Friday, November 10, 2006

Sen. Pat Roberts declares war on Noontime Hunger

Senator Pat Roberts has declared war on 'Noontime Hunger'; an epidemic that is sweeping across the nation. The Republican Senator from Kansas is currently chair to the Senate Intelligence Committee but says that he uncovered this terrorist plot all on his own.

"I started to notice the epidemic in September of this year. You see because of the upcoming elections I had to start coming into the office earlier, at 9:30am for a full 6 hour day. So for the first time, I noticed that around 11 or 1130am (the time I usually arrive for work) productivity would drop dramatically. Attitudes changed, talking at the water cooler became monosyllabic and in a couple of extreme cases people were actually short with each other. It seemed everybody was suspiciously becoming hungry at the same time."
- Pat Roberts, Republican Senator for Kansas

The Hon. Senator from Kansas went on to make a few phone calls and was shocked to discover that his office was not the only one suffering from this epidemic, in fact it had become a national problem. And for all the Senator knows, these symptoms may have spread across the world (The United States Senate has no contact with the world outside of the United States so he has no way of checking this).

Pat Roberts at a 'War on Hunger' Rally in Kansas

After reporting his findings to the Senate Intelligence Committee it didn't take long for them to deduce that only the Terrorists could be behind such a heinous epidemic.

"Well once we put the facts together, it was fairly obvious. What are the chances that almost every one of the 150 million or so in the workforce would become hungry at the same time everyday? Without some kind of outside influence... the chances are nil. I'll admit the Terrorists have scored big on this one. We can't figure out what kind of Bioterrorist weapon they are using but we can change the results."
- Pat Roberts, Republican Senator for Kansas

The Senate Intelligence Committee has begun an educational campaign to counteract this terrorist act. Americans are encouraged to eat as much as they can as often as they can to prevent the symptoms of hunger. Companies like McDonald's, Wendy's and Burger King have all come forward with generous offers of assistance.

"Just remember, every time you are cranky, tired or weak from hunger, or even when you go out to lunch at noon... the terrorists are winning. So please, America, go to these generous restaurants and buy as much food as you can and eat it, right now. And don't ever stop eating. God Bless."
- Pat Roberts, Republican Senator for Kansas

The Senate Intelligence Committee is drafting a final report of this problem and is tabling a proposal to invade the oil fields of Argentina.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, The United States Senate, Washington, D.C.


goldennib said...

Thanks for finally pointing this out. I tried to tell people it was happening but they said I was paranoid. I feel vindicated.

Alastair P. Forbes said...

Ahhh the sweet taste of Vindication... I always thought it tasted like a really good cheese. Smells kind of funny but it tastes so good.

The Drive-by Blogger said...

"Senate Intelligence"

Isn't that an oxymoron?

Alastair P. Forbes said...

You're close drive-by, but taken literally it is referring to the Senate's level of intelligence which, while it is on par with the common household gerbil, is still there.

Diesel said...

The United States Senate has no contact with the world outside of the United States Senate.

Alastair P. Forbes said...

Damn... you beat me at my own game. Clearly a line I should have used.

Diesel said...

You probably just needed a Snickers bar.