Saturday, December 09, 2006

Environmental Protection Agency catches toxic waste dumpers!

In a great coup, the Environmental Protection Agency for the United States has discovered an illegal dumping site for radioactive waste.

"This is a great day for the agency. Critics have been saying for some time now that our organization is ineffective and a patsy for big business... well, I say those critics have been silenced with a resounding 'We DO care about the Environment!' The EPA has an ever watchful eye, so watch out illegal dumpers, we're on to you!"
- Steve Johnson, Administrator for the Environmental Protection Agency

In perhaps the dumbest quote of his career, Steve Johnson reiterated his belief in the agency's investigative prowess. In reality, the EPA was in San Francisco for an 'Environmental Products' Convention. Upon returning to Headquarters they were looking through their photos of the convention and they discovered that while taking a photo of Everett Smith (EPA Headquarters employee) they had inadvertently acquired photographic evidence of an illegal dump site. Sure enough, they returned to San Francisco and discovered that during the convention they had failed to notice thousands of barrels of Toxic Waste being buried directly into the floor of the Moscone Convention Center directly behind them.

The now famed evidence photo

"To me, it just sounded like they were doing construction. It was annoying. They were pretty loud and I had to go back there a few times and ask them to be quiet. No one takes the EPA seriously so we always get the worst locations on the floor. ......Well, sure, it seems obvious now, but I wasn't looking for toxic waste at the time. I just thought the Blue Suits were part of a company uniform. Hindsight 20/20 I guess."
- Everett Smith, EPA Headquarters, employee

While the EPA is calling this a great coup, they still have no idea who dumped the toxic waste. The only evidence they had to go on is the 'US Department of Defense' labels on each of the barrels.

"It's a total mystery but one we hope to solve. However, our immediate concern is to safely re-bury the barrels in the convention floor. It is a real pain in the ass to get rid of radioactive waste and to the dumpers credit, the Moscone Convention Center floor is as good a place as any."
- Steve Johnson, Administrator for the Environmental Protection Agency

The owners of the Moscone Convention Center are furious and want the radioactive waste removed but Johnson insists that his 'hand are tied'. However, he hopes this incident will restore some of the public's faith in the beleaguered agency but so far it has had no effect on the Agency's dismal reputation.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Moscone Convention Center, San Francisco

Sunday, December 03, 2006

New Liberal Leader Claims Win Was 'Magic'; Comment Sparks Controversy.

Stephane Dion was crowned the new leader of the Liberal Party yesterday. Unfortunately, the Liberal Party's excitement at ending its leadership woes were short lived as Dion only lasted 4 minutes in the seat of power before sparking a religious controversy during his acceptance speech.

"I feel incredibly honored to be here. And let's give a big hand to my esteemed opponents. [crowd cheers loudly] I came into this race as an underdog against two powerhouses. To end up winning... in a come from behind victory [crowd cheers]... there is only one explanation for this great victory: Magic! It's a magical night for the Liberals! [crowd falls into a stunned silence]"
- Stephane Dion, official Leader of the Opposition and Leader of the Liberal Party.

Dion's admission to not only a belief in magic but to using his dark Pagan art to influence the election came as quite a shock to the crowd of seventeen thousand on hand to witness the event.

"I'm stunned. We'd talked about his beliefs and morals many times in the run up to the election but he never mentioned anything about being a practicing warlock. Frankly, it's frightening. I hope he didn't put a hex on me."
- Mark Marissen, Stephane Dion's national campaign manager

Further investigation into Dion's past revealed disturbing evidence of his Pagan Magic.

Photo of Dion practicing his Dark Pagan Arts, most likely, to
have U.S. Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice succumb to his bidding.

Officials realize that the results of the election are now cast into doubt but are afraid that taking any action may anger Dion and he may turn them into snakes, sicken them with the plague or even sacrifice them to a higher god by eating their flesh.

The Conservative party were quick to criticize the new found leader by calling him a witch (an insult to a male practitioner of magic as it is akin to saying 'you throw your magic like a girl'). However, the Conservative Party were also quick to adopt Pagan Protection Rituals. Prime Minister Stephen Harper is taking no chances and is slaughtering a baby pig everyday and hanging it from his door in the hopes that the blood will cleanse his home of magic.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Palais des Congrais, Montreal, Quebec

Friday, November 24, 2006

Xbox 360 vs. PS3 Which is stronger?

Gamers all over the world are rushing to the stores this Christmas to purchase one of the 'next-generation' of gaming consoles. The big question is which console is stronger? The Floater Blog takes an in depth look at the two big systems: The Xbox 360 and the Playstation 3.

The performance of these consoles has been looked at a number of ways but we here at the Floater Blog felt the best benchmark would be to compare the strength of the two consoles. The results will surprise you.

The Xbox 360 easily holds seventy pounds while the PS3 looks on with obvious Jealousy.

Hold: The first test was simply to see how much weight they could hold. While it seemed the PS3 with it's wider stance would dominate this category, its cheap plastic crumbled under only 56 pounds while the Xbox 360 easily lifted and held 70 pounds.
Advantage: Xbox 360

The Tractor Pull: For this test we attached a 3.5 inch airplane cable to one end of a tractor trailer and the other end to the console. The results were very poor. Neither the Xbox 360 nor the Playstation 3 managed to move the Tractor at all. In fact both consoles just sat there, impervious to the crowds cheering them on, until the time expired.
Advantage: None

The Weight Catch: A popular test on the World's Strongest Man series, we would throw medicine balls with increasing weight at the competitors and whoever could catch and hold the heaviest ball would win. To be frank, both consoles were terrible at this competition. Starting with only a 55 pound medicine ball the Xbox 360 cracked under the pressure and literally blew apart. It did not appear to even attempt to catch the ball. The PS3 fared marginally better, as it too cracked under the lightest of medicine balls. However, the PS3 managed to cup and hold the ball with the inside of it's outer shell casing thus completing 1 catch.
Advantage: PS3

Tug O' War:
Using a standard 10 stone Mariners Rope each console would attempt to pull the other console over the winner's line. This test of strength quickly became a test of endurance as neither console was able to gain an immediate advantage. In fact each console managed to hold their exact starting positions for a whopping 6 days, 12 hours and 13 minutes before the competition was declared a tie. The mathematical probability of two competitors in this competition facing off with an absolutely even matched pull strength is astronomical but for the two competitors to also posses the exact same incredible endurance is just unreal. We truly witnessed something special and all of us who were there will certainly never forget those exciting six and a half days.
Advantage: None.

The Stronger Console: None.
Our empirical evidence proves that neither console is over matched. There have been many reports claiming that one console is stronger than the other but we can say, without a doubt, that those reports are blatantly false. If you are looking to purchase one of these consoles we would recommend first asking yourself what is more important to you: Holding heavy weights or being able to catch heavy balls? And make a choice based on our results. If, instead, you're looking at tractor pulling or tug o' wars there is no clear advantage either way. Sony and Microsoft have fought hard for your money but this test just goes to show, once again, that it all comes down to personal preference.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Floater Blog Testing Facility, Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Air Force One makes emergency landing, Bush wins bet

Say what you want about President Bush but he puts his money where his mouth is... i.e. on his face. (He has been known to place rolled one dollar bills under his nose and exclaim "Look at me, I'm a rich white guy!) Sen. Johnny Isakson found this out the hard way. The Senator from Georgia joined Mr. Bush Wednesday, on Air Force One en route to Washington. Apparently the episode started when the two politicians began discussing which State has the best Chili. Heated words were exchanged until President Bush bet the Senator that he could kill a Possum with one fart after eating a bowl of Texas Chili. Never a man to back down from a challenge, the Senator not only accepted the wager but swore he would raise the age of sexual consent to 35 in Georgia if he lost.

