Saturday, December 09, 2006

Environmental Protection Agency catches toxic waste dumpers!

In a great coup, the Environmental Protection Agency for the United States has discovered an illegal dumping site for radioactive waste.

"This is a great day for the agency. Critics have been saying for some time now that our organization is ineffective and a patsy for big business... well, I say those critics have been silenced with a resounding 'We DO care about the Environment!' The EPA has an ever watchful eye, so watch out illegal dumpers, we're on to you!"
- Steve Johnson, Administrator for the Environmental Protection Agency

In perhaps the dumbest quote of his career, Steve Johnson reiterated his belief in the agency's investigative prowess. In reality, the EPA was in San Francisco for an 'Environmental Products' Convention. Upon returning to Headquarters they were looking through their photos of the convention and they discovered that while taking a photo of Everett Smith (EPA Headquarters employee) they had inadvertently acquired photographic evidence of an illegal dump site. Sure enough, they returned to San Francisco and discovered that during the convention they had failed to notice thousands of barrels of Toxic Waste being buried directly into the floor of the Moscone Convention Center directly behind them.

The now famed evidence photo

"To me, it just sounded like they were doing construction. It was annoying. They were pretty loud and I had to go back there a few times and ask them to be quiet. No one takes the EPA seriously so we always get the worst locations on the floor. ......Well, sure, it seems obvious now, but I wasn't looking for toxic waste at the time. I just thought the Blue Suits were part of a company uniform. Hindsight 20/20 I guess."
- Everett Smith, EPA Headquarters, employee

While the EPA is calling this a great coup, they still have no idea who dumped the toxic waste. The only evidence they had to go on is the 'US Department of Defense' labels on each of the barrels.

"It's a total mystery but one we hope to solve. However, our immediate concern is to safely re-bury the barrels in the convention floor. It is a real pain in the ass to get rid of radioactive waste and to the dumpers credit, the Moscone Convention Center floor is as good a place as any."
- Steve Johnson, Administrator for the Environmental Protection Agency

The owners of the Moscone Convention Center are furious and want the radioactive waste removed but Johnson insists that his 'hand are tied'. However, he hopes this incident will restore some of the public's faith in the beleaguered agency but so far it has had no effect on the Agency's dismal reputation.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Moscone Convention Center, San Francisco

Sunday, December 03, 2006

New Liberal Leader Claims Win Was 'Magic'; Comment Sparks Controversy.

Stephane Dion was crowned the new leader of the Liberal Party yesterday. Unfortunately, the Liberal Party's excitement at ending its leadership woes were short lived as Dion only lasted 4 minutes in the seat of power before sparking a religious controversy during his acceptance speech.

"I feel incredibly honored to be here. And let's give a big hand to my esteemed opponents. [crowd cheers loudly] I came into this race as an underdog against two powerhouses. To end up winning... in a come from behind victory [crowd cheers]... there is only one explanation for this great victory: Magic! It's a magical night for the Liberals! [crowd falls into a stunned silence]"
- Stephane Dion, official Leader of the Opposition and Leader of the Liberal Party.

Dion's admission to not only a belief in magic but to using his dark Pagan art to influence the election came as quite a shock to the crowd of seventeen thousand on hand to witness the event.

"I'm stunned. We'd talked about his beliefs and morals many times in the run up to the election but he never mentioned anything about being a practicing warlock. Frankly, it's frightening. I hope he didn't put a hex on me."
- Mark Marissen, Stephane Dion's national campaign manager

Further investigation into Dion's past revealed disturbing evidence of his Pagan Magic.

Photo of Dion practicing his Dark Pagan Arts, most likely, to
have U.S. Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice succumb to his bidding.

Officials realize that the results of the election are now cast into doubt but are afraid that taking any action may anger Dion and he may turn them into snakes, sicken them with the plague or even sacrifice them to a higher god by eating their flesh.

The Conservative party were quick to criticize the new found leader by calling him a witch (an insult to a male practitioner of magic as it is akin to saying 'you throw your magic like a girl'). However, the Conservative Party were also quick to adopt Pagan Protection Rituals. Prime Minister Stephen Harper is taking no chances and is slaughtering a baby pig everyday and hanging it from his door in the hopes that the blood will cleanse his home of magic.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Palais des Congrais, Montreal, Quebec