Saturday, December 09, 2006

Environmental Protection Agency catches toxic waste dumpers!

In a great coup, the Environmental Protection Agency for the United States has discovered an illegal dumping site for radioactive waste.

"This is a great day for the agency. Critics have been saying for some time now that our organization is ineffective and a patsy for big business... well, I say those critics have been silenced with a resounding 'We DO care about the Environment!' The EPA has an ever watchful eye, so watch out illegal dumpers, we're on to you!"
- Steve Johnson, Administrator for the Environmental Protection Agency


In perhaps the dumbest quote of his career, Steve Johnson reiterated his belief in the agency's investigative prowess. In reality, the EPA was in San Francisco for an 'Environmental Products' Convention. Upon returning to Headquarters they were looking through their photos of the convention and they discovered that while taking a photo of Everett Smith (EPA Headquarters employee) they had inadvertently acquired photographic evidence of an illegal dump site. Sure enough, they returned to San Francisco and discovered that during the convention they had failed to notice thousands of barrels of Toxic Waste being buried directly into the floor of the Moscone Convention Center directly behind them.


The now famed evidence photo

"To me, it just sounded like they were doing construction. It was annoying. They were pretty loud and I had to go back there a few times and ask them to be quiet. No one takes the EPA seriously so we always get the worst locations on the floor. ......Well, sure, it seems obvious now, but I wasn't looking for toxic waste at the time. I just thought the Blue Suits were part of a company uniform. Hindsight 20/20 I guess."
- Everett Smith, EPA Headquarters, employee

While the EPA is calling this a great coup, they still have no idea who dumped the toxic waste. The only evidence they had to go on is the 'US Department of Defense' labels on each of the barrels.

"It's a total mystery but one we hope to solve. However, our immediate concern is to safely re-bury the barrels in the convention floor. It is a real pain in the ass to get rid of radioactive waste and to the dumpers credit, the Moscone Convention Center floor is as good a place as any."
- Steve Johnson, Administrator for the Environmental Protection Agency


The owners of the Moscone Convention Center are furious and want the radioactive waste removed but Johnson insists that his 'hand are tied'. However, he hopes this incident will restore some of the public's faith in the beleaguered agency but so far it has had no effect on the Agency's dismal reputation.

-The Blogastair, reporting live on location, Moscone Convention Center, San Francisco

61 comments:

goldennib said...

What kind of products were they displaying at the convention? Radioactive detectors? I hope you are not glowing in the dark.

Alastair P. Forbes said...

I thank the lucky stars that I packed my 'just in case' HAZMAT suit to file this report so, I'm OK.

There were some Radioactive detectors there and no one could figure out why they kept going off...

Troy Van Dellen said...

did that really happen? thats CRAZY!!!

Alastair P. Forbes said...

Most definitely true!

Also, to my valued readers... sorry for the hiatus! I'm away right now and will be back at it in January... look for a possible christmas post though! And happy hollidays everyone!

goldennib said...

Merry Christams, Alastair, and many great, good wishes for the coming New Year.

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Hell-ooooooh?

Happy New Year.

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Man this is really serious. how can they dump such hazardous waste there ?

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