He lost.

Sen. Isakson looks on disappointingly as the Possum slowly dies.

A short 22 minutes after a quick bowl of Texan Chili, President Bush exceeded all expectations by flatulating for a personal best 76 straight seconds in the general direction of the Possum (brought on board for just such occasions). The Possum quickly asphyxiated and Bush declared himself the winner.

There was some confusion at first as Isakson claimed the Possum was only 'playing' dead however as soon as he stepped within three feet of the Possum and the fumes, Isakson himself asphyxiated and had to be taken to the hospital.

The noxious fumes quickly spread throughout Air Force One resulting in an emergency landing in Galveston to fumigate the plan. All in all the President's lack of foresight resulted in the hospitalization of 3 Senators, 22 Staffers, 3 Secret Service Agents, 1 Pilot and 12 White House Reporters. However, as the President himself said, "What's in a few respiratory failures... compared to.... having... proving that Texans make the best Chili? I'll tell you, A dead Possum."

On a brighter note, Isakson has made a full recovery and has kept true to his word and raised the age of Sexual Consent in Georgia to 35, much to the delight of parents and chagrin of Georgian children.

- The Blogastair, reporting live from the Galveston Island Airport, Galveston, Texas

Friday, November 10, 2006

Sen. Pat Roberts declares war on Noontime Hunger

Senator Pat Roberts has declared war on 'Noontime Hunger'; an epidemic that is sweeping across the nation. The Republican Senator from Kansas is currently chair to the Senate Intelligence Committee but says that he uncovered this terrorist plot all on his own.

"I started to notice the epidemic in September of this year. You see because of the upcoming elections I had to start coming into the office earlier, at 9:30am for a full 6 hour day. So for the first time, I noticed that around 11 or 1130am (the time I usually arrive for work) productivity would drop dramatically. Attitudes changed, talking at the water cooler became monosyllabic and in a couple of extreme cases people were actually short with each other. It seemed everybody was suspiciously becoming hungry at the same time."
- Pat Roberts, Republican Senator for Kansas

The Hon. Senator from Kansas went on to make a few phone calls and was shocked to discover that his office was not the only one suffering from this epidemic, in fact it had become a national problem. And for all the Senator knows, these symptoms may have spread across the world (The United States Senate has no contact with the world outside of the United States so he has no way of checking this).

Pat Roberts at a 'War on Hunger' Rally in Kansas

After reporting his findings to the Senate Intelligence Committee it didn't take long for them to deduce that only the Terrorists could be behind such a heinous epidemic.

"Well once we put the facts together, it was fairly obvious. What are the chances that almost every one of the 150 million or so in the workforce would become hungry at the same time everyday? Without some kind of outside influence... the chances are nil. I'll admit the Terrorists have scored big on this one. We can't figure out what kind of Bioterrorist weapon they are using but we can change the results."
- Pat Roberts, Republican Senator for Kansas

The Senate Intelligence Committee has begun an educational campaign to counteract this terrorist act. Americans are encouraged to eat as much as they can as often as they can to prevent the symptoms of hunger. Companies like McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger King have all come forward with generous offers of assistance.

"Just remember, every time you are cranky, tired or weak from hunger, or even when you go out to lunch at noon... the terrorists are winning. So please, America, go to these generous restaurants and buy as much food as you can and eat it, right now. And don't ever stop eating. God Bless."
- Pat Roberts, Republican Senator for Kansas

The Senate Intelligence Committee is drafting a final report of this problem and is tabling a proposal to invade the oil fields of Argentina.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, The United States Senate, Washington, D.C.

Friday, November 03, 2006

'Tiny Ghosts' haunt Toronto Man's House

Brad Lepp is much like any other Torontonian 364 days of the year but on that 365th day, Brad Lepp turns into a terrified, shivering, ball of crying and snot. Brad's transforms into this blubbering ball of sniveling because of the ethereal spirits that haunt his home every year on October 31st.

"I love Toronto, and I love my home. It's just that one day of the year... I don't know why these spirits haunt me but... it frightens me [sniffs]... [sobs uncontrollably]."
- Brad Lepp, Toronto Home Owner and Target of Evil Spirits.

It seems that this has been happening for every one of Brad's thirty something years despite his continuing efforts to ward the spirits off with charms, spells and hocus pocus.

"The wards are built around the idea of scaring the ghosts away. So, I carve scary faces in the front of large pieces of fruit (I used to use pineapples but pumpkins seem to work better). I hang scary bats, cobweb, witches, vampires... you name it. All in the hopes they'll think the house belongs to a much scarier monster. But it never works. In fact, it's getting worse. It seems the more I do to protect my home, the more ghosts come to haunt me.
- Brad Lepp, Toronto Home Owner and Crybaby.

Brad Lepp stands confused amongst the many 'wards' around his house.

Perhaps the spookiest aspect of this frightening tale is the type of ghosts haunting Mr. Lepp's house.

"I get ghosts that look like witches, goblins, pirates... a lot of pirates this year. Even SpongeBob Square Pants! You wouldn't think TV characters would have their own ghosts but believe me they do. The only thing the ghosts have in common is they all seem to be tiny. I can tell you now, if you haven't seen a ghost before, they are usually no bigger than three or four feet in height... but still incredibly frightening."
- Brad Lepp, Home Owner and Possible Mental Patient

Mr. Lepp has no plans to sell his home vowing that next year his wards would be bigger and scarier. The City of Toronto has begun an investigation into this paranormal activity.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Brad Lepp's 'Monster' House, Toronto, ON

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Special Report: Blogastair designs a T-Shirt!

The Floater Blog is a highly respectable news source and would like to assure its readers that it will never sell out for a petty or insignificant plug of any of its writers. Which is why we now bring to you the IMPORTANT AND SIGNIFICANT NEWS THAT BLOGASTAIR HAS DESIGNED A T-SHIRT!!!!

My Submission

That's right dear readers, it's called 'Evolution' and it's on (Click on the graphic above) A fantastic T-Shirt site that prints 7 shirts every week based on votes from its users. A great idea and a great site!! So go now and vote for the T-Shirt!!! Believe me it has nothing to do with the large cash price Blogastair would receive if his Tee receives high enough votes and everything to do with giving you, the reader, the gift of voting this wonderful T-Shirt a '5' (and checking the 'I would buy this T-Shirt' box).

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, the home of Blogastair, Toronto, Ontario

Friday, October 27, 2006

No Child Left Behind Act enters Phase II: The Work Placement Program

The 'No Child Left Behind Act' entered its second phase on October 1st of this year and so far Republicans are calling it a success.

"The whole point of the program was that every child would have an education and a job. Now we are at the point where we can streamline the process and provide a shorter education with more job time, which, in the short-run, will give our economy a nice boost before the elections."
- Margaret Spellings, U.S. Secretary of Education.

Randall, one of the many children in the program, on his first day of work.

