbes for a long time. Ever since his school days when he would absolutely dominate the ball hockey competitions we knew he had something special in him. There is no doubt that had he been playing this year he would have beat out Thornton and Jagr for the trophy, so why not just call a spade a spade and do what's right."
- Bill Daly, NHL Vice-President

The Floater Blog wishes to extend a huge congratulation for what would have been a lot of hard work had Forbes played in the NHL. Congratulations Alastair, you deserve it.

- The Blogastair, reporitng live on location, Hockey Hall of Fame, Toronto, Ontario

Friday, May 05, 2006

Theatre Smash is good... a ... little.. too... good?

TheatreSmash is the hottest new theatre company on the Toronto scene. With a successful friendraiser, fundraiser and an upcoming show, 'Tiny Dynamite,' that promises to be spectacular they have a promising future. This company is good... the Floater Blog asks... is it too good?

One of the esteemed Floater Blog Reporters was hired to shoot photos at the aforementioned Friendraiser and needless to say he was surprised when one of the photos of Co-Artistic directors Ashlie Corcoran and Sarah Baumann came back looking like this:

The true nature of these Artistic Directors is revealed

It appears that inadvertently Alastair Forbes has stumbled upon the key to Theatre Smash's success: Sub-Sonic-Refracting-Brain-Waves or Subsonrefractibrainwaves for short. Subsonrefractibrainwaves are invisible to the naked eye because they vibrate at such an incredible level. So fast, in fact, they still appear to be vibrating in the still photograph pictured above.

"I was just lucky to get the shot. A lot if it probably had to do with the fact that they were so close together which over-radiated their Subsonrefractibrainwaves."
- Alastair Forbes, Floater Blog Journalist and Brain-wave enthusiast.

What do Subsonrefractibrainwaves signify? Dr. Jara Jansen explains:

"Up until now Subsonrefractibrainwaves have only been a far-fetched theory. They are supposed to be a by-product of almost god-like brain power and were only ever associated with extra-terrestrials."
-Dr. Jara Janse, Neurastrophysicist, NASA

Do Ashlie Corcoran and Sarah Baumann possess god-like brain power? It would certainly explain Theatre Smash's phenomenal success thus far. Is this fair? Or is it a bit like Superman becoming a professional boxer? Theatre Smash released this statement after the Floater Blog asked for a comment:

"Oooohp... ehp Owp, Bzgooach EEEEEExthurkOOOOOO... (continues for 30 minutes in this fashion)"
- Ashlie Corcoran and Sarah Baumann, Co-founders, Theatre Smash

It would be pertinent to mention, that the mesage was released... INTO SPACE VIA A TELSONEX X3000 SATELLITE TRANSMITTER. If nothing else, this points to their fall show being absolutely, pardon the pun, out of this world.

Actually don't pardon the pun. It was intentional. We're that good.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, The Mojave Desert, Southern California, United States.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Whitehouse to release series of Children's books

Karl Rove, the architect behind both of the current President's election campaigns, is gearing up for 2008. With George W. Bush's popularity rating at a record low, Rove has introduced a series of children's books which reflect the party's policies.

"The idea here is to present a good-ol fashioned homely way of bringing our message to the people. If the parents are reading these books to their kids at night, it can be an entertaining
learning experience for the child and the parent. Our hope is for these books to exceed Harry Potter in popularity, and I believe they will because they're not blasphemous."
- Karl Rove, White House Deputy Chief of Staff

The Christmas Title of the Series.

The first books will be released in September and will follow the Holiday schedule of the year. Rove insists that while entertaining and educational the very lives of Americans may be at stake if the public doesn't read these books.

"Many Americans have started to forget the many dangers out there. America is constantly under attack from many different people. These books help to educate and prepare us for those attacks. Stay vigilant, don't be a traitor, read these books. Please."
- Karl Rove, White House Deputy Chief of Staff

Planned titles include:

  • No Oil? No Thanksgiving.
  • The Democratic Valentine's card that tried to make you Gay.
  • Jesus died on Easter, why can't you?
  • Independence is for Terrorists. Happy Dependence day!
The White House hopes to sell 40 million copies of the series in the first year. Revenues from the books will go directly to a trust fund for kids of the White House's Deputy Chief of Staff.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House, Washington D.C.