Friday, October 27, 2006

No Child Left Behind Act enters Phase II: The Work Placement Program

The 'No Child Left Behind Act' entered its second phase on October 1st of this year and so far Republicans are calling it a success.

"The whole point of the program was that every child would have an education and a job. Now we are at the point where we can streamline the process and provide a shorter education with more job time, which, in the short-run, will give our economy a nice boost before the elections."
- Margaret Spellings, U.S. Secretary of Education.

Randall, one of the many children in the program, on his first day of work.

For this phase of the program certain children have been earmarked as 'Educationally Incompatible' and will be found a job in the workforce much sooner than their peers, some as soon as Pre-school.

"This is for America's children who can't do stuff other kids have had to done.... Let's face it, heh, I mean some kids are stupid right? So if they ain't gonna done learn nothin... then let's get them workin... and payin taxes... and doin somethin that is right."
- George W. Bush, President of the United States

Some opponents of the plan are concerned that the children being earmarked for early job status are those that come from the lowest family incomes. Democrats are calling this a 'a 100 year step backward into child slavery' and the U.N. has put a travel advisory out to anyone traveling to the United States with children. However, the GDP has increased 3 percent since the program was put in place which suggests that while 6 year olds may only be a tiny portion of any worksite... it's a tiny bit more than they had before.

- The Blogerooni, reporting live on location, The White House, Washington, D.C.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Kim Jong Il apolizes for Nuclear test; reveals surprise condition for concessions

Kim Jong Il shocked the world today when he actually apologized for testing Nuclear Weapons. He then shocked high-level politicians when Kim Jong Il conditionally agreed to concessions set forth by the United Nations regarding North Korea's Nuclear program. However, perhaps the most shocked person today is George W. Bush who was in the midst of a press conference with Kim Jong Il when the North Korean Dictator revealed that his country would only agree to the U.N. concessions... 'if the American President can remove this stone from my hand.'

This picture was taken at the exact moment George W. Bush realized Kim Jong Il
wasn't joking about taking the stone out of his hand.

To his credit George W. Bush fought long and hard to get the stone out of Kim Jong Il's hand however his 'Texan Swagger' was no match for Kim Jong's 'Forty Years Of Professional Martial Arts Training'. The fight had to be stopped after a particularly rough exchange in which the President was thrown to the ground, stepped on and referred to as 'Kim Jong Il's Bitch.'

The President left in a huff and vowed to bring the full force of his military might to remove the stone from Kim Jong Il's hand.

"Kim's Young Eel... or whatever his name is... it's not important, better do to remember... that I am a man. A man... a particular type of man that has... I don't like to be messed around. And Kim, I would do to remember that if necessary comes to shove... America has nuclear weapons."
- George W. Bush, President of the United States of America

The North Korean Dictator was swift with his response:

"As I said, if the American President can take this stone out of my hand [reveals stone] than I will agree to U.N. concessions. As to the President's threat... I would like to once again apologize to the wolrd and the United Nations for our Nuclear test... but Mr. President, we now have them too."
- Kim Jong Il, Supremem Commander of the Korean People's Army

- The Blogastair, reporting live from the nuclear fallout cave, Pyongyang, North Korea

Friday, October 13, 2006

Mcdonald's Corporate Jet engages Swiss Air Force in Air to Air Combat!

Last month Switzerland dealt a crippling blow to McDonald's by passing a law which bans fast food from being sold to minors. Last night, McDonald's struck back. Hard.

In a shocking development one of McDonald's corporate jets entered Swiss airspace under the guise of 'conducting business' early last night. The jet then proceeded to shoot down two fighter jets from the Swiss Air Force who happened to be on route to a training mission. More fighters were scrambled and a dog fight ensued resulting in the loss of two more Swiss jets before the McDonald's plane fled the area.

Satellite Photo of the McDonald's Jet dodging a Swiss missile

"We just had no idea their jet had that kind of military capability. It was over before it started. I'll never eat a Big Mac again."
Matthias Weibel, Brigadier General of the Swiss Air Force

McDonald's released a statement to the press shortly after the attack:

"It's unfortunate it had to come to this but we will not negotiate with terrorists. They can keep our young Swiss hostage but we will continue to pursue military action against them until they release the minors of Switzerland to eat where they please."
- Jim Skinner, CEO McDonald's Corp

Effigies of Hamburgler and Ronald McDonald have been burned at public demonstrations across the country. Swiss President,
Moritz Leuenberger, has vowed to keep all the countries citizens safe from harm.

"Whether it be from trans-fat laden food or precision military strikes, the Government will protect you from McDonald's."
- Moritz Leuenberger, President of Switzerland

The Western world eagerly awaits the outcome of this corporate war as it will have a watershed effect on future international business.

- The Blogastair reporting live, Swiss Federal Council Chambers, Switzerland

Friday, October 06, 2006

Big Bird Burns his Nest Down, Big Egg dies.

In a tragic twist of fate, Big Bird, of Sesame Street Fame, burned his house down while playing with fire. A strong vocal oppenent of kids playing with fire, Big Bird had this to say:

"You know, it's something I've always said but to be honest I've never really believed it... [starts to cry] until now. I dunno... I just, I just had a lighter and it looked like fun and I... I ... Oh god what have I done. [sobs uncontrollably]
- Big Bird, Children's hero and resident of Sesame Street

Big Bird stands in shock amidst his burning house.

Tragically, Big Bird's Big Egg was inside the house under a heating lamp and was not able to be rescued in time. Apparently, Big Bird had taken a break from living on the semi-impoverished block of Sesame Street and rented a house in the Hamptons in order to help incubate his new egg.

"We see it all the time, guy sees a fire somewhere, he likes the flames and thinks he can make his own fire... ba da boom ba da bing your nest egg is burned to the ground. But this here... I mean the Bird's got no opposable thumbs and he still thinks it's a great idea to play with a lighter? It's just a shame."
- Nicholas Scoppetta, Fire Commisioner, New York Fire Department

For now Big Bird is struggling with his loss and has vowed to fight 'playing with fire' with fire. Concerened readers can make a donation to his "Fight playing with fire with fire" Fund. To help raise money for the cause Big Bird is auctioning off the world's largest hard-boiled egg on E-bay and all the proceeds will go directly to his fund.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Big Bird's Burned Nest, Hamptons, NY