For this phase of the program certain children have been earmarked as 'Educationally Incompatible' and will be found a job in the workforce much sooner than their peers, some as soon as Pre-school.

"This is for America's children who can't do stuff other kids have had to done.... Let's face it, heh, I mean some kids are stupid right? So if they ain't gonna done learn nothin... then let's get them workin... and payin taxes... and doin somethin that is right."
- George W. Bush, President of the United States

Some opponents of the plan are concerned that the children being earmarked for early job status are those that come from the lowest family incomes. Democrats are calling this a 'a 100 year step backward into child slavery' and the U.N. has put a travel advisory out to anyone traveling to the United States with children. However, the GDP has increased 3 percent since the program was put in place which suggests that while 6 year olds may only be a tiny portion of any worksite... it's a tiny bit more than they had before.

- The Blogerooni, reporting live on location, The White House, Washington, D.C.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Kim Jong Il apolizes for Nuclear test; reveals surprise condition for concessions

Kim Jong Il shocked the world today when he actually apologized for testing Nuclear Weapons. He then shocked high-level politicians when Kim Jong Il conditionally agreed to concessions set forth by the United Nations regarding North Korea's Nuclear program. However, perhaps the most shocked person today is George W. Bush who was in the midst of a press conference with Kim Jong Il when the North Korean Dictator revealed that his country would only agree to the U.N. concessions... 'if the American President can remove this stone from my hand.'

This picture was taken at the exact moment George W. Bush realized Kim Jong Il
wasn't joking about taking the stone out of his hand.

To his credit George W. Bush fought long and hard to get the stone out of Kim Jong Il's hand however his 'Texan Swagger' was no match for Kim Jong's 'Forty Years Of Professional Martial Arts Training'. The fight had to be stopped after a particularly rough exchange in which the President was thrown to the ground, stepped on and referred to as 'Kim Jong Il's Bitch.'

The President left in a huff and vowed to bring the full force of his military might to remove the stone from Kim Jong Il's hand.

"Kim's Young Eel... or whatever his name is... it's not important, better do to remember... that I am a man. A man... a particular type of man that has... I don't like to be messed around. And Kim, I would do to remember that if necessary comes to shove... America has nuclear weapons."
- George W. Bush, President of the United States of America

The North Korean Dictator was swift with his response:

"As I said, if the American President can take this stone out of my hand [reveals stone] than I will agree to U.N. concessions. As to the President's threat... I would like to once again apologize to the wolrd and the United Nations for our Nuclear test... but Mr. President, we now have them too."
- Kim Jong Il, Supremem Commander of the Korean People's Army

- The Blogastair, reporting live from the nuclear fallout cave, Pyongyang, North Korea

Friday, October 13, 2006

Mcdonald's Corporate Jet engages Swiss Air Force in Air to Air Combat!

Last month Switzerland dealt a crippling blow to McDonald's by passing a law which bans fast food from being sold to minors. Last night, McDonald's struck back. Hard.

In a shocking development one of McDonald's corporate jets entered Swiss airspace under the guise of 'conducting business' early last night. The jet then proceeded to shoot down two fighter jets from the Swiss Air Force who happened to be on route to a training mission. More fighters were scrambled and a dog fight ensued resulting in the loss of two more Swiss jets before the McDonald's plane fled the area.

Satellite Photo of the McDonald's Jet dodging a Swiss missile

"We just had no idea their jet had that kind of military capability. It was over before it started. I'll never eat a Big Mac again."
Matthias Weibel, Brigadier General of the Swiss Air Force

McDonald's released a statement to the press shortly after the attack:

"It's unfortunate it had to come to this but we will not negotiate with terrorists. They can keep our young Swiss hostage but we will continue to pursue military action against them until they release the minors of Switzerland to eat where they please."
- Jim Skinner, CEO McDonald's Corp

Effigies of Hamburgler and Ronald McDonald have been burned at public demonstrations across the country. Swiss President,
Moritz Leuenberger, has vowed to keep all the countries citizens safe from harm.

"Whether it be from trans-fat laden food or precision military strikes, the Government will protect you from McDonald's."
- Moritz Leuenberger, President of Switzerland

The Western world eagerly awaits the outcome of this corporate war as it will have a watershed effect on future international business.

- The Blogastair reporting live, Swiss Federal Council Chambers, Switzerland

Friday, October 06, 2006

Big Bird Burns his Nest Down, Big Egg dies.

In a tragic twist of fate, Big Bird, of Sesame Street Fame, burned his house down while playing with fire. A strong vocal oppenent of kids playing with fire, Big Bird had this to say:

"You know, it's something I've always said but to be honest I've never really believed it... [starts to cry] until now. I dunno... I just, I just had a lighter and it looked like fun and I... I ... Oh god what have I done. [sobs uncontrollably]
- Big Bird, Children's hero and resident of Sesame Street

Big Bird stands in shock amidst his burning house.

Tragically, Big Bird's Big Egg was inside the house under a heating lamp and was not able to be rescued in time. Apparently, Big Bird had taken a break from living on the semi-impoverished block of Sesame Street and rented a house in the Hamptons in order to help incubate his new egg.

"We see it all the time, guy sees a fire somewhere, he likes the flames and thinks he can make his own fire... ba da boom ba da bing your nest egg is burned to the ground. But this here... I mean the Bird's got no opposable thumbs and he still thinks it's a great idea to play with a lighter? It's just a shame."
- Nicholas Scoppetta, Fire Commisioner, New York Fire Department

For now Big Bird is struggling with his loss and has vowed to fight 'playing with fire' with fire. Concerened readers can make a donation to his "Fight playing with fire with fire" Fund. To help raise money for the cause Big Bird is auctioning off the world's largest hard-boiled egg on E-bay and all the proceeds will go directly to his fund.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Big Bird's Burned Nest, Hamptons, NY

Friday, September 29, 2006

The Floater Blog introduces Merchandizing line!

Dear Floater Blog readers,

I know it may feel as though your life has been turned upside down for the last 39 days. It may feel as though the cold hand of reality has slapped you in the face. And maybe it feels as if the cold hand of reality then punched you in the gut and maybe just as you were bending over the cold hard elbow of reality slammed into the lumbar region of your spine. And maybe... just maybe, it even feels like the cold hard hands of reality pierced your ear with a barbed fish hook and threw you into a tank full of crocodiles. But now... feel these. They are the warm and welcoming hands of the Floater Blog pulling you from the mouths of the reptilian beasts by the fish hook in your ear to say... we're back... and we love you.

In fact, we love you so much that we took time off to make your lives better. That painful barren wasteland of a month without the Floater Blog will soon seem worth the sacrifice once you purchase one of our many producst from our brand new MERCHANDIZING LINE!!!! That's right we have spent the last month developing a whole line of products with the sole aim of making your life easier... starting with... THE FLOATER BLOG BOTTLE OPENER!!!!

The Floater Blog Bottle Opener* in Action

This new bottle opener is nothing if not practical. Small and compact the Floater Blog Bottle Opener* can easily fit into any large storage closet or basement. The Floater Blog Bottle Opener* might look complicated with all of it's mechanical parts and that's why it's so expensive!!! But the amazing thing about the Floater Blog Bottle Opener* is that it opens bottle's all by itself!!! That's right you simply say the command word and it will retrieve a bottle from the desired location and bring it back to you open, cold and ready to drink!!!

