The Floater Blog has an exclusive investigative report that exposes Toronto's 'underbelly' for what it really is: A giant Hydra Monster called Larusala.
"It was huge, just massive... so many... heads, and that one head in particular... oh god... [whimpers] and and and it just attacked us, in the middle of the night. That thing [sobs] took my wife, and oh the things she does to those poor women. [sobs even sadder]"
- John Palmetti, eyewitness of a Larusula attack
But John Palmetti's wife, Mrs. Palmetti, did come back alive. Most of them do... but they come back changed. We sat down to talk with Mrs. Palmetti and what she had to say will shock you:
"Well, I guess that if I were talking to her (Larusala) right now I would say... oh this is tough ... [gets intense look in her eyes] Since you been gone... I can breathe for the first time [laughs] I'm so moving on, yeah [snorts] yeah Thanks to you now I get what I want. [Gets misty eyed] Since you been gone."
- Mrs. Palmetti, talking about Larusula in Kelly Clarkson lyrics.
That's right, Kelly Clarkson lyrics from her popular song 'Since you been gone.' No one has actually been to Larusala's Lair, except for those who have been 'changed', so we've done the best we could to piece together exactly what goes on in that most wicked warren starting with an artist's sketch here:
"It was huge, just massive... so many... heads, and that one head in particular... oh god... [whimpers] and and and it just attacked us, in the middle of the night. That thing [sobs] took my wife, and oh the things she does to those poor women. [sobs even sadder]"
- John Palmetti, eyewitness of a Larusula attack
But John Palmetti's wife, Mrs. Palmetti, did come back alive. Most of them do... but they come back changed. We sat down to talk with Mrs. Palmetti and what she had to say will shock you:
"Well, I guess that if I were talking to her (Larusala) right now I would say... oh this is tough ... [gets intense look in her eyes] Since you been gone... I can breathe for the first time [laughs] I'm so moving on, yeah [snorts] yeah Thanks to you now I get what I want. [Gets misty eyed] Since you been gone."
- Mrs. Palmetti, talking about Larusula in Kelly Clarkson lyrics.
That's right, Kelly Clarkson lyrics from her popular song 'Since you been gone.' No one has actually been to Larusala's Lair, except for those who have been 'changed', so we've done the best we could to piece together exactly what goes on in that most wicked warren starting with an artist's sketch here:
Artist's depiction of Larusala's Lair
By all accounts, it appears that Larusala strikes just after 2am in the morning, whisking away a young female and tying them up deep in her lair (believed to be somewhere in the Don Valley). Larusala then opens all five of her sickening teethy jaws... and begins to sing 5 part harmonies of Kelly Clarkson's most popular hits. A spokesmen acting on behalf of the RIAA, TPD and the FBI talked to us about this bizarre behavior:
"Clearly this Larusala has been at this for a number of years and it has affected a LOT of women, why she chooses Kelly Clarkson is beyond us but it answers a lot of questions. Kelly Clarkson's popularity finally makes sense. We only hope that we can cure these poor individuals."
-T.J. Hooker, former fictional character, spokesperson for the RIAATPDFBI joint investigation.
We can only hope so too T.J., we can only hope so too.
- Blogtablogger, reporting live on location, Toronto, Ontario.
"Clearly this Larusala has been at this for a number of years and it has affected a LOT of women, why she chooses Kelly Clarkson is beyond us but it answers a lot of questions. Kelly Clarkson's popularity finally makes sense. We only hope that we can cure these poor individuals."
-T.J. Hooker, former fictional character, spokesperson for the RIAATPDFBI joint investigation.
We can only hope so too T.J., we can only hope so too.
- Blogtablogger, reporting live on location, Toronto, Ontario.
5 comments:
ALASTAIR! You could have picked a better pic of me, I was having a bad tongue day.
Don't forget to - take a risk, take a chance, make a change and break awaaayyyy.
Lara&KellyForever
Well it was the artist's rendering based on what we could glean from the 'survivors'
Seriously though, that 'bad' tongue of yours is hot... you lick that obviously terrified bikini clad woman!
Things make so much more sense now. You know, I've lost seven of my last four girlfriends that way (at least, they all seem to leave me between the hours of midnight and 4 am...) and it's cleansing to finally know whom to lay awake at night blaming...or at least thinking about...that snakey tongue. Er, gotta go.
Yes. You know, Asian Sheep, I've gotten more reader mail about that snake tongue than almost any of the other controversial articles. Haunting, just haunting.
I think a relatively modern city, Toronto's history dates back to the late-18th century, when its land was first purchased by the British monarchy.
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