And as a promise to you the Floater Blog will not use any cheap tactics to sell any of our products. We feel the product is strong enough to sell itself!! So buy one today and see for youself!!!

- The Blogastair, finally reporting live from the Floater Blog's new headquarters, 3/4 of a kilometer into international waters off the coast of Brazil.

*Note: You must supply and train your own child or petite circus performer to operate the moving parts. Some assembly is not required as all of the assembly is.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Ontario anounces 46 Billion to be spent on Nuclear power, Giant Cat to be put down.

Dalton McGuinty held an eventful press conference at the Tiverton, Ontario Bruce Power Plant. He announced plans for the Ontario government to spend 46 billion dollars rebuilding up to three nuclear plants.

Environmentalists balk at this idea because of the nuclear waste they produce and the safety hazards they pose.

McGuinty stands firm on his decision though and assures the public there is "nothing wrong with our nuclear program."

Dalton addressing reporters while a Giant Cat lurks in the background.

Reporters immediately questioned him on this statement as there was a monstrous 22 foot tall tabby cat lurking in the background throughout the entire press conference.

"Yes, in this area there have been sightings of animals growing to unusual sizes but I don't see how this has any relation to our Nuclear program. We are here to discuss the benefits of a sustainable energy source, not some mutant animals."
- Dalton McGuinty, Premier of Ontario

The rest of the press conference was cut short as most reporters left to watch as the Giant Cat single-handedly pulled four 500 pound Tuna from Lake Huron. An amazing feat if for no other reason than it being the first time Tuna have been found in freshwater.

Afterwards, McGuinty promised to 'have the giant cat put down' promising that future discussions of the Province's energy crisis would not be distracted by these Giant Beasts.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Bruce Power Plant, Tiverton, Ontario

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


The world rejoices today. In a celebration the likes the world has seen only twenty five such times before, Alastair Forbes will be anointed twenty six today. In a four hour morning ceremony, 193 heads of State will pay homage to Alastair and his family. Ceasefires have been declared the world over and all Religions but for one have declared today as a day to worship Alastair, not their respective deities. Buddhism made no such declaration as Alastair is already considered their deity having achieved Nirvana on his tenth birthday.

A Castle was built to mark the occasion and a private dinner party will be held with a little over 2000 people attending. The Castle is a gift from the world's Mammals, represented by just over 5000 heads of species. Last year the floating Palace was donated by the Birds of the world and the Amphibians are looking forward to their plans for a semi-submerged Chateau next year. Angels came down from the Heavens to give thanks for Alastair including the Michelangelo angel who painted this representation of the Celebration to happen tonight:

We Loveth Thee, Alastair, We Loveth Thee, by Michelangelo

In a time when there is so much strife and conflict in the world, it is refreshing to see the World unite in their genuflection towards Alastair. He has done so much and asks for so little in return, it's the least the World can do. Michelangelo was right, We Loveth Thee, Alastair... We Loveth Thee.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, The Forbes Castle, Paradise Island, International Waters

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Bush: The Environment is hurting our economy

The American government has a new war to fight… the fight against the Environment.

“I have been watching this trend closely grow… over the years I have been Mr. President. Now a new enemy has come to fight us even so… while we are still fighting Terrorism. Well let’s call a spade a tar baby and Environment you are a terrorist.”
George W. Bush, POTUS

A Presidential spokesperson assured us that the President meant to say there has been a growing trend of the Environment encroaching upon the American economy, which puts the American way of life at risk. The White House then released a simulated photo of the encroaching Environment and warned citizens to take every precaution when encountering the Environment.

The 'Environment' attacks an Ohio town.

Ralph Nader, two time Presidential Candidate respectfully disagrees:

"It's absurd. The picture is clearly a poorly doctored photo of an enlarged caterpillar, which by the way are herbivores. This Administration has consistently misled the American people and this has got to be the last straw.... I mean the Environment isn't an object or a monster... it's our world... nature!"
- Ralph Nader, two-time Presidential candidate

Nader, however, has proven himself a hysterical fearmonger with his take on this issue and the President has assured the public he is part of an ongoing Terror investigation. In the meantime, Americans can rest assured that the war on the Environment is already underway. Generous companies like Shell, Monsanto and IBP have already donated funds and manpower towards destroying the enemy.

"We're working very hard to destroy as much of the Environment as possible. But so far we've only won a few battles we're a long way from winning the war. All I ask is that Americans support us in any way they can. Drive aimlessly, throw away styrofoam containers, start brush fires, eat only processed foods and burn your rubber tires. Every little bit counts."
- John Hofmeister, President of Shell Oil Company

We here at the Floater Blog have already made a donation to 'Drill Alaska', so now the question is what will you do?

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washington D.C.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Frat Boys duped: 'Indiana is nothing like India!'

An unfortunate set of circumstances has ruined an otherwise 'awesome summer road trip.' Jeremy Talman and Don Nedlan had spent a year planning a month-long backpacking trip to their favorite country India. However, things took a terrible turn for the worse:

"Ya, I'm really bummed out. We had this awesome trip planned but it was harsh on our budget. And when we saw this flyer advertising tickets to Indiana that were WAY cheaper than our tickets to India and we were like 'right on!'... but it turns out Indiana is nothing like India."
- Jeremy Talman, Sophomore, Alabama State University

Jeremy and Don in front of the Soldiers and Sailors Monument.

Their mistake was exacerbated as Jeremy and Don only brought 12 American dollars with them as the rest of their money was tied up in 46,000 rupees.

"Ya what really sucked about the trip for me is that there were no Indian hotties. Sure we saw some regulation hotties, but they weren't exotic or nothin... and the curry sucked."
- Don Nedlan, Junior, Alabama State University

The question remains... is Indiana taking advantage of India's popularity as a travel destination? With ads like "Come to Indiana and try our Curry" one would say yes. However, Lt. Governor Becky Skillman disagrees:

"I don't see how that is misrepresenting us, we have some curry here in our state and we encourage people to try it. Come for the curry, stay for roads. That's what I say. We've got lots of roads and most of them are paved."
- Becky Skillman, Lt. Governor of the State of Indiana

Hopefully the plight of Jeremy and Don will give light to one of the many hazards of international travel.

-The Blogertair, reporting live on location, one of the many, many roads, Indianapolis, Indiana

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Canadian Lawyer Sues Herself. Sets Precedent.

A precedent setting case is currently underway in Toronto, Ontario as a Canadian lawyer is suing herself... for copyright infringement.

"I was double checking a brief I had handed in to the courts in the morning when I realized that I had copied a great deal of the brief directly from a paper I had written in my final year of Law School. So I did the right thing and sued for copyright infringement."
- Elisabeth 'Lis' Patrick, Lawyer for WeirFoulds L.L.P.

The high profile of the case has sparked controversy and some high-profile comments:

"I think Lis has done the right thing. She is a great example for Lawyers in our country. No deed, whether it be good, bad, sensational or banal, should be exempt from being tested in a court of law."
- The Hon. Beverly Mclaughlin, Cheif Justice of Canada

The precedent setting case of Patrick V. Patrick

Patrick is suing Patrick for $162,000 dollars in damages claiming 'loss of revenue' and 'damage to my reputation'.

"If I let this go, people may associate my work with this sub-par material and my professional reputation could be affected. Yes, It is a risk. I am liable to lose my apartment but on the up side I would gain enough money to rent it back."
- Elisabeth 'Lis' Patrick, Lawyer for WeirFoulds L.L.P.

The case is currently in its third month before the courts and has cost taxpayers an estimated $67,000 dollars so far, prompting some to question the merit of the whole trial.

Further doubts have overshadowed the case when Prosecutorial Patrick began drinking in the courtroom, often stumbling out at the end of the day visibly intoxicated. (See Above Photo of Patrick holding a glass of wine). Not to be outdone, the Defense Patrick has attempted to bribe the judge sixteen times now, with a progressively larger bribe each time. The last one being 94 dollars and a dinner date. (See above photo of Patrick reaching into her wallet)

A waste of time and the taxpayer's money? Probably. But it's a surefire way to double your money by betting on Patrick to win.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Superior Court of Justice, Toronto, Ontario.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

New Study: Dogs actually are smarter than cats.

The verdict is finally in: dogs actually are smarter than cats. A new study conducted by The Center for the Integrative Study of Animal Behavior revealed today that in basic cognitive functions most species of dogs far outperformed their cat counterparts.

The three basic tests were:
  1. Write an essay on a topic of your choice.
  2. Answer 10 skill testing questions.
  3. Follow a map to pass through a maze.
"It really was no contest from the outset. I'm not sure why this hasn't been studied before but there never was a doubt in my mind."
- Dr. Spot, Author of 'See Spot introduce his quantum theory on astrally affected socio-behaviours of your pet', and one of the dogs participating in the study.

Dr. Spot, Author and Study Particiapant.

It would take far too long to examine all the test results in detail but to give a good idea , some of the essay topics turned in by the dogs include 'Indentured Service or Symbiotic Servitude: A comparative Study of Dogs and their Masters' (written by a Border Collie named Tiffany) and 'Let's Go for a Walk: A dog's observations of mid-western Botanical Biodiversity in Colorado' (written by a Pug named Rexington).
Most dogs scored a perfect 10 out of 10 on the skill testing questions and a whopping 92% used the map correctly to find their way through the maze. The remaining 8% only didn't make it because they had co-ordinated a plan to meet at a secret location inside the maze where they designed an elaborate prank for one of the testers involving 2 pulley systems, a fulcrum and 12 cream pies .

The Cats on the other hand faired very poorly in all 3 contests. There was not a single intelligible essay handed in. Most papers did not in fact resemble their namesake as they generally consisted of shredded paper, fur and fecal matter.
The Cats fared even worse in the trivia section with a full 100% failure rate. None of the Cats could answer such simple questions such as: What is 2 + 4? or Define 'ready'. Almost all the Cats resorted to some form of unintelligible meowing with a few rude ones staring hatefully at the tester and refusing to utter a sound of any kind. This seemingly innocuous study had its tragic side as the first 3 cats in the maze died from starvation, ending an otherwise successful investigation on a sour note.

Despite the dead cats this study is a great boon to pet owners. Providing a greater understanding and appreciation for our pets. Unless you own a cat, in which case you have discovered they are dumb.

-The Blogatini, reporting live on location, The Center for the Integrative Study of Animal Behavior, Bloomington, Indiana

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Canadians are the most polite people to torture: US Study says.

A new study just published in 'Scientific American' finds that of over 93 nationalities tested, Canadians were the most polite to torture. The tests were conducted by anonymous U.S. researchers working at an anonymous prison in an anonymous Eastern European country.

All nationalities were tested in three categories with 20 members from each country. The three categories were:
  1. What language the Torturee used while being electrocuted.
  2. How many teeth would the Torturee have left when they finally told the Torturer what they wanted to hear.
  3. Given the opportunity would the Torturee attempt to escape.
"Canadians came out on top in each category, far outperforming other nationalities. I wouldn't hesitate for a second to torture a Canadian again in the future."
- Anonymous, Marketing Director of Anonymous in Anonymous.

Two tortured Canadians, still smiling for the camera.

The results were spectacular with 19 of 20 Canadians refraining from using any negative words and most still saying their please and thank you's before, during and after their electrocution session. The 20th said the word 'darn' but immediately apologized and asked if he could electrocute himself to make up for it. The Scottish were the most likely to use bad words often starting the session with "Who the **** are you? What the **** am I doing here?" and "I'm a ****ing piece of Haggis!"

A full 20 of 20 Canadians offered all truthful information before any teeth pulling occurred however 17 of the 20 asked to have at least 3 or 4 teeth pulled anyways saying 'well you've gone to all this trouble, you might as well take some out.' On the opposite end of the spectrum a full 20 of 20 Djiboutians had all of their teeth pulled as all 20 claimed they couldn't speak English.

Once again full marks for Canadians in the last category where none of the Canadians decided to try to leave through their unlocked cell door with a strong 16 of 20 actually closing the door, including one Canadian who asked for a guard to let them know for next time that they'd forgotten to lock them in.

Other intriguing finds were:
  • Germans were the most likely to make cold and precise statements such as "You are freezing me to within a 476th of an inch of my life!"
  • Canadians were most likely to apologize after they were hurt, most saying "Oops, sorry about that."
  • The British were the most likely to enjoy having their teeth pulled, with a 72% success rate in improving their smile.
  • The Swedish were most likely to speak in a 'funny sounding language' while being electrocuted.
This study is a great boon to the Bush Presidency as recently America has come under attack for falling behind in Science:

"This study proves... America has and are having to be... the bestest finders of... stuff that knows."
- George W. Bush, President of the United States

- The Blogastair reporting live on location, Anonymous prison, Anonymous, Anonymous.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Secret Vatican documents suggest Pope John Paul II was actually 'pretty fly.'

The Floater Blog has obtained secret Vatican documents which shed a new light on Pope John Paul II. Leaked by top Cardinals expressing their displeasure with Pope Benedict's incredibly low 'cool factor' these documents reveal Pope John Paul the Second (or DJP2 as he was affectionately known in the Vatican Nightclubs) was actually a hip and happenin dude.

"DJP2? Are you kiddin! He was sick! He was famous for doing keg stands at the private mass... man I have never seen anyone able to give a better sermon hung over."
Zenon Grocholewski, 65, Poland (2001), Prefect Emeritus of Catholic Education, Roman Curia

The documents are many and all are revealing. Some are personal journals of nights out on the town. Some are personal sketches of John Paul's depicting various upgrades to the vatican facade (i.e. disco lights, neon signs, a superman statue etc. All were rejected by the clergy). Some documents are photos not previously released by the Vatican including this one of Pope John Paul II's short-lived upgrade to his Popemobile:

The 'Pimpedmobile' as named by JP 2

"Reaching out to the kids was a big part of his mandate. Most people don't realize he was actually cool like the kids. Not like Benedict XVI, he tries... but he aint fly, he's just a lame old white guy."
- Attilio Nicora, 68, Italy (2003), President Emeritus of Administration of the Patrimony of the Apostolic See, Roman Curia

As Pope John Paul II is up for saint hood this should affect his canonization. It certainly has affected his reputation as more and more people have begun calling him what his favorite Cardinals called him: 'The Dope.'

- Blogatini, reporting live on location, Vatican City, Vatican City.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Kelly Forbes caught producing bizarre Turtle Pornography

What is the world coming to? That is the question many people around the globe are asking themselves as Kelly Forbes' bizarre Turtle Pornography ring has been exposed. Not to be confused with scientific nature videos, these films feature turtles in bizarre sexual positions such as: the turtle waxer, the shell shaper and the oil rig. Every video is also personally hosted by Kelly Forbes (aka 'Smelly Forbes') who goads the turtles on to act out increasingly bizarre sexual endeavors.

"Surprised? Well, unfortunately no. Disappointed? Yes, definitely... we've all been disappointed in Kelly for quite some time now."
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer and Kelly's Mother

A still shot from one of Kelly's movies entitled "Peek-a-Do-You"

To date Kelly has released over twenty seven videos featuring 68 different turtles. Some of her most popular titles include:
  • 'Deliver my Pizza real slow'
  • 'Turtles do Dallas'
  • 'The Shell Hole'
  • 'Raging Tortoise'
  • 'To Shell and Back'
Since the report was broken by the Floater Blog, environmentalist and animal rights activists have been up in arms.

"There is absolutely no scientific value to these videos. None. These are not nature films and these are not normal mating habits of turtles. These turtles are being outright exploited. How many of them are brought here by Kelly and have no other place to go? How many of them have no choice but to participate in these twisted videos?"
- Dr. Sue Lieberman, Global Species Program Director for the World Wildlife Fund

Kelly Forbes was unavailable for comment but needless to say, in the coming days things will become awfully heated around the Kelly Forbes' household.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Kelly Forbes' residence, Vancouver, B.C.

Friday, June 09, 2006

The Floater Blog discovers the Giant Squid and Jimmy Hoffa's body

The Floater Blog investigative team has just returned from their most ambitious and rewarding investigation to date. It is with great honor that the Floater Blog announces the first ever photographic evidence of a Giant Squid and the discovery of Jimmy Hoffa's body. It is with greater honor for the Floater Blog to announce that these two discoveries were made AT THE SAME TIME!

The Floater Blog had received a tip from an anonymous prison inmate last Thursday that Jimmy Hoffa was made to 'sleep with the fishes' off New York's Verrazono Narrows bridge 31 years ago. The Floater Blog Investigative team spent the next 144 hours underwater following the trail of the late Mr. Hoffa's body, discovering that it had:
  • Fallen into a refrigerator at the bottom of the New York bay and Frozen solid, preventing decomposition.
  • Floated as a cube of ice 3880 nautical miles North towards the polar ice cap.
  • Stuck in the bow of the Titanic shipwreck for 16 months until the Discovery Channel crew, unbeknownst to them, knocked him loose.
  • Voted against Bush in the last election.
  • Become part of a bizarre Blue Whale mating ritual through which he became unfrozen.
  • Become the cause of a destructive turf war between the Blue Whale 'Crypts' and the Sperm Whale 'Bloods' of the North Pole which the Sperm Whale 'Bloods' eventually won at the cost of 24 homewhales, including 3 that were preggers.
  • Become the cause of an even more destructive turf war between the Sperm Whale 'Bloods' and the Giant Squid 'Polesh Crew' which was where the investigative team finally caught up with the body.
Without further ado here is the now famous picture of a member of the Polesh Crew and the Bloods fighting over Jimmy Hoffa's body.

The first photographic evidence of a Giant Squid and Jimmy Hoffa's body.

Note the tell-tale tattoo of the Teamster's Logo located on his right hand which we have enlarged and enhanced.

"Without a doubt this is conclusive evidence that Jimmy Hoffa's body has been found."
- Robert S. Mueller III, director of the U.S. F.B.I.

It is unfortunate that the body is being used as a 'plaything' amongst turf wars between giant water beasts but as George Boehlert points out:

"Despite Jimmy Hoffa's obvious importance and success in life, his true accomplishment came in death as he helped to gather the first conclusive evidence of the existence of the Giant Squid. The Floater Blog reporters are nothing but heroes."
- George Boehlert, Director of the Hatfield Marine Science Center

Well, we don't know about heroes, but we're just happy to make a real contribution to science... and justice.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, 1.4 miles under the North Pole.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Floater Blog investigates Giantess sightings in New York!

For the first time ever the entire Floater Blog staff (all 53 investigative reporters) will be flying en masse to New York in order to personally witness reports of a wandering Giantess. Sadly, it means the Floater Blog will not be updated until their return on June 1st. (And The Floater Blog politely asks its readers to withhold from conducting a 7 day hunger vigil complete with self-mortification like last time).

The Giantess apparently wandered lost and confused into the city sometime around the beginning of May. Scientists are dubbing the creature "Lindsay Forbes" and have actually created an entirely new classification of mammal for Forbes called the Garga-giant.

"We get all types here in New York. You got a problem with that? So she's a Garga-giant? What's your $$$$ing point? I see $$$$ing midgets, $$$$ing bearded ladies, $$$$ing arm for a nose men and $$$$ing half-man half-horse people on my way to work everyday! And you come in here asking me about some Garga$$$$ingGiant? $$$$, you pricks piss me off you know that?"
- Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York

Despite the government's official statement of 'un-interest' in the matter, civilians have flocked to information about the Garga-giant. Many New Yorkers have taken pains to photograph the beast while running away from it in a panic. Here are some of those shots now:

Gargantuan Forbes perusing the NY Library

Lindsay the Giantess causing panic and confusion in Times Square

Gynormous Forbes wading drunkenly across the Hudson River

Imagine New Yorker's surprise when one-day a male Garga-Giant happened to appear alongside the beast.

"The Lindsay Forbes beast must have been giving off that strange musky scent in order to attract a mate. Of course she inadvertantly bathed the entire city in a milky haze. Simply remarkable."
Rune Feldenbergstien, Top Mammalian Research Scientist, NASA

Garga-giant Lindsay with her Garga-giant mate

What does this mean for New York? The Floater Blog intends to find out however, a more telling question might be: What does this mean for mankind as a whole?

- The Bloogerini, reporting live on location, 7 blocks away from the Chrysler building, New York, New York

Friday, May 19, 2006

Tony Snow is Grand Wizard, level 54

Tony Snow, the new White House Press Secretary, gave his first public address yesterday. Reporters were shocked to find that he is a Grand Wizard... a level 54 Grand Wizard that is.

"We hired Tony because of his special abilities that we thought were well suited to the press room."
- Dick Cheney, Vice-President of the United States and Dungeon Master to the President's Monday night D&D game.

Tony's biography lists his special abilities as:
  • Ice Ray 12 (Deals 80 x 12 damage. Special Bonus: only consumes 5 MPs)
  • Slither Tongues 27 (+350% chance of persuasion)
  • The White Out (Blizzard blinds opponents, +275% chance to flee. Special Bonus: Deals 20 damage to each opponent)
Even more disconcerting than Snow's Raw Power is the fact that over the past 6 years the White House has denied entry to any reporter that is above a Level 3 Grunt. Simply put, the reporters don't have a chance.

Tony Snow 'Ices' another reporter

"I'm shocked, his Charisma and Intelligence levels are off the charts. And with the terrible Resist levels of those Level 1, 2 and 3 Grunts in the Press Room, I don't know how we are going to hear anything other than lies."
- Stewart Deepoindle, Creative Editor, Wizard's Lair Magazine

Experts estimate Tony Snow's character profile to look like this:

HP: 123 (Hit Points)
MP: 672 (Magic Points)
STR: 78 (Strength, for when he melees)
INT: 1457 (Intelligence, controls power of Magic)
WIS: 887 (Wisdom, controls number of spells)
CHR: 2046 (Charisma, ability to influence others)

High numbers to be sure but it certainly explains why in his first briefing he managed to use the racial term 'Tar Baby' without repercussion.

Experts estimate Snow draws his strength from the ever present snowing cloud situated just above his head. One can only hope to find a Wizard or a Cleric with a strong enough Hot Air Spell to blow the cloud away and save the day for us mere mortals.

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washington, D.C.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Queen visits Vancouver, relegated to kids' table.

Queen Elizabeth II made a surprise Mother's Day visit to Vancouver, B.C. today when she unexpectedly dropped by for tea at the Newland's household. Unfortunately, it appears her manners weren't up to snuff as shortly thereafter she was relegated to the kids' table.

"I've always said to my kids. You've got to be ready with good manners, in case the Queen drops by for tea. What kind of a Mother would I be if I did not hold the Queen to the same standards as my children?"
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer

The offense in question was 'elbows on the table.' Nora made sure to point it out by politely remarking 'Mable Mable elbows on the table.' To which, Queen Elizabeth II, ever the elegant wit, replied, 'isn't this a horse's stable?' Nora, catching the bull by the horns, answered: 'No, it's a first class dining table. And you can now spend the rest of tea at the Kids' table thinking about what you've done.'

Nora and Nan enjoying tea and dinner while
Queen Elizabeth scolds children for 'getting into her purse.'

The Queen's own spokesperson remarked that she had been flying and drinking all day which may have been the cause of her gaff but assured Nora, that should the Queen ever be invited back, it wouldn't happen again.

For Nora's part, would the Queen would be invited back?

"She needs to spend some time thinking about manners. Once I see that she has really thought about what she has done and made an effort to improve than we'll see about having her back."
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer

Despite the gaff, the Mother's Day was a pleasant one at the Newland's household with Nora remarking once again:

"Oh, my son is definitely my favorite child, I don't care much for the other two. They could at least improve their manners."
- Nora Newlands, Event Organizer

The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Newland's Household, Vancouver B.C. Happy Mothers Day Mom.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Stephen Harper fights with his publicist.

Stephen Harper is fighting with his publicist. In yet another example of the current government's ear wetness, a proposed ad campaign has been delayed for another six months due to disagreements over the content.

The Conservative government hired a Toronto based Marketing firm to create an ad-campaign to increase their popularity, especially with younger voters. The Firm, OBG inc. (Oldies but Goodies) has decided to piggy back the ipod's success with a 'Think Different' campaign for Stephen Harper. The company drew up samples, used focus groups and conducted surveys. All signs pointed to a 'Go' but what the signs were really pointing to was a 'Stop! Let me read that. Think diff... What the &%$@?'

Harper refused to use the 'Think Different' slogan unless they included his second, less potent, addendum:

One of the first failed prototypes.

"Well obviously we're not going to use that slogan without an addendum. I'm not gay."
- Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada

OBG decided against going ahead with Harper's addendum. So a new slogan was decided upon which just as quickly had its own addendum and was just as quickly scrapped. Other failed slogans and their addendums include:

  • "Harper: he's your man." ad: "But not in a homosexual way."
  • "Harper, Just Do it." ad: "The 'it' isn't sex. Especially not gay sex."
  • "Call him the Hammer." ad: "But not a tool. Especially not a gay tool."
  • "Vote Harper." ad: "I'm not gay."
"I just don't see how any of our ads have anything to do with any kind of homosexual issue let alone whether or not the Prime Minister is gay."
- Ron Teel, Executive Director, OBG Inc.

Ron Teel was fired shortly after making that last comment which caused more delays in the already backed-up campaign. With their room in the polls shrinking these green Conservatives are becoming a tad frustrated. One thing they're not though, is gay.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Parliament HIll, Ottawa, Ontario

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

NHL awards Hart Trophy to Alastair Forbes

In an unprecedented move, the NHL announced today that it would be awarding the Hart Trophy (Most Valuable Player) to Alastair Forbes, a Torontonian writer, Actor and journalist for the Floater Blog who does not even play in the NHL.

"We recognize that this is an unusual step however when you look at the athletic capabilities of Alastair and what amazing things he could have done if he decided to play in the NHL it just makes sense. The NHL needs a young, vibrant, incredibly attractive MVP and that's what we are getting with Alastair Forbes."
- Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner

Forbes beat out competitive hopefuls in Jaromir Jagr and Joe Thornton to win the Hart Trophy. They also decided that rather than awarding the Vezina Trophy (Best Goaltender) to the most boring player to watch in hockey (MIkka Kiprussoff), to give it to Forbes as a bonus even though he would have played Center or Right Wing.

Hart and Vezina Trophy Winner, Alastair Forbes

"We had been scouting Forbes for a long time. Ever since his school days when he would absolutely dominate the ball hockey competitions we knew he had something special in him. There is no doubt that had he been playing this year he would have beat out Thornton and Jagr for the trophy, so why not just call a spade a spade and do what's right."
- Bill Daly, NHL Vice-President

The Floater Blog wishes to extend a huge congratulation for what would have been a lot of hard work had Forbes played in the NHL. Congratulations Alastair, you deserve it.

- The Blogastair, reporitng live on location, Hockey Hall of Fame, Toronto, Ontario

Friday, May 05, 2006

Theatre Smash is good... a ... little.. too... good?

TheatreSmash is the hottest new theatre company on the Toronto scene. With a successful friendraiser, fundraiser and an upcoming show, 'Tiny Dynamite,' that promises to be spectacular they have a promising future. This company is good... the Floater Blog asks... is it too good?

One of the esteemed Floater Blog Reporters was hired to shoot photos at the aforementioned Friendraiser and needless to say he was surprised when one of the photos of Co-Artistic directors Ashlie Corcoran and Sarah Baumann came back looking like this:

The true nature of these Artistic Directors is revealed

It appears that inadvertently Alastair Forbes has stumbled upon the key to Theatre Smash's success: Sub-Sonic-Refracting-Brain-Waves or Subsonrefractibrainwaves for short. Subsonrefractibrainwaves are invisible to the naked eye because they vibrate at such an incredible level. So fast, in fact, they still appear to be vibrating in the still photograph pictured above.

"I was just lucky to get the shot. A lot if it probably had to do with the fact that they were so close together which over-radiated their Subsonrefractibrainwaves."
- Alastair Forbes, Floater Blog Journalist and Brain-wave enthusiast.

What do Subsonrefractibrainwaves signify? Dr. Jara Jansen explains:

"Up until now Subsonrefractibrainwaves have only been a far-fetched theory. They are supposed to be a by-product of almost god-like brain power and were only ever associated with extra-terrestrials."
-Dr. Jara Janse, Neurastrophysicist, NASA

Do Ashlie Corcoran and Sarah Baumann possess god-like brain power? It would certainly explain Theatre Smash's phenomenal success thus far. Is this fair? Or is it a bit like Superman becoming a professional boxer? Theatre Smash released this statement after the Floater Blog asked for a comment:

"Oooohp... ehp Owp, Bzgooach EEEEEExthurkOOOOOO... (continues for 30 minutes in this fashion)"
- Ashlie Corcoran and Sarah Baumann, Co-founders, Theatre Smash

It would be pertinent to mention, that the mesage was released... INTO SPACE VIA A TELSONEX X3000 SATELLITE TRANSMITTER. If nothing else, this points to their fall show being absolutely, pardon the pun, out of this world.

Actually don't pardon the pun. It was intentional. We're that good.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, The Mojave Desert, Southern California, United States.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Whitehouse to release series of Children's books

Karl Rove, the architect behind both of the current President's election campaigns, is gearing up for 2008. With George W. Bush's popularity rating at a record low, Rove has introduced a series of children's books which reflect the party's policies.

"The idea here is to present a good-ol fashioned homely way of bringing our message to the people. If the parents are reading these books to their kids at night, it can be an entertaining
learning experience for the child and the parent. Our hope is for these books to exceed Harry Potter in popularity, and I believe they will because they're not blasphemous."
- Karl Rove, White House Deputy Chief of Staff

The Christmas Title of the Series.

The first books will be released in September and will follow the Holiday schedule of the year. Rove insists that while entertaining and educational the very lives of Americans may be at stake if the public doesn't read these books.

"Many Americans have started to forget the many dangers out there. America is constantly under attack from many different people. These books help to educate and prepare us for those attacks. Stay vigilant, don't be a traitor, read these books. Please."
- Karl Rove, White House Deputy Chief of Staff

Planned titles include:

  • No Oil? No Thanksgiving.
  • The Democratic Valentine's card that tried to make you Gay.
  • Jesus died on Easter, why can't you?
  • Independence is for Terrorists. Happy Dependence day!
The White House hopes to sell 40 million copies of the series in the first year. Revenues from the books will go directly to a trust fund for kids of the White House's Deputy Chief of Staff.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, White House, Washington D.C.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Rogers Inc. becomes Rogers High... School.

Rogers Inc. has taken a step forwards by going backwards.... into High School. Ted Rogers, President and CEO of Rogers inc. explains,

"High Schoolers happen to be our largest demographic and so as a company I really want us to adopt a High School mentality so we can better understand and serve our customers. In order to do that I've rented out a high school where our new Head Office will be located until a new Rogers High Head Office can be built by September."
- Ted Rogers, CEO Rogers Inc.

The High School Rogers is talking about is Sir William Osler High School in Scarborough Ontario. The Principal was all too willing to cancel the last 38 days of classes and vacate the school in order to receive a 10% discount on their first three months of high-speed internet for the following school year.

Ted Rogers, wearing a ridiculous blue suit, speaking to his new employees

Many new policies have been adopted by the company. Here are a few examples:
  • All employees must now work at small tables in groups of 3 or 4 but no talking is allowed until discussion time.
  • Employees must use a hall pass to access the washrooms and the staff room is now off-limits to all employees but for the CEO and VP.
  • All students must practice cool things like 'Parkour' the running and jumping sport in their 'tipping on the brink' commercial. Or break dancing which if done to a particularly skilled level, the present employees will respond with "Oh, that's bananas son."
  • The hiring age has been reduced to 14 with preference given to 16 year olds.
  • Retirement packages are available to anyone over the age of 21.
In the long run this may be a smart move for Rogers. Creating loyal customers out of impressionable minds is far easier than creating loyal customers out of intelligent people.

However, in the short run, this new regime has caused much strife and turmoil amongst the employees.

"All I did was pass a note. I had to pass it cause Brad was looking at Sarah in that creepy way again and I finally figured it out that he totally likes her. And then stupid Mr. Rogers fired me."
- Jennifer Bington, Former Assistant Marketing Manager, Rogers Inc.

Other employees have been suspended without pay for failing to hand in reports on time. One employee was asked to come in on Saturday because he was caught text messaging his friend at one of the work tables.

The long term success of the new Rogers High is yet to be seen, but in the short term there are a few hurdles to clear first.

- The Bloggeee, reporting live on location, Rogers Inc.'s new Head High School Office, Scarborough Ontario

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Star Daily goes Inside Celebrities... actually inside of them.

Star Daily has announced a new show: "Inside Celebrities." A show that takes the viewer actually inside celebrities' bodies.

"We here at Star! Daily pride ourselves on being incredibly in-touch with our viewers. We took a poll recently and our viewers told us they wanted to be closer to celebrities. Well viewers, we heard you and we're closer!"
- Inta Rusive, Marketing Director for Star! Daily

Title Screen for the new show.

The first episode will be about billionaire heiress Paris Hilton's liver. Pictured above, Star Daily has outdone itself with shocking discoveries of fat deposits indicating a recent meal of fast food. Perhaps the most surprising evidence dug up was a globule found in her liver suggesting Paris has been dating rocker Tommy Lee for about 3 months now and they had rented out an entire Brazilian resort for a sex-filled weekend.

Just how does Star! Daily manage to get inside celebrities' bodies? Does this violate their rights? Ruder explains:

"We follow all the laws to the letter. If the celebrities are in a public place than they are deemed accessible by the media. Same goes for injecting them with microscopic cameras. If they are in a public place and happen to fall into a chloroform induced sleep than they are accessible by microscopic camera injections."
- Inta Ruder, Marketing Director, Star! Daily

Some Celebrities have come out against the show, threatning lawsuits and claiming it's an invasion of privacy. However, over 130 million viewers tuned into the first episode with ratings expected to double. So, invasion of privacy or not, people love watching people's insides.

- The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Star! Daily Head Office, Toronto Ontario

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Sun to be home to new Presidential Memorial.

President Bush announced today, in conjunction with NASA, plans for a Presidential Memorial in the Sun.

"This is a proud day for me, a proud day and a ... prouder day... for my... for me. I'm proud of all the boys at NASA... and girls. Heh, I like the girls too. For putten me to the sun proudly."
- George W. Bush, POTUS

The President, speaking at a Grade 2 level, meant to say that he was proud that the American nation would be memorializing him in the Sun. In order to avoid a further 40 minutes of general confusion and disorientation at the Press Conference a spokesperson for NASA, instead of the President, was asked to explain how this plan would be carried out.

"Using a new X30 rocket we will be propelling 30 nuclear warheads to the Sun. Upon impact with the Sun's inner core the warheads will detonate and, much like expensive fireworks, explode into the likeness of the President. Our hope is the image will burn into the Sun's outer core."
- Rev. Ian Morrol, Presidential Spiritual Advisor to NASA

Artist's rendering of the proposed Presidential Tribute.

When asked about the risks of detonating 30 nuclear warheads in a giant ball of gas Morrol went on to say:

"If we do the right thing by God, God will do the right thing by us therefore, the risk becomes negligible."
- Rev. Ian Morrol, Presidential Spiritual Advisor to NASA

With all concerns eased by the good Reverend's soothing words the next question was a bit of a puzzler. Why the Sun? In a another twisting lair of confusion and blubbery, The POTUS answered:

"The Sun? Well, heh, why not? I mean Lincoln, Washington and ... you know ... a couple other guys got a mountain... why not the Sun? The Sun belongs to America right? So why shouldn't my face be putten up in the Sun? Besides it'll help with re-eclection."
- George W. Bush, POTUS

After confirming with Presidential aides that he meant re-election reporters asked how he planned to circumvent the constitutional rule which bars a President for running more than two terms. The President simply smiled and winked, which, while creepy, was probably clearer than any answer he could have given.

The Bloggerbotterastair, reporting live on location, White House Press Room, Washington, D